>> OK, GUMDROP, READY FOR MY BOOSTER SHOT OF HO-HO-HO-DERNA!
GIVE ME THAT JOLLY JAB!
>> YOU SHOULD BE CHOCK FULL OF SANTA-BODIES NOW, BOSS!
>> WONDERFUL.
NOW I'M ALL SET.
SO LONG AS THE VIRUS NEVER MUTATES AGAIN.
(ALARM RINGS) >> OOP!
NO TIME FOR SIDE EFFECTS.
I'M OFF TO CERTIFY THE NAUGHTY AND NICE LIST, IN THE KLAUS OF
REPRESENTATIVES!
IT WAS IN THESE HOLLY-ED HALLS THAT JINGLE WASHINGTON SIGNED
THE CHRISTMAS CONSTITUTION, AND FIRST UTTERED THOSE FAMOUS
WORDS, "PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN."
SON OF A GRINCH!
(SINGING ANGRILY) >> JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS,
WHERE IS JFK!...JR!
SANTA IS A LIZARD MAN, IT'S TIME TO STOP THE
SLEIGH, HEY!
>> OH NO.
IT'S THOSE CHESTNUTS FROM SCROOGEANON.
>> THEY'RE PROTESTING AGAINST YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE NAUGHTY
LIST.
>> WELL, THIS ISN'T HELPING THEIR CASE.
(EMITTING A FERAL CRY) >> DIE!!!!
>> THAT'S TWO HOT MUGS OF CHRISTMAS COOCOO!
RUDOLPH!?
>> THE SNOWSTORM IS COMIN', SANTIFA!
>> YOU'RE IN SCROOGE-ANON NOW!?
BUT, YOUR NOSE SO BRIGHT IS MEANT TO GUIDE MY SLEIGH
TONIGHT.
>> WE'RE STOPPIN' THE SLEIGH!
>> RUDY, WE'RE FAMILY!
>> DON'T LISTEN TO HIM REIN-MAN.
'IS' PEOPLE WOULDN'T LET POOR RUDOLPH JOIN IN ANY REINDEER
GAMES.
HE'S NOT YOUR REAL DAD.
>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY. RUDOLPH, YOUR MOTHER'S
GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED.
>> FACEBOOK IS MY MOTHER NOW.
STOP THE SLEIGH!
(SOUND OF BELLS) >> IT'S THE BELL OF RIGHTS!
COME ON!
(CHEERING) >> THE OFFICIAL CHECK-TWICE
CEREMONY!
(TRUMPETS SOUND OUT) AND NOW, TO CERTIFY THE FINAL
NAUGHTY AND NICE TALLIES, I YIELD THE FLOOR TO THE CHAIR OF
THE LIST.
THE HONORABLE CATHY CLAUS.
>> THANK YOU, SANTA.
(BANGS GAVEL) >> I SHALL FIRST CALL ON THE ELF
ON THE SHELF FROM THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE.
>> THE ELF ON THE SHELF FROM MAINE DECLARES 657,000 NICE --
AY-YUH AND 270,000 NAUGHTY.
AHYUH.
LOBSTAH.
>> MADAME CHAIR, THE TALLY MATCHES THE LIST.
>> CHECK ONCE.
TWICE.
MAY MY SACK BE FILLED ACCORDINGLY.
(WHISPERING) THEY'RE WHAT?!
>> BREAKING NEWS.
I'M HERE AT THE NORTH POLE, WHERE A "STOP THE SLEIGH" RALLY
IS UNDERWAY, AND IT'S BEING WHIPPED INTO A FROTHY NOG OF
MADNESS.
>> HELLO MANIACS!
I FEEL YOUR RAGE!
YOU'VE BEEN PUT ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST FOR TOO LONG.
WELL, I TOO HAVE BEEN ON HIS NAUGHTY LIST EVER SINCE THE DAY
I SLAPPED MY WAY OUT OF THE WOMB!
AND TODAY, WITH YOUR HELP, ALL
MY PRESENTS!
>> UGH.
THAT GUY.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS ASKS FOR PORN AND SOUP.
>> I GOT A QUESTION FOR ALL Y'ALL: JUST WHO EXACTLY IS
WRITIN' THAT LIST IN THERE?
THE LIBERAL MEDIA WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE IT'S SANTA
BUT SCROOGE-ANON KNOWS THE TRUTH!
BEHOLD!
(DEEP EVIL VOICE) HO, HO, HO.
(CROWD GASPS) >> WE'RE CONVINCED! THAT'S GOOD
ENOUGH FOR ME!
ANAGRAMS CAN'T BE WRONG!
>> NOW, MY FELLOW PA-RUM-PUM- PUM-PATRIOTS:
LET'S GO LOCK SANTA UP IN IMAGINATION JAIL WITH
MY ARCH-ENEMY BIG BIRD AND BI- SEXUAL SUPERMAN!
DO IT!
FOR THE LIZARD MEN, AND HORSE PILLS, AND JEFFREY
EPSTEIN'S GHOST.
WHATEVER ELSE WE ALL BELIEVE IN!
JUST GET MY PRESENTS, LUNATICS!!
(YELLING CHAOS) >> THERE YOU HAVE IT.
A RECKLESS CAMPAIGN OF CHRIS-MISINFORMATION NOW ENDING
IN A FULLSCALE TINSEL-RECTION.
(WOOD BREAKING) >> OH ( BLEEP ).
>> (CHANTING) "WHOSE KLAUS?
OUR KLAUS!" ( GLASS SHTTERS )
(ROARING ) >> ( CHANTING ) "WHOSE
KLAUS?
OUR KLAUS!" >> IT'S YA BOY, RICK!
I'M INSIDE SANTA'S WORKSHOP, HERE TO RESTORE HONOR TO THE
LIST!
AND WHILE I GOT YA, DON'T FORGET TO VISIT RICK'S WORLD OF WILD
REPTILES OVER ON ROUTE 9.
5 DOLLARS OFF ALL IRREGULAR SNAKES WITH PROMO CODE:
"I WATCHED RICK'S CRIME!" >> I GOT THE SACK!
THIS THING'S MAGIC.
IT'LL GIVE YA ANYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST
DREAMS!
WHAT DO YA WANT?
>> VAPE PEN!
>> VAPE PEN RIGHT HERE!
>> VAPE PEN FOR ME!
>> OK!
>> LET'S GO, EVERYONE INTO THE PANIC CHIMNEY!
>> SANTA, I'VE NEVER SEEN PEOPLE THIS NAUGHTY!
THEY'RE NOT JUST NAUGHTY, THEY'RE NEO-NAUGHTZIS.
(METAL DOORS SLAM SHUT) >> CATHY, WE MUST PROTECT THE
LIST!
YOU HEAD TO THE CHAMBER.
I'LL BAKE THESE RIOTERS A FRESH BATCH OF
CHRISTMAS WHOOPASS.
>> WHO'S HUNGRY FOR SECONDS?
>> THE LIST!
>> HOO-HOO!
I TOLD YOU FANNIN' THE FLAMES OF A DELUDED BLOODTHIRSTY MOB HAD
NO BAD CONSEQUENCES!
WE GOT THE LIST!!
>> I'M SANTA CRUZ!
>> STOP THE SLEIGH!
>> RUDOLPH!
TO CANCUN!
>> WHERE WE GLOW ONE, WE GLOW ALL.
>> RUDOLPH!
NO!
>> HAHA!
NOW 'WE' SAY WHO GETS ALL THE PRESENTS!
SO LET THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE FINALLY BE DONE.
TED CRUZ.
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
IT'S SANTA!
HE'S GOT A CHRISTIAN SPACE LASER!
>> AH!
GET HIM OFF!
HE'S TOO HEAVY!
>> SUCK YOUR OWN SACK, SANTA!
>> WHERE'D HE GO?
>> TED.
GET OFF MY SLEIGH.
>> I'VE LEARNED NOTHING!!
>> NOW, MARJORIE...
>> DON'T YOU MOVE, FAT MAN...
OR THE VENISON BURGER GETS IT!
>> HEY, I'M ON YOUR SIDE!
>> MARJORIE, PLEASE, DON'T KILL RUDOLPH.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!
WELL, ACTUALLY...
>> I JUST WANT MY PRESENTS!
I'M A NICE GIRL!
>> SANTA!
>> RUDOLPH, WITH YOUR NOSE SO BRIGHT...
>> ... LET ME GUIDE YOUR SLEIGH TONIGHT!
>> MY EYES! AGH!
>> DANG IT!
>> I CAN'T FEEL MY LIMBS.
>> SANTA, I'M SORRY.
>> LATER!
THIS LANDING'S GONNA BE A REAL NUTCRACKER!
>> THE LIST IS NO MORE!
WE CONTROL CHRISTMAS FUTURE!
TELL US, O SCROOGE-ANON, HOW SHALL WE FULFILL YOUR SACRED
PROPHECY NOW?
(MESSAGE BLOOP) >> SCROOGE-ANON SAYS TO POOP ON
STUFF!
(CROWD CHEERS) >> O SCROOGEY ONE, THEN I AM
YOUR HUMBLE INSTRUMENT.
AID ME, TACTICAL TACO.
( CRASHING ) >> OH MY GOD, WE KILLED SANTA
CLAUS!
>> AWESOME!
>> ENOUGH OF THIS SCROOGE-ANON- SENSE!
RUDOLPH, ARE YOU OK?
>> I AM NOW, SANTA.
>> IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> NOW AS FOR THE REST OF YOU.
JUST WHAT WERE YOU HOPING TO ACHIEVE HERE TODAY?
TO KILL SANTA CLAUS?
WELL YOU CAN'T KILL SANTA.
BECAUSE SANTA IS A STORY.
A STORY ALL OF YOU BELIEVED AS CHILDREN.
THE STORY OF A GROUP OF POWERFUL BEINGS WORKING TOGETHER TO BE
NICE.
BUT FOR SOME REASON, WHEN YOU GREW UP, YOU STARTED BELIEVING
IN POWERFUL BEINGS WORKING TOGETHER TO BE NAUGHTY.
I MEAN, CRAZY NAUGHTY.
EATING BABIES IN PIZZA PARLORS NAUGHTY.
WELL, I SAY, IF YOU CAN MAKE UP A STORY OUTLANDISH ENOUGH TO
BELIEVE THE WORST OF EACH OTHER, THEN MAYBE, YOU CAN MAKE UP A
STORY JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THE BEST.
AND I'VE GOT ONE, RIGHT HERE.
IT'S THE STORY OF HOW SANTA CLAUS AMENDED HIS PROCESS FOR
ONE YEAR, TO REFLECT WHAT HE BELIEVED PEOPLE COULD BE.
MADAME CHAIR, LET US RESUME THE CEREMONY.
>> I CALL UPON THE ELF ON THE SHELF FROM... THE NORTH POLE!
>> THE ELF ON THE SHELF FROM THE NORTH POLE DECLARES...
THIS YEAR, 0 NAUGHTY, 100% NICE!
> MAY MY SACK BE FILLED ACCORDINGLY!
( CHEERING ) >> BUT YOU GUYS ARE STILL GOING
TO JAIL.
>> THAT 'IS' A GOOD STORY, KRIS!!
>> HEY! I GOT A SHIV!
>> MERRY SHIV-MAS!
>> BUT SANTA, THE SLEIGH IS COMPLETELY FIGGED.
HOW ARE WE GONNA DELIVER THE PRESENTS?!
>> HO HO, NOT TO WORRY.
SANTA MADE HIS OWN WISH THIS YEAR.
TO BEAT JEFF BEZOS IN THE SPACE RACE!
( MOTORS WORKING ) >> SANTA, HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS
SPACE SHIP LOOKS LIKE A GIANT-- >> SNOWMAN! IT'S A SNOWMAN,
NOTHING ELSE!
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, >> AND TO ALL... YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S BLUR THE SPACE SHIP JIMMY.
>> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER!
HO, HO, HO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪