WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST HAS APPEARED ON "INSIDE AMY SCHUMER" AND HAD HIS
OWN COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL.
PLEASE WELCOME MARK NORMAND!
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, HEY.
HOW YOU GUYS FEELING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT.
GOOD TO BE HERE.
YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN ME.
I'M A LITTLE HUNG OVER.
YEAH.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING, WE STILL CAN'T PREVENT A HANG OVER.
WE HAVE ALL THIS MEDICAL RESEARCH.
I'VE TRIED THE WATER.
I'VE TRIED THE PILLS.
NOTHING WORKS.
WE CAN CAN PREVENT CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN'T PREVENT A HANGOVER.
AT LEAST SOME PEOPLE WANT KIDS.
I'VE NEVER WOKEN UP LIKE, "WHOA.
I AM REALLY HUNGOVER, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I WANT TO KEEP IT."
PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW HONEST YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK.
I HEAR THAT A LOT, "GET THAT GUY DRUNK AND HE'LLALLY YOU."
WHEN I'M HUNG OVER, THAT'S WHEN I'M HONEST.
MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR.
YOUR FRIENDS ARE LIKE, DO YOU WANT TO GET BRUNCH?
I'M LIKE, I'VE NEVER LIKED YOU.
EVERYTHING IS A LIE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.
YOU'RE LIKE, HEY, IT'S THE BEST NICE EVER.
THESE ARE MY GOOD FRIENDS AND SHE'S SUPER HOT AND YOU WAKE UP
AND SAY A WASTE OF TIME, I SPENT TOO MUCH MONEY, AND THAT'S A
DUDE.
I DRANK A LOT.
I HAVE HORRIBLE ANXIETY, REAL BAD ANXIETY, RIDDLED WITH
ANXIETY.
BY THE WAY, THE WORD "RIDDLED" NEVER USED WITH ANYTHING
POSITIVE.
THIS BODY IS RIDDLED WITH CANCER INSTEAD OF THIS ICE CREAM IS
RIDDLED WITH SPRINKLES.
HORRIBLE ANXIETY.
I LIVE IN THE CITY.
I DON'T HAVE A CAR.
I WALK AROUND EVERYWHERE.
YOU GUYS EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT HEADPHONES.
WOO!
THOUGHTS ARE NOT GOOD.
MY GOD.
THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT I LOVED MUSIC.
TURNS OUT I JUST HATE MY BRAIN BEING ATTACKED ALL DAY LONG BY
THE INSECURITY PLAYLIST ON SHUFFLE, YOU DRINK TOO MUCH, YOU
ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE.
YOU CALL THAT A PENIS?
YEAH, BECAUSE BEING AN ADULT IS HARD.
IT'S HARD BEING AN ADULT.
YOU CAN TELL BEING AN ADULT IS HARD JUST BY THE ABBREVIATIONS.
WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER IT'S L.O.L., O.M.G., B.R.B.
WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT.
CRAP I HAVE A D.U.I.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE D.M.V..
THE I.R.S. IS UP MY ASS.
I HAVE A U.T.I.
MY I.B.S. IS KICKING IN.
I MIGHT HAVE AN S.T.D.
KIDS ARE LIKE T.M.I.
MAYBE I'M A LITTLE CRANKY.
I GOT CALLED A DOUCHE BAG RECENTLY.
THAT'S A FUN WORD.
THE INSULT IS MORE POPULAR THAN THE ACTUAL PRODUCT.
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS EVER USED A DOUCHE.
NEVER SEEN ONE.
WHAT IS IT LIKE A ZIPLOC?
I FEEL BAD FOR THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE THING.
I INVENTED THIS THING FOR WOMEN'S HYGIENES.
WE'LL USE THAT TO DESCRIBE FEDORAS.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU, SO APPARENTLY THE GUY THAT INVENTED
IT, KIND OF A DOUCHE.
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT THE SWEATING IT.
I DON'T GET TOO OFFENDED BY IT.
I DON'T GET OFFENDED BY MUCH.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND WAS OFFENDED BY EVERYTHING.
SHE WAS A REALLY BIG FEMINIST.
I'M A FEMINIST BUT SHE WAS ANNOYING.
SHE WOULD SAY, "MEN JUST JUDGE WOMEN BY OUR LOOKS.
WHAT ABOUT OUR ACHIEVEMENTS?
THAT'S TRUE.
MEN THAT.
BUT LADIES, YOU DO THAT, TOO.
WE ALL JUDGE WOMEN.
ONE TIME SHE CALLED ME FLIRT WEANOTHER GIRL.
SHE WAS LIKE, WHAT, DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?"
THAT WAS HER FIRST QUESTION.
I WAS LIKE, "WHOA.
WHAT ABOUT HER ACHIEVEMENTS?" COME ON.
YEAH.
SHE'S ACCOMPLISHED A LOT.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT I GET IT.
IT'S GOT TO BE TOUGH TO BE A LADY.
I GET IT.
I CAN'T SPEAK FOR IT.
I'M NOT A WOMAN.
I DO THINK WOMEN CAN SAY STUFF MEN NEVER SAY.
I WAS OUT TO EAT WITH A WOMAN ONCE AND SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW
WHAT I LIKE IN A GUY, THE STRONG SILENT TYPE?"
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF A GUY SAID THAT.
"WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A WOMAN?"
"SILENCE.
I LIKE A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T TALK TOO MUCH."
YOU'D BE KICKED OUT OF SOCIETY.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE OLDER WOMEN.
THEY'VE SEEN IT ALL, BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK.
OLDER WOMEN ARE THE BEST.
I LEARNED ABOUT OLDER WOMEN.
I LEARNED ABOUT MENOPAUSE.
THAT'S FUN.
I'M VERY IGNORANT ABOUT THIS STUFF.
MY AUNT WENT THROUGH MENOPAUSE.
SHE'S BUMMED OUT AND DEPRESSED.
I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
MENSTRUATION IS OVER.
IT'S TIME ON MOVE THAT TAMPON STRING TO THE SIDE.
YOU GRADUATED.
WHY ISN'T THAT A PARTY?
WHERE IS THAT FACEBOOK INVITE?
HEY, AUNT SUSIE STOPPED BLEEDING EVERY MONTH.
ALL RIGHT!
EVERYBODY IN THE POOL!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT.
NOW YOU SEE WHY I GOT CALLED A DOUCHE BAG.
THANKS A LOT.
I'M KEVIN.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
>> Stephen: HE'LL BE HEADLINING THE JOY THEATER IN HIS HOMETOWN
OF NEW ORLEANS ON SEPTEMBER 1.
MARK NORMAND, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.