(bell dinging)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, hon.
(upbeat music)
- I wanna watch movies, I wanna take a bath, I wanna--
- Write it down, write it down, make a list, make a list.
- Okay, I want to blast the stereo.
I wanna have sex in the kitchen.
- Oh yeah, put me down for that, too.
(audience laughing)
Oh man, I wanna eat pizza, I wanna run around naked,
I wanna, I wanna...
(audience laughing)
- I can't believe these people.
They totally ruined my hair.
I am so pissed.
- Ayy.
- All right, look, Doug.
I do not wanna get involved with these people,
so no matter what they suggest, we say no, got it?
- Fine, so what's our excuse?
- I have a cold.
- Ew, what if Tim wants to do something with me?
- Excuse me, I thought of it, okay, I get the cold.
I'm nasal anyway.
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
All right, go, go.
- Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hey there, how you doing?
(sneezing loudly)
Ah I'm sorry, I got a cold.
(audience laughing)
Oh, no.
Oh, honey.
It's a Dougquake.
(audience laughing) Oh no, oh boy.
Quick, under a door jamb, under a door jamb.
Find one.
- Stop it.
- Aftershocks.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music) - You are so dead.
And seeing you in that uniform again,
yummy.
I would take you right now
if the world didn't need its packages.
- Yeah, and I'd take you right now
if it hadn't just taken ya last night.
(audience laughing)
As you know, I need a 24-hour turnaround.
(audience laughing)
(bottles crashing) (audience laughing)
Oh it's like a Twilight Zone.
(audience laughing)
- Doug, what are you doing now?
- I'm looking for something to eat.
- This is my boss's apartment.
You can't just rifle through his kitchen.
- Carrie, if I don't eat something in the next minute,
I will die.
(audience laughing)
Chewable vitamin Cs.
(pills rattling) (audience laughing)
Oh god, not chewable, you're not chewable.
(audience laughing)
- Doug, don't spit in their sink.
They're obviously clean freaks.
Stop it, stop it.
Stop.
- Oh.
Eggs, score.
- No, no, no, no, no.
(audience laughing)
- I'm just making an omelet.
- No.
- Just a plain one.
- Doug, they're gonna start to wonder where we are.
- If you work with me on this, it'll go faster.
(audience laughing)
Now I need a frying pan and a whisk.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)
- Hey.
- You owe me big.
Tim is very unpleasant.
(audience laughing)
You did good, babe.
- I said you owe me big.
(audience laughing)
(lips smooching)
- There you go. (audience laughing)
- Don't kill me now.
Maybe you should have dinner with this guy.
- You want me to go on a date?
- No, not a date.
As far as you're concerned,
it's just a dinner to discuss law stuff.
But then, while you're eating,
you guys talk, you smile, you laugh,
I mean the night is just magic.
(audience laughing)
Then next week when you go to court to contest the ticket,
he doesn't show up to testify 'cause he's sweet on you,
and bam.
Bye bye, ticket.
It's a perfect plan.
(audience laughing)
Wait a second, is this guy good looking?
- Not really.
- It's a perfect plan.
(audience laughing)
(seductive music)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ All the time ♪
♪ We both know ♪
- Stop it.
(audience laughing)
- Why'd you turn the music off, baby?
- It was either that or dive out the window,
Carrie. (audience laughing)
Carrie, you're horrible at this.
(fist squelching) Ugh.
(audience laughing) - You're an ass.
This was your idea in the first place, you know.
- I know.
- And now you're telling me that I suck at it?
I mean, do you know how humiliating this is?
- I know, we've both gone through hell these past two weeks.
(audience laughing)
You're not feeling it.
You're not living it.
Like that spin kick move you do?
- Yeah?
- Let me show ya.
(audience laughing)
Honey.
Here, like this. (audience cheering)
I'm just gonna.
You're an angel.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)