- Every problem you have today, you had when you met,
but you were fucking, so you forgave.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)
- Just got married.
(audience cheering)
Just got married again. This is my second marriage.
This one gotta work. I fucked that first marriage up.
I fucked it up. This one gotta work.
You know how much alimony and child support that'd be?
I would have to get hit by a second Walmart truck,
(audience laughs)
and a Doritos truck,
(audience laughs)
and a FedEx plane.
(audience laughs)
Heard you could make a quiet 20 million off a FedEx plane,
if you survive with all your faculties and limbs and shit.
That'd be messed up if you was just a torso and a head.
(audience laughs)
Your friend carrying you around in a Gucci bag on his back,
(audience laughs)
"Yo, take me to the beach, man.
Put me where the bitches be.
(audience laughs)
If it get too hot, I'ma go 'Ooh!' that means come get me."
(audience laughs)
You're just a torso with a chinchilla on.
(audience laughs)
(Tracy Morgan laughs)
- You wanna stay together? How do you stay together?
You gotta fuck.
(audience laughs)
It's that simple, you got to fuck.
(audience laughs)
People always say, "Oh, when we got together,
it was so much fun, but then problems arose."
No, they didn't. Nothing arose.
(audience laughs)
Every problem you have today, you had when you met
but you were fucking, so you forgave.
(audience applauds)
Right. You knew he didn't do dishes,
(audience laughs)
but he gave you good dick,
(audience laughs)
that was a swell trade, dick for dishes.
(audience laughs)
You used to love washing them dick dishes.
(audience laughs)
Sir, you knew she couldn't cook,
but she licked your balls,
(audience laughs)
you were like "Ah, keep licking, we'll order in."
(audience laughs)
You gots to fuck. You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up.
And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you're in,
(audience applauds)
you've got to keep this shit moving,
you can't wait for the holy ghost to just get you.
That's right. That's right, ladies, are you listening to me?
(audience laughs)
Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick,
(audience laughs)
you gotta do what you gotta do.
Cause I could eat pussy in a horrible mood,
(audience laughs)
"I can't believe there's no gas in the car."
(audience laughs)
"I can't believe there's so much mold in the basement."
(audience laughs)
Shit, I ate pussy on 9/11,
(audience laughs)
where were you?
(audience laughs)
- If you single, you should be fucking every chance you get,
just in case, you never know.
And if you in a relationship, do more fucking.
And women, I am not talking to y'all,
I know y'all are always ready, ready, ready.
(audience cheering)
I'm talking to men, we only wanna give her perfect dick, no.
give her all the dicks.
(audience laughs)
Give her happy dick, sad dick, angry dick.
She loves angry dick,
"Shit, I don't know what the hell's gotten into him,
but this is finally what I've been talking about right here.
This is exactly."
(audience laughs)
- I'm just being honest.
Devoid of religious significance or the idea of love,
marriage is nothing but an awful contract
that you shouldn't sign.
(audience laughs)
I'm just being real,
(audience applauds)
because you start out loving each other
and then two years later,
you're just building a case against one another.
(audience laughs)
For a hypothetical court date that may
or may not ever happen.
(audience laughs)
- So about five years ago, pretty much everyone
who I know started to get married,
and that was strange for me because I don't really believe
in the idea of marriage and that would have been fine,
except I have a problem where sometimes when I think
that I am right about something,
it can be a real source of tension between me
and the person I'm arguing with,
and the reason, it's the source of tension,
is that I'm right.
(audience laughs)
And so I remember distinctly talking to my friend, Dana
and she goes, "Well, you don't believe in marriage for you
but of course you believe in it for other people?"
And I was like,
"No, I think it's insane, you know? For anyone."
And she said, "Why?"
And I said, "Well, fIrst of all, it just seems doomed,
you know 50% of marriages end in divorce.
That's just first marriages, by the way.
Second marriages, 60 to 62% end in divorce.
Third marriages, 70 to 75% end in divorce.
That's a learning curve."
(audience laughs)
"Second of all, monogamy is impossible
or very least not a sure thing."
When I say that, I think people assume that I'm implying
that men are incapable of being faithful,
I think women are just as incapable,
but for more sophisticated reasons, you know?"
(audience laughs)
With men, we're just really simple, very simple sexuality.
When I say that my female friends are like,
"Well, we like sex just as much as you do."
And I say, "Sure, but it's different."
And they say, "How?"
And I say, "Have you ever masturbated while driving a car?"
(audience laughs)
- Okay, so now listen, I'm loving being divorced.
I mean, it's been four years, but people still get upset,
they still worry about me, you know?
And it's really just a legal term meaning no one's farted
in my bed in four years.
(audience laughs)
It's not a big deal.
There've been people in it, but I don't get close enough
for them to get to farting level
because that's where it all ends really,
"It's intimacy", no, it's a secret hatred is what it is,
someone is gassing you cause they secretly hate you,
(audience laughs)
but you bill it as intimacy
and all the other things married people say about
the awful things that come with making yourself live
with a person for no reason other than,
you want someone to find your corpse someday.
(audience laughs)
I mean, that's really how it is.
I do wanna say this, I'm not against marriage,
but I do think that married people kind of suck.
I really do.
(audience laughs)
I know, don't be offended.
I know you're good people individually. You're like,
"I give to Kittens Without Whiskers charity every year."
I know,
(audience laughs)
but the way you treat single people,
I have been on both sides, so, I know,
I remember what I did.
The way you treat single people is not good.
We have single people here, right?
(audience applauds)
Do you agree with me?
- [Man In The Audience] Yes.
The way you get treated?
Your married friends invite you over
and they put you on the couch and they stare
at you like you're a pillow that doesn't make sense
to them like, "What do we do with that?
We have to match that somehow."
(audience laughs)
Or they think that it's fun for you
to have dinner with them just the three of you,
and you feel like their weird 30 to 40 year old kid
that never left the house.
(audience laughs)
And they're like, "Isn't this fun?"
You're like, "No, cause I'm not in the marriage.
I wanna go where the people are outside."
(audience laughs)
- I love my husband. I laugh at his jokes.
I think he's fantastic.
And then all day every day,
I wanna punch him in his dumb face.
(audience laughs)
And it's not the big things
that make you wanna kill your spouse,
it's little stuff, little stuff,
like why does he have to ask me where everything is?
(audience laughs)
All the time. In his own goddamn house.
(audience laughs)
Like I'm Carson the Butler
and we live in Downtown Abbey or something.
(audience laughs)
All day on a loop, "Where are the keys?
Where's the dog? Where's the garage?"
(audience laughs)
When we got married we were so poor,
we lived in a studio apartment, a studio apartment,
and he had the nerve to ask me where stuff was.
(audience laughs)
"Where's the spatula?" I'm like motherfucker,
(audience laughs)
everything we own
(audience laughs)
is out,
like what?
how lazy are you?
(audience laughs)
- When you have a newborn baby, your marriage is very weak
because you're both stressed out, you look like shit
because you don't shower no more,
you're resentful of each other,
"Whose idea was it to bring this new roommate
into the world?"
(audience laughs)
Your marriage is very vulnerable
and easy for an outsider to invade and colonize.
(audience laughs)
If we had hired a 25-year-old man who was
not ugly,
(audience laughs)
great with my daughter and said, "Yes", immediately
to every chore I asked him to do with a positive attitude,
(audience laughs)
oh, you best believe that I would eat
the shit of his butt hole.
(audience laughs)
Everyday. Everyday would be
an all day nanny butt hole buffet,
I don't care if his 25-year-old butt cheeks got all nervous
and clenched up and closed on my face like elevator doors,
I would get in there and just.
(audience laughs)
Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
(audience laughs)
- So, wait a minute, who's married?
You're married? How long? Not long, right?
Two weeks?
- [Man In The Audience] Two years.
- Oh, two years, okay, but still that's short.
But when you're married a long time, see in the beginning
of a relationship, you're in the do no wrong phase, right?
Whatever you do is cute, it's sweet.
And then, we've crossed over, I'm in the do no right,
I'm in the do no right.
(audience laughs)
You know, I just have to accept it.
I have to just know, here's an example, here's an example,
I'm walking through, she's watching TV
and I'm walking through and I offer, I say,
"Oh, I'll get you some popcorn."
I know she likes popcorn.
(coughs)
I offer, "I'll get you popcorn", to which she says,
"All right, but bring enough."
She's already pissed off.
(audience laughs)
She's already pissed off at me.
(audience laughs)
(Ray Romano laughs)
She'd rather have no popcorn,
(audience laughs)
than not enough popcorn.
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
(audience laughs)
- So, I'm getting married,
(audience and Iliza laugh)
one of the lovely things about the man that I'm marrying is
that he has never asked me to change anything about myself.
This is a very weird job.
We're on a ship and I'm telling jokes,
those things don't go together.
(audience laughs)
He's always been very respectful of my job,
he's never asked that I not go on the road,
that I not go to work, that I not take a gig.
The only thing he's ever asked that I not do was a couple
of weeks ago, we were getting ready for bed
and I came out dressed and he looked at me and he went,
"Babe, love you."
(audience laughs)
"Can you not wear men's basketball shorts to bed?"
(audience laughs)
And I was like interesting request, proceed.
(audience laughs)
He goes, "Love you, I think you're beautiful,
it's just that I'm not as attracted to you
and I don't really wanna have sex with you
when you're in men's basketball shorts."
(audience laughs)
And I was like,
"Oh, that's the idea. Thanks for the ring, fucker. Yes."
(audience applauds)
He's sitting in the back, he's like, "We fuck, I mean."
(audience laughs)
My dad's also here, so that was a weird take. Okay so,
(audience and Iliza laugh)
- I got married late in life, I was 45, I had some issues,
(audience laughs)
I was enjoying those issues quite a bit as I recall.
(audience laughs)
when I was single, I had married friends,
I would not visit their homes,
(audience laughs)
I found their lives to be pathetic and depressing.
Now that I'm married, I have no single friends,
I find their lives to be meaningless
and trivial experiences.
(audience laughs)
In both cases, I believe I was correct.
(audience laughs)
Whichever side of marriage you're on,
you don't get what the other people are doing.
I can't hang out with single guys,
if you don't have a wife, we have nothing to talk about.
You have a girlfriend? That's wiffle ball, my friend,
(audience laughs)
you're playing paintball war,
I'm in Afghanistan with real loaded weapons.
(audience laughs)
Married guys play with full clips and live rounds.
(audience laughs)
This is not a drill.
(audience laughs)
Single guy sitting on a merry-go-round blowing on a pinwheel
(audience laughs)
I'm driving a truck full of nitro down a dirt road.
(audience laughs)
(Jerry Seinfeld blows into mic)
- I'm married. I'm still married.
(audience applauds)
And I... Thanks. Yeah.
(audience applauds)
I like to say it, you know, like I'm at the same job,
just like, "Yeah, no, still work there."
(audience laughs)
Yeah, right out of high school, only job I applied for.
(audience laughs)
My wife will tell me that... She always says
that I don't like the way she talks and it's not her voice,
I like the sound of her voice,
that'd be a big problem I think,
if it was like, "It's your voice, I just hate it."
(audience laughs)
Just to go to couples therapy
and be like, "Can you hear it? Right?"
(audience laughs)
"It's not, you know? It's not fun."
(audience laughs)
It's the information that she chooses to tell me at times.
(audience laughs)
we took a trip to Florida, to Fort Lauderdale,
and her and our daughter are flying from Nashville
where we live, and I'm flying from Detroit,
we're meeting at Fort Lauderdale's airport,
I have to find them when they land,
so, I called her because I was about to take off
and I was like, "All right, what time do you guys leave?"
She goes, "Noon." And it was 11:30
and they're still at home.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Laura, I don't know
if you even know what an airport is."
(audience laughs)
"But if that plane was in our driveway,
I don't think you could make it."
(audience laughs)
And she said, "That's what time we leave for the airport.
Our flight's not until 1:30."
And I was like, "All right. All right.
So, what do you think I wanted to know when I asked that?"
(audience laughs)
"Is that what you thought the best time you could give me
was a time that means nothing to nobody?"
(audience laughs)
"What time did you go to bed last night?
Just tell me that and I'll just look up all the planes
that land in Florida and I'll guess
which one I think you're on."
(audience laughs)
She said, "I'm sorry I don't talk
the way you want me to talk."
I'm like, "I want you to talk like a regular person,
all right?
(audience laughs)
"Like you've been around people before, you know?"
We didn't talk in Florida, I'll tell you that.
(audience laughs)