if i lost something i lost it my mom
would never help us find [ __ ]
right normal parents normal parents help
their [ __ ] kids right
normal parents it's like okay did you
lose something your keys what
was it in your pants well what jeans
were you wearing jeans well let's look
for those jeans
that's how you [ __ ] help your kids
find [ __ ] not my mom
if i lost something i can guarantee my
mom's right behind me [ __ ] with me
right she enjoys that [ __ ] if i'm
looking under the couch i guarantee my
mom's right behind me like oh wow
what what's under what's under the couch
jose
is it your keys did you lose your kids
again
oh maybe they walk under the couch like
that
now i gotta ask my mom for help that's
the worst mistake i can make mom
i'm late for work do you know where my
kids are jose
did you just ask me where your kids are
isn't that a stupid question that is a
stupid question joseph
excuse me person that does not drive my
car
do you know where my keys are
that is stupid johnson why don't you ask
me where my keys are
i'll know the answer to that go ahead
joseph ask me
come on ask me right now
mom do you know where your keys are of
course i do
of course i do jose i know where my kids
are all the time you know why joseph
because i put them in the same place
that i always put my keys
i hang them over here oh on this wooden
black
that says keys
[Applause]
joseph when you lose something do you
use your eyes to look for him
or do you use your mouth
because every time you lose something
joseph you use your mouth to find
something
you can't find anything like that jose
you just walk around has anybody seen my
kids
i don't know where my kids are i play
[Applause]
foreign
only time my mom ever got physical with
me was at church
weirdest place right physical at church
and
the reason why is because when you're 10
11 years old you hate church
for the simple fact that you you don't
you got to sit there for an hour and a
half on this wooden pew
you got to sit there when you're 10 11
years old you don't even have ass meat
yet
it's just bone on wood that's why kids
move around so much
because they can't feel their asses
anymore and that guy won't stop
preaching just
[Music]
what is wrong with you stop acting like
this huh
i'm telling you this is my lesson you
better stop acting like this
uh
[Music]
hello
[Music]
[Applause]
turn around sorry sorry
what is wrong with you why are you
acting like this
you better behave her this is my last
one
okay
and i would taunt my mom because we were
in church
i'm like what are you gonna do
are you gonna hit me
[Applause]
and my mom would take her fingertips the
tips of her nails
and she would grab a pinch of skin you
know what i'm talking about right
and she had pinched so hard i could
actually feel the nails touch inside of
me
it would hurt so bad that i would lean
in like this
and my mom would whisper in my ear who's
sloppy now
love my mom retired finally she's right
retired
doesn't work anymore because this is
what my mom's doing with the retirement
she's a dj
a [ __ ] dj not a dj at weddings like a
real dj at an
am radio station with headphones and
everything like hey everybody it's dj
josephine
i'm playing filipino music from the past
present and future
[Applause]
and it's annoying because i gotta go to
these like every time i have a show in
vegas i gotta go to this radio show my
mom tells me to go joseph come to my
radio show
and thank all of my listeners for
patronizing your career and i have to go
and talk to all 40 of her listeners
but here's the part that pisses me off
the most every time i go in
she acts like she doesn't know who the
[ __ ] i am
right i walk in she's like oh we have a
guest
and then she starts rummaging through
her papers oh it says here you're uh
a comedian wow okay
well tell us how it is to be a comedian
[Applause]
[Laughter]
it's joe coy
mom
she did not want me to be a comedian at
all this is my 19th year
in stand-up and when i told my mom 19
years ago that i wasn't going to college
she cried cried why just hey
comedian really that's what you want to
do
there's no there's no future in comedian
joseph there's no money to be made in
comedian jose what are you a clown
you're going to be clowns
how about if you get sick joseph there's
no health insurance
there's no health injury if you get sick
how are you going to pay the doctor
jokes
oh thank you doctor what do i owe you oh
really
knock knock
the one person that did believe in me my
low latina my grandmother
right my grandmother passed away of
cancer uh 19 years ago like she passed
away of cancer
the cool thing about my grandmother is
she fought that [ __ ] to the end she was
diagnosed with it
and she was supposed to go like that and
she ended up fighting that [ __ ] for five
years
and we all yeah it was amazing
it was a sad time but it was a good time
you know what i mean because i got to we
all moved to vegas that's why i moved to
vegas is to be with my grandmother
and uh and it was a sad time but it was
a good time because uh those those times
that i was with her she was you know i
got to meet my grandma i got to know my
grandmother she would tell me stories
and i would just sit there and listen
all day
man she would tell me all kinds of
stories i would just listen to her like
are you serious
really grandma so she used to lose her
keys too huh
tough as [ __ ] man my grandma was tough
and i know that's where i got my funny
from
my grandmother you know i mean she was
funny and she would do it indirectly
like catch me off guard all
the time like i would take her to chemo
and just driving in the car and she'd be
like just that
just had like what grandma i just want
you to know
that when i die like grandma don't say
that
i don't like it when you talk like that
no it's okay
why can't i not talk about that i'm
gonna go to heaven
you don't want me to go to heaven
[Applause]
one time we were sitting on the couch
right and and we're watching tv i said
true story this is so [ __ ] up she goes
just had just happened
i go grandma what she's like i just want
you to know
that when i when i pass away
my grandma please don't talk like that i
don't like when you talk no it's okay
jose
i am okay with it you should be okay
with it also
but when i pass away i just want you to
know
that every time you go to sleep
i'm going to be watching you
[Applause]
sometimes i will tickle your toes
and you'll wake up and then you'll look
at your head
and then i'll go
one time i was taking her back right
from chemo and i laid her on her bed
right
i put her on the bed and i go lola if
you need anything just call me i'll be
right here i'll take care of you okay
just call me she's like okay joseph
love you i love you and i started to
walk out and she goes joseph bless me
bless me if you're not filipino let me
tell you what blessing is okay this is
what we do with our elders when you
leave
and you say goodbye to your elders this
is what we do can you stand up just
let me touch you get your hand and you
touch the forehead like that it's a sign
of respect that's what we do we don't
look at our elders and go [ __ ] you peace
bye [ __ ] and then walk you show respect
that's what you're doing she was like
joseph bless me
you can't live without blessing your
grandmother and i was like oh my god
grandma i'm so sorry
i'll be right there right and i go and i
grab her hand right
and i go to touch my forehead and before
i touch my forehead she grabbed my dick
i got your feet i'm like
you