-Welcome back, everybody.
Thank you for watching "The Tonight Show."
I'm about to show you some books
that you should avoid at all costs.
It's time for the latest installment of my
Do Not Read list. Here we go.
♪ Do not read, do not read ♪
♪ Do not read these books, these books ♪
-Now, before we start, I just want you to know
that every book that I'm about to show you is 100% real.
These are actual books that you can find them on Amazon
or check them out at your local library.
They are real.
All right, let's see what's on my Do Not Read list.
This first one is a joke book. -Oh, great.
Love jokes. -Yeah, that's right up my alley.
This one's called "The Humour of Germany."
[ Laughter ]
Well, it's a hilarious cover. Already, the cover's funny.
-Yeah. What year was --
I just want to know what year that's from.
[ Laughter ]
-They have some classics in here.
-Oh, okay. -Yeah, here.
How about this classic right here?
A chapter -- "The Incarceration of Herr Professor."
[ Laughter ]
Sounds hilarious. I'll give it a read.
-[ German accent ] It's funny! [ Laughter ]
-Next up is a cookbook.
-[ Normal voice ] Oh, I love cookbooks.
-I have a great collection of cookbooks.
-You do? -Yeah.
This one is "500 Tasty Sandwich Recipes."
-Mmm.
-Look at how tasty that one looks.
[ Laughter and groans ]
-Oh!
Wow! What?
That's a sandwich? -A good asparagus sandwich.
-Mmm! -Open face.
-Oh, put it in the toaster oven.
-Name what sandwich that is.
[ Laughter ] -Oh. The pimento loaf --
-There's a surprise at the end. [ Laughter ]
What do they have in here? -It's called da laundry lint.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Oh, my goodness. Look at this.
They have ham and peanut butter sandwich.
-Oh. -Ham and raisin.
Pot-- Potted meat.
-Ugh. [ Laughter ]
Mmm, tasty! -That's pretty good.
Potted meat, yeah.
Next up is an activity book for kids.
-Oh, great.
-It's called "101 Things for Girls To Do."
-Mm-hmm. [ Laughter ]
-I have girls. This might be great for them.
-What can they do? -Let's see what they can do.
How to sharpen scissors.
[ Laughter ]
-What?
And then run with them. -Yeah.
There's other things to do. There's other things to do.
Next up is a travel book. -Oh, I love travel.
-A lot of people are looking forward to just
getting out there traveling, people who are looking
to take the family road trip.
Check this out here. This is called
"Nuclear Heartland: A guide to the 1,000
Missile Silos of the United States."
-Mm. [ Laughter ]
I can't wait. -Let's take a look inside here.
This one says, "A Family Outing," here.
It says, "A Family Outing."
"We sat, my wife, our three children, myself, and our dog.
A few hundred feet away was a Minuteman missile
tipped with a warhead containing an explosive force
of 1.2 million tons of TNT.
It hummed during the night."
[ Laughter ]
Sounds like a dream family vac--
You won't forget that vacation too soon.
-No, it'll be -- every time the child closes his eyes,
he'll remember that vacation. [ Laughter ]
"Why am I radioactive?" [ Laughter ]
-All right. Next is a cookbook called
"Cooking with Coke." -Oh, is it by Don Jr.?
[ Laughter ] -No, it's --
♪♪
-Coca-Cola.
No, the soft --
"Cooking with --" "Cooking with Coke."
Yeah, here we go. "Cooking with Coca-Cola."
-Coca-Cola, okay. -"Cooking with Coke."
-My mistake. -"Cooking with Coke."
-I feel like a real Peter Douchey.
-Here's a, uh -- [ Laughter ]
-Doocy. -Doocy, sorry.
Here's a recipe. Here's sweet and spicy
shrimp tacos with mango salsa. -Mmm.
-Uh, I don't know about the mango salsa.
I don't want the mango overpowering
the shrimp and Coke. [ Laughter ]
'Cause that's just a combo. -Yeah.
-That's up there with, like, ham and raisins.
-Yeah, I love ham, raisins, and Coke.
-We're down to our last book. It's a self-help book.
-Oh, I love self-help. -Yeah.
This is called "A Guided Meditation for Beginners."
-Oh, that's great.
-We could all use this right now.
-Yeah. -Let's see what tips
they have for us here.
-Okay. What's page one? -Here we go.
This first page says, "Inhale." [ Laughter ]
-Okay. -Next one says, "Exhale."
-It's the whole book. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's all the time we have for "Do Not Read."
If you have a book you think should be on our next
"Do Not Read" list, send your title to
donotread@tonightshow.com.