As parents, we're always looking for ideas about how to get kids to listen
and respect. Alright, I'm going to throw this right back at you
to start out with. Why should they? Why should they listen to you? Oh, I know.
Because you're the parent, right? No, I'm talking about developmentally.
From a moral development standpoint. Why should they listen to you? Try to answer
that from their perspective. And it's going to inform what we can do to get a
little closer to our goal. So, to handle that question, we have to get out of
parent mode for a minute. We've got 10, 15 good reasons why they should listen to
us and respect, right? Put that aside for a moment. Why should they do it?
The answer to that question depends on where they are in their moral
development? Do you remember in other videos, we've talked about 3 stages of moral
development? Stage 1 is the least mature, stage 3 is the most mature. At
stage 1, it's all very selfish and self-centered. Me, me, me. It's demanding and
it's entitled. At stage 3, it's all about responsibility.
Stage 2 is somewhere in between and it has to do mostly with cooperation and a
willingness to negotiate with people. So, why should they listen to you? If they're
on stage 1, they have no reason to listen to you other than there's
something in it for them or they're going to get clobbered if they don't. It's
all very externalized. External consequences are what drives stage 1.
If they're at stage 2, why should they listen to you? Well,
because things go better for them. And for everybody else if they're listening.
At stage 3, why should they listen to you? Because you are so wise and you've
got so many great ideas are going to help them with their life. And
it's the right thing to do do. You see? There's very different reasons that a
child will listen to you at each of those different stages of development. If
you need to review the 3 stages, the first video that we put out that
actually describe the stages is called positive parenting. teaching kids
responsibility. You can look it up here on the channel. And there's other videos
that go over that as well. You can also tap into that at the Parenting Power-Up
which is an audio course that Vicki and I put together just for you. You can
check that out at parentingpowerup.com. Understanding your child's stage of
moral development helps you to answer the question, "Why should they listen to
you?" And you can structure things in a way that makes it more likely that they
will listen to you because you're speaking to them at their level. As a
parent, it's important to model listening and respect. Show them what it's like to
have someone listen to them and respect what it is that they're saying. So pay
attention when they're talking. Listening doesn't mean that you're being quiet
while you're waiting for your chance to talk. It means you actually tune in to
what they're trying to communicate to you. Model that for them. And show them
the respect of their ideas and opinions. That's going to go a long way also to
helping your kids learn to listen and respect. As a parent, it's important to
stay positive and let's borrow a little idea from our British parents. Stay calm
and parent on. We, want to keep our own emotional life in check. If we're not too
easily tipped over, then we provide a much better role model for our children.
Now, let's shift over from the listening part to the respect part for just a
minute. Because I think respect is something
that we train our children to do. And it starts with that calm, positive,
parenting approach. From that place, let's see what we can do to teach our kids
respect. I still remember a mom that I worked with. This was when I was doing my
internship in Portland Oregon. And this mom lived clear up in the northeast
corner of Portland. And she came down to my office which was right downtown. I was
working with her and her two teenage sons. These boys were bigger than she was.
Very strong, athletic kids. And they were being very disrespectful in a lot of
ways. You can imagine how frustrating that must have been to this mom. She
wanted to teach her boys to be respectful. And she hadn't found a way to
do that yet. Together we came up with a plan. And she implemented it beautifully.
Here's how it rolled. She was on her way home with the boys in the back of the
car during this particular incident. The boys started to pop off with all kinds
of disrespectful language especially. She very calmly... I'm so proud of her for this.
She very calmly just reached over her shoulder or turned over her shoulder
briefly and said, "Guys, that language is disrespectful. Please make it respectful."
Okay, now what do you think they did? Of course, they fell into lied and were so
respectful. No, no! They weren't. They kept doing what they were doing. Sorry, but
that's how they're going to be right? They don't know anything different yet. So, she
pulls the car over to the side of the road. And she says, "Guys, get out. I can't
have this disrespectful language in the car, you need to get out."
Can she enforce that? Think about it. They're bigger than she is. We don't want
to get into a control battle right now. Because they're going to win that one.
So, she did the next thing on her list. If they're not going to get out of the car,
she stayed calm. So proud of her for that. She stayed calm. She got out of the car,
took the keys with her. And walked across the street. Disappeared into a store. A
few minutes later, the boys see her come out of the store. Wave at them cheerfully
and get into a car with her friend. As she drove off. Now, what are the boys get
it? Well they sat there for a minute wondering what to do. And then they got
out and they walked the remaining 2 and a half miles to their home. By the
time they got home, they were humble. You know what I'm talking about? And mom was
ready there with a smile. Positive and calm, okay?
She's ready there with a smile. She says, "Guys, welcome home. So glad you're here.
Have a seat, I've got dinner ready for you." And they were able to have a
conversation over dinner about respectful language and behavior. See,
this mom is earning the respect of her sons by staying calm, staying positive
and finding something that she can enforce. It was a powerful learning
experience for those boys. So many moving parts to being a parent. I'm so glad that
you're here. Honored to be on your team. If we can be in further assistance, leave
us a comment down below. We'd love to know your ideas for future videos. and if
you haven't checked it out yet, make sure you go to parentingpowerup.com. It's
got a lot of great resources for you there.