WHILE THE MIDDLE EAST IS GETTING HEADLINES, THERE ARE QUICKIE
SMALLER MOVIES YOU MAY HAVE MISSED.
FOR INSTANCE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS IMPEACHED.
REMEMBER THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DECADE.
>> Stephen: SO LAST DECADE.
WE THOUGHT IMPEACHMENT WAS ALL WE'D BE TALKING ABOUT IN THE NEW
YEAR.
WE EVEN MADE THIS GRAPHIC: "2020 IMPEACH-A-PALOOZA: THE
ONLY STORY THAT MATTERS!
NOTHING CAN TOP IT!
STARRING GENERAL QASSEM SOLEIMANI!"
STILL ALIVE!
SWING AND A MISS!
THERE HAVE BEEN MAJOR GEMENTDZ I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEM IN
TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> I'M NOT WORRIED.
I'M NOT WORRIED.
>> Stephen: NOW, WHEN WE LEFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS, THE HOUSE HAD
JUST IMPEACHED DONALD TRUMP.
AS SOON AS THAT WAS OVER, SENATE REPUBLICANS WERE RARIN' TO GET
THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT SO THEY COULD WHIP THROUGH THEIR
TRIAL, NO WITNESSES, NO EVIDENCE, NO EYE CONTACT, NO
KISSING-- CASH IS ON THE DRESSER.
LOCK THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT.
BUT THEN, THEN NANCY PELOSI DECIDED TO "WITHHOLD THE
ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT FROM THE SENATE UNTIL MITCH McCONNELL
AGREED ON PARAMETERS OF A TRIAL THAT SHE VIEWS AS FAIR."
HELL, YEAH, SHE'S GOT McCONNELL SHE'S GOT McCONNELL-- SHE'S
GOT HIM BY THE SACK.
WHICH, LOOKING AT McCONNELL COULD BE ANYWHERE ON HIS BODY.
HE'S GOT SPARES.
SO WHAT OUTRAGEOUS DEMANDS DOES NANCY HAVE FOR THE TRIAL?
WELL, FIRST UP, WITNESSES.
AND THERE'S A CHANCE SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY GET ONE, BECAUSE WE GOT
AN UPDATE FROM FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND THE
PRINGLES MAN'S CRUEL, DISTANT FATHER, JOHN BOLTON.
"NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TO THROW HIS LIFE AWAY ON CANNED
SNACKING!
BUT ONCE YOU POPPED, YOU JUST COULDN'T STOP, COULD YOU,
JUNIOR?!" BOLTON WAS AT THE CENTER OF THE
UKRAINE SCANDAL AND FAMOUSLY CALLED TRUMP'S DECISION TO
WITHHOLD AID IN EXCHANGE FOR POLITICAL FAVORS "A DRUG DEAL."
YES, A DRUG DEAL.
THIS IS LIKE "BREAKING BAD" EXCEPT THERE WAS NO WALTER, AND
EVERYBODY IS WHITE.
NOW, BACK DURING THE HOUSE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS,
INVESTIGATORS WANTED BOLTON TO TESTIFY, AND HE SAID NUH-UH.
BUT YESTERDAY, HE PUT OUT THIS STATEMENT:
"IF THE SENATE ISSUES A SUBPOENA FOR MY TESTIMONY, I AM PREPARED
TO TESTIFY."
OH, HOW COURAGEOUS TO VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING WE ALL KNOW IS
NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
( AS BOLTON )
ISSUES A SUBPOENA TO A CARIBBEAN SEX PARTY, I AM PREPARED TO
ARRIVE VIA COCAINE-POWERED HOVERCRAFT."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
ROSE BYRNE AND BOBBY CANNAVALE ARE HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE FIRST "MEANWHILE" OF THE DECADE.
STICK AROUND!