G'day, sort of a part two here so I get into this other thing about the favorite
person of the personal Borderline Personality Disorder which I said it in the other video
I think I've said enough is that really the object other representation of
idealization the good parent they didn't have an in devaluation the bad parent that
they may well have had or they perceive that they had so here's the other thing
I heard a lot about right was how much they love people BPD love this person and
then the person goes away and the very thing they fear the most is abandonment
but yet the you could say self-fulfilling prophecy is that they need need need so
much from this one person usually or even if it's five they're gonna need
too much from everybody um at a certain point in time it accrues you know it and
then if you don't do it just right well hey you know you're gonna go to
devaluation no longer favorite person but now still other representation
of negative or wounding parent and the point with that is so I heard people
describing this and I heard them say I really loved I was so attached to my
favorite person which of course that's the lexicon of a really inappropriate
unhelpful way to put it for both sides of the equation about BPD or BPD loved
ones or ex loved ones it's not really helping anybody in this scenario because
that's what therapists are for okay to help people with BPD to find themselves
and to help them find coping tools and mechanisms to be able to start to
internalize into a self that they need to find obviously first but to be able
to stop externalizing everything out there and find that self that's lost get
a container of identity and a place to put their own emotions and feelings and
learn how to soothe themselves and all kinds of things so if your being
somebody's quote favorite person you're really helping them out and you're being
set up to bail because there's no way that you can meet the expectations that
that their parent didn't meet that you're now the
to other representation of when you're the favorite person on the borderline
because because every relational every relational attempt be it marriage
whatever with people with PPE is subconsciously geared toward the
repetition compulsion of trying to replicate a situation and and attach and
love and have something Asia probably healthy but no they're doing that from a
young toddler place so when they are dating someone or they if they haven't
had enough treatment yet or any treatment but they're dating someone or
marrying czar married to someone then they look up to that person and looks
that person for everything and way too much and then stop to stop seeing that
person because has the quote favorite person often espouse your you're going
to then be the replacement parent and you're going to be be seen that way from
the dissociated from lost self from a very childlike place so I can't tell you
the number of people that have been in relationships the clients have worked
with that are in relationships people BPD or still so and this isn't true for
everybody but most okay that that if they haven't had therapy or enough yet
it's not gonna work out so when I was seeing these videos where I ended off my
last video was that these people say they really love their favorite person
they really love what's really object other parent representative of either
good or bad depending on ID license about the value like I said enough so if
you're really attached this is what I heard some people saying on YouTube who
have BPD well okay this is their perspective and this is what they feel
and believe they feel but all relationships and so unless people go
through enough treatment and/or recover all relationships with
those who the poor lighten personalities or have to rupture at some point because
that was the original experience and what was either trauma bond or insecure
attachment or anxious attachment or a boy did not secure attachment and in
many cases no attachment whatsoever so when they say they feel they felt really
attached or they feel really attached and they really love I don't know what
they're really feeling but it's more like a childlike love for the parent
that they never had in the idealization asset it's not really healthy adult love
it's not because you know the one thing about it too is that in this scenario
the it's not healthy adult love because because the person with BPD needs way
too much needs all that validation needs all that reassurance and I'm not saying
people with people you shouldn't get that but they need to learn how to give
it to themselves so so this this idea that people BP they might think they're
attached but they and they might attach so you could have a trauma bond casual
with them and they with you if you are the quote favorite person or you know
which is really a misnomer I I don't understand why people are using that
terminal or that word those words now but whatever point is that they don't
attach and they grab on and they have a desperation about that and that comes
from their trauma in early childhood but they may not realize that and also this
love you know which I know I get pounded a lot for certainly from people with BPD
maybe not always BP loved ones or exes but they can't
love in any mature way a most immature way that would be age stage appropriate
because it's young child's sort of love or reaching out grasping needing
parent object other or you want to cut everybody wants to say favorite person
now I just couldn't believe when I heard it put that way I don't know how long
this has been going on but I never came across it before so anyway I think this
is really what is being described in the term favorite person and as I've said
before you know people look born on personalized or if they're untreated or
they don't have enough treatment or they've been in therapy but they're not
engaging in or they're not growing for whatever reasons um they don't really
want security attached to anybody okay and then almost love in a healthy adult
way they love in a childlike way - husband wife partner as the object to
other parent representative representation of parent okay so not
favorite person it's not really what that's about
so I and I find it interesting that that dr. Fox talks about this and then he
said you know about a transitional object at one point nearing the end of
this video on the favorite person of the borderline and so you know yeah a
transitional object is really what people at the PD do need and in
treatment and and to work through this and a transit transitional object think
of the word object a transitional thing
shouldn't be another human being and that's what I feel so so I don't feel I
I just can't believe this terminology I cannot terminology but I can't believe
this reframe that isn't gonna help people with BPD to get any better and it
isn't going to help people who are trying to love them it and and people
born on personís or have repetition compulsion to have relationships need to
rupture because of the core wound of because they experienced in 75% of cases
of people with BP at least they experienced this trauma of abandonment
and and or other abuse and end and trauma and so with that then there was a
rupture in their early bonding attempt and you know and and if they formed any
attachment it certainly was not secure it was interrupted and it can me in most
cases it was a trauma bond and so this is what people who love people with BPD
get is not an attachment that's healthy not a mutual reciprocal relationship but
you're you're giving with a person who's going to at some point to value or go
back and forth between idealization and devaluation and that splitting and that
all-or-nothing black-and-white thinking because they are subconsciously from the
trauma if you will for lack of a better way to put it program to always have
quiet relational rupture because that's what happened with the trauma in the
early childhood so as my dogs go crazy in the background
this so I think it's really important to know that if you are the favorite person
as is everybody's now calling it their oversimplified by the way of a person
with borderline personality disorder
that's not an enviable place to be at all and even if it's working right now
it it can't work for the long-term as I think these people would be talking
about their quote favorite person unquote divorcing them and leaving them
which is what they mostly fear so but you see you could say people born on
precise or the more they fear the more they're jealous the more they're
possessive the more they need you there all the time the more they
which is true mean I'm not trying to make light of that or be sarcastic
the more they is a self-fulfilling prophecy how they always end up
abandoned but they're not really abandoned they're left for reasons that
they still need to understand more about no it's this repetition compulsion to
the rupture of relationships to the lack of attachment lack of secure attachment
trauma bonding and certainly no ability to UM to love in an age-appropriate
emotional healthy adult way because they're still
young children emotionally unless until they get enough therapy so I hope that's
helpful I'm not here to say I mean people can use whatever words they want
I just think that that's more to the point but this is really describing what
that oh my god cut it out if you are the favorite person of somebody with borland
personality sorter and you're not yet married you might want to give out some
second thought that they need a lot more treatment I don't know what they're
breaking back there before you would you know it's a good idea to get married
because this favorite person idea bubbly one I guess but it's not helping anyone
like I said and it's really about object other representation good parent they
didn't have or bad parent it sure as heck did have or feel or perceive the
Hat so it's kind of a it won't help people who are labeled a favorite person
because you're really object other parent object which means you're not
even getting seen or related to for who you are
nothing mutual reciprocal in that nothing healthy in that they don't
attach they trauma bond or they just don't attach so anyways I think I've
kind of said that over and in these two videos but I just really wanted to make
the point that is whole it's a misnomer it's really misleading
it's not gonna help people with BP is not gonna help the people that think
they're the favorite person and if you are someone without BP and you around
someone with BPD and you're getting labeled as a favorite person watch out
because that's just the beginning at the end
take care