WHERE WERE ME.
REX TILLERSON, RIGHT.
TILLERSON'S FIRING TODAY IS JUST THE LATEST IN A MASSIVE PURGE OF
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
IN A LITTLE OVER A YEAR, WE'VE LOST GARY COHN.
HOPE HICKS.
ROB PORTER.
OMAROSA.
TOM PRICE.
STEVE BANNON.
REINCE PRIEBUS.
SEAN SPICER.
ANTHONY SCARMUCCI.
SEBASTIAN GORKA.
MICHAEL FLYNN.
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING THE RUMORED DEPARTURES OF JOHN
KELLY, H.R. MCMASTER, AND JARED AND IVANKA.
AND- AND SINCE I DON'T SEE STEVE MNUCHIN HERE, I'LL JUST FILL IN
FOR HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ♪ ♪
"I SERVE AT THE PLEASURE OF THE PRESIDENT.
I WAS AT GOLDMAN SACHS.
I'VE GOT MONEY.
THAT MEANS I'M SMART."
FOR THOSE OF US IN THE MEDIA, THE CONSTANT TURNOVER HAS BEEN
AMAZING TO WATCH.
THE DRAMA, THE FIREWORKS, THE WINNERS, THE LOSERS, THE
LOSERS, THE LOSERS!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF "THE
HUNGER GAMES"-- OR SOMETHING EVEN MORE DRAMATIC THAN THAT!
IT'S "THE HUNGRY TO LEAVE POWER GAMES!"
♪ ♪ ♪ WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO "THE
HUNGRY TO LEAVE POWER GAMES!" I'M BACK.
YOU MIGHT RECALL THIS BELOVED SEGMENT FROM THE ELECTION OF
2016, BUT I DON'T.
IT'S A COPING MECHANISM.
BUT IN THIS LATEST INSTALLMENT OF THE SERIES, WE FOLLOW THE
PALACE INTRIGUE INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE, AS STAFFERS FIGHT TO GET
AHEAD.
AND IN THE CASE OF STEPHEN MILLER, THAT'S A LOT OF HEAD.
OH!
OH, MY RETINAS.
JIMMY, TURN OFF THE KLIEG LIGHTS.
SO, LET'S GET TO TONIGHT'S TRIBUTE.
YES, REX-- REX WAYNE TILLERSON.
AH, THE JOY OF REX.
BUT WHO IS-- I'M SORRY-- WHO WAS REX TILLERSON?
REX WAS BORN IN THE SMALL TOWN OF EXXONMOBIL.
AFTER A LIFE IN THE GAS BUSINESS, HIS NET WORTH IS
$325 MILLION... AND INE-TENTHS OF A CENT.
HA, HA!
FRACTIONS!
AND TILLERSON WAS A BIT OF A BOY SCOUT-- LITERALLY.
AS A CHILD, HE ATTAINED THE RANK OF EAGLE SCOUT, AND AS AN ADULT,
SERVED AS NATIONAL PRESIDENT OF THE BOY SCOUTS FROM 2010 TO
2012, WHERE TILLERSON PREPARED FOR HIS FUTURE IN PUBLIC SERVICE
BY INTRODUCING THE MERIT BADGE IN MORON IDENTIFICATION.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FROM THE BEGINNING,
TILLERSON ADMITTED HE WAS AN UNCONVENTIONAL CHOICE FOR
SECRETARY OF STATE, WITH NO PRIOR GOVERNMENT EXPERIENCE.
OH, REXY, NO GOVERNMENT EXPERIENCE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE REST OF THE CABINET?
WE WOULD HAVE SETTLED FOR "HAS BEEN TO THE POST OFFICE."
SO WHY DID REX TAKE THE JOB IF HE WAS SO UNCERTAIN?
WELL, HE WAS CALLED BY A POWER EVEN HIGHER THAN EXXON.
IT SEEMS TILLERSON ONLY TOOK THE SECRETARY OF STATE JOB "BECAUSE
HIS WIFE SAID GOD WANTED HIM TO."
YES, REX, SHE GOT A MESSAGE FROM GOD: GOD WANTS YOU OUT OF THE
HOUSE, BECAUSE GOD DOESN'T LIKE YOU MOPING ABOUT WHEN GOD'S
TRYING TO WATCH "THIS IS US."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, NOW, REX ALMOST DIDN'T LAST
A YEAR, BECAUSE AFTER A CONTROVERSIAL SPEECH LAST
SUMMER, HE THREATENED TO QUIT IN JULY.
INSTEAD, HE SUCKED IT UP AND WORKED SEVEN MORE MONTHS.
REMEMBER THE OLD SAYING: IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, CHECK
YOUR TWITTER.
YOU'VE JUST BEEN FIRED.
BUT THE REAL MONEY QUOTE CAME FROM A MEETING OF NATIONAL
SECURITY OFFICIALS, AT WHICH TILLERSON REFERRED TO TRUMP AS A
"(BLEEP) MORON."
NOW, NOW, REXY.
PLAY NICE.
REMEMBER WHAT GRANDMA TILLERSON SAID, "IF YOU DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP."
NOW JUST BECAUSE-- JUST BECAUSE-- DO YOU WANT?
DO YOU WANT?
HE'S GOT A REAL PROBLEM.
AND JUST BECAUSE HE WAS WISE ENOUGH TO CALL TRUMP A MORON,
DON'T GIVE REXY TOO MUCH CREDIT, BECAUSE UNDER HIS WATCH, 60% OF
OUR TOP RANKING DIPLOMATS RESIGNED.
AND HE PROVED UNABLE TO APPOINT PEOPLE TO VITAL POSITIONS LIKE
AMBASSADOR TO SOUTH KOREA, LEADING EXPERTS FROM ACROSS THE
POLITICAL SPECTRUM TO CALL TILLERSON "ONE OF THE WORST
SECRETARIES OF STATE IN MODERN HISTORY."
WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING, BECAUSE I KNOW OF ONE SECRETARY
OF STATE WHO COULDN'T EVEN BIT DONALD TRUMP IN AN ELECTION.
OH!
THEY'VE TURNED ON US!
THE TRUTH HURTS.
BACK!
DOWN, BOY!
BACK, BACK!
NO!
FRIEND, FRIEND!
NOW-- TRUTH HURTS.
NOW, ALL OUR SEXY EX-REXES ARE GOING BACK TO TEXAS.
SO WE BID SECRETARY TILLERSON A SYMBOLIC FAREWELL BY FILLING
THIS SIMPLE WOODEN COFFIN WITH
FIRST, SECRETARY TILL SEWN, "AND NEXT, WITH WHAT HE LOVED MOST--
DELICIOUS OIL.
MMMM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND GUESS WHAT?
GUESS WHAT?
THIS COFFIN IS NOT WATER-TIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) I GUESS-- I GUESS-- I GUESS WE
SHOULD HAVE TRIED THIS IN REHEARSAL!
YES.
DO YOU WANT SOME?
MMM!
DELICIOUS!
MOP IT UP.
WE SHOULD FINISH THIS QUICKLY BEFORE IT GETS TO THE
ELECTRONICS.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WHETHER IT BE FOSSIL
FUELS OR CALLING THE PRESIDENT A (BLEEP) MORON, WE KNOW
REX TILLERSON LIKED IT CRUDE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, AS IS OUR CUSTOM--
NOW, AS IS OUR CUSTOM, LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE FALLEN!
♪ ♪ ♪ AND WHILE WE ARE HERE, LET US
HONOR ALL WHO HAVE FALLEN SINCE LAST WE MET.
ALL RIGHT, SPEED IT UP!
SPEED IT UP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S SAD TO SEE THEM LEAVE, BUT
THEY'RE GOING TO A BETTER PLACE: TESTIFYING FOR ROBERT MUELLER.
HA, HA!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANGELA BASSETT!