- In this video,
I'm gonna show you the three biggest mistakes
that I see people make that actually kills attraction.
I'm gonna show you how you can revert this energy,
actually become more magnetic,
and stop doing what actually isn't working.
Now, the interesting thing about this
is that some of these things I share,
people believe, subconsciously,
actually is gonna get them closer to what they want.
But in fact, it has the exact opposite effect.
Now, the first one is one that is probably one of the things
that people use
and have no idea that it's actually repelling
that which they want,
and that is that of neediness.
The energy of neediness is something that people do
because somehow there's a belief that,
if I try to control,
if I do these other things that are needy,
but that it's going to actually get me what I want.
This happens very often as well
with that of what is called an anxious attachment style.
So in general, there is anxious attachment,
avoidant attachment, and secure attachment.
These are the three main attachment styles.
And what people with anxious attachment style believe
is if I try to control,
if I go and, you know, try to fix this person.
If I am this needy type way,
then I will get that of the validation, the approval,
the feeling of safety, or whatever the desire is.
Now, the thing is is that actually, many times,
has the complete opposite effect.
Have you ever been or met somebody
that really, really wanted your approval?
Really wanted you to do something?
A lot of times, you can feel this
if you're going to a sales store.
Go to a sales store,
and you'll notice that the person
that is normally the least attached
is normally the person you're gonna be most attracted to.
If somebody's like, "Can I please help you?
Can I please help you,"
and they really wanna help you,
it's coming from a level of neediness,
and then what'll end up happening
is you're gonna feel that energy,
and you're gonna kind of back off.
It's like, if I was making this video,
and I was like, "Please like this video, please."
And you were like, "Whoa, bro, just calm down, dude."
But there's a different energy
when it's like you're unattached from the outcome.
Now, you could still have an intention.
You could still have an intention.
Like, me working that nine to five job,
if I were to go in, and using the sales idea as an example,
if I were to go into work
and my intention were to connect to other people.
my intention were to add value to other people,
that's a very present moment energy.
But if I needed to make my paycheck,
if I needed other people's validation or approval,
then it was a very different thing.
Now, with this as well, let's look at this.
This is a very simple way of understanding magnetic energy
versus needy energy.
Think of magnetic energy as also non-neediness.
The degree to which you are not needy
is the degree to which you are attractive.
The degree to which you have needy energy
is the degree to which you actually repel love.
So the key to this is moving
and letting go of the needy energy,
which, a lot of times, comes from also codependency,
codependent energy.
And a deeper aspect of this is, as kids,
what many times happened
is we felt like our needs weren't being met,
and we would then attune ourselves to our parents
and to our environment in order to get our needs met.
So it's almost like there's a belief, growing up,
that there's something wrong with me.
I'm not good enough the way I am.
It doesn't feel safe inside my own body,
so I must tune to my mom or my dad
and somehow make them happy.
I must please them, be the way they want me to be.
And then what happens is, even after childhood,
we're then in relationships, you know, years later,
and we feel like, "Oh, I'm still tuning to my parents,"
even though now that parent
might even be your significant other
or someone that you're dating,
and you want their approval or validation.
You feel like you need them.
And the key to this is realizing that,
a lot of times, what happened here
with neediness and codependency is,
as kids, we may have felt like our needs were not met.
Our inner childhood needs were not met,
and therefore, a lot of times,
we wire in a belief that there's something wrong with me.
There's something wrong with me,
and that in order for me to actually get my needs met,
I must overcompensate.
I must overcompensate; I must be perfect.
I must make other people happy.
And then what ends up happening
is we get a self-fulfilling belief-prophecy thing,
where we attract people that naturally can't meet our needs
because it feels normal for our needs not to be met,
and then we go through a whole process with that
because it refuels the belief,
"Oh, there's something wrong with me.
Of course they can't meet my needs
'cause mom and dad couldn't meet my needs."
So we're like magnetized and attracted
to that kind of energy for some reason
because it feels familiar.
So what is the cure to this?
The cure to this, one of the most powerful things
I could possibly share with you that's changed my life,
is becoming aware that I had a very strong abandonment wound
growing up,
where I felt abandoned by my mom or dad.
In many ways, I was like...
My needs weren't being met,
even though they were doing the best they could.
And because my needs weren't being met,
I then felt like, emotionally and physically...
I mean, not emotionally and physically,
but in some ways,
many people that have this abandonment wound,
their mom or dad may have emotionally or physically
left or abandoned them when they were kids.
And then the story, the belief, is made
that something's wrong with me.
And then it's like in order to get my needs met,
being needy is one of the ways to do that.
If I could just...
If I just show the neediness and then try to grasp onto...
And really what neediness is, by the way too, is attachment.
Attachment.
It's being attached to the outside environment
in order to get our own inner child needs met.
And that attachment is then what causes a lot of the pain.
The Buddha says that attachment
is the root of all suffering.
And it is because we attach ourselves to things.
We develop a story and a belief that,
"I must have this thing in order to be happy,"
and we give a lot of importance to it,
and then we end up resisting it.
So the first biggest mistake that kills attraction
is neediness.
And the way to get from neediness to non-neediness
is to actually look at the abandonment wound,
to look at the abandonment wound,
if you felt physically or emotionally abandoned as a kid,
and to realize that a lot of times,
now, what you might be doing
is actually abandoning yourself.
Abandoning yourself in order to try to get your needs met
and attracting people that really can't even
meet your needs.
So it's just a constant cycle of refueling
the initial belief that,
"They leave; they don't stay.
I'm not worthy to have somebody stay around
or to be emotionally or physically present."
So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And the way to, a lot of times, stop that
is to stop abandoning yourself.
And one of the biggest things to attraction
that I've learned is, like,
actually getting into my own frame,
feeling safe inside my own body,
living according to my own integrity, to my own values,
and letting that be the north star
of integrity, vulnerability, courage, self-acceptance.
Living by these virtues
instead of co-dependency and the neediness
and wanting everyone else to, like, meet my needs.
So stop abandoning yourself.
When you stop abandoning yourself,
you realize that other people don't abandon you
because then you feel safe.
It's like you're safe in your body.
You develop a belief system.
"It's safe for me to be in my own energy."
And then other people feel that off of you
'cause remember everything that you feel about you
is being projected out.
Other people feel that,
and they're just replaying the same patterns
that they feel off of you.
We've trained people to treat us a certain way.
And when we change our energy,
we then have sometimes a different standard.
That's the first, one of the biggest, mistakes with this.
The second one is also one
that a lot of times people think they do.
It's somewhat similar to neediness.
It has a similar thread,
but it's a different avenue that I wanna talk about.
That is the avenue of manipulation.
Manipulation is something we do,
and we don't even know we're doing it.
People pleasers, nice guys, nice girls,
or whatever we wanna call that.
Those are mechanisms that's used...
So the other side of that...
So you have people pleaser, nice guys.
On the other side of that,
you could say like narcissism and gaslighting.
Sometimes this is ways that people get their needs met.
Once again, a lot of this attraction stuff
has to do with the non-neediness of not trying to...
It's really just that simple.
The less needy you are,
the more attractive your energy will be.
Now, when it comes to manipulation,
a lot of times, what people pleasers and nice guys,
nice girls, or whatever believe
is they believe that if they're nice,
if they please you,
then they're gonna get their needs met
of validation and approval.
This is something that I had to shed
because my dad has been kind of like
the people pleaser nice guy his whole life.
And I've seen it not necessarily work in his favor
with my ex-stepmom, who was a narcissist.
A lot of times, there tends to be an attraction here
because they're both playing on their own core wound.
The difference is empaths, people pleasers, nice guys,
they're very sensitive and can feel other people's energy.
And one of the ways they get their needs met
is they give, they're nice, they please
in order to get back their needs met,
which is normally the validation and the approval.
Narcissism, they also wanna be validated and approved of,
but the way they do it is a little bit different.
Instead of giving, they demand.
They take, they gaslight, they emotionally manipulate.
These are both two sides of the same spectrum,
the same core wound.
This is why this one tends to magnetize this one.
Normally, there's also a certain level of boundaries
that is, like, kind of blurry.
And because of that, it's like...
Somebody that's like a narcissist, that's manipulative;
the people pleaser, nice guy, or whatever,
they put up with that because they believe they should,
or they just wanna get their needs met.
People that really feel secure within themselves
will be like, "I'm not dealing with that,"
and they would walk away.
They wouldn't even put up with it.
But with this manipulation thing,
the thing to realize this
is there's an avoidance of vulnerability,
and the cure to that is actually vulnerability.
So for the first one,
the neediness thing, the main core wound,
is the abandonment.
The key is to stop abandoning yourself.
The nice guy, people pleaser thing, very common.
It's like, "If I'm nice," but it depolarizes relationships.
For a long time, I'd be dating someone.
I would do whatever they wanna do.
I would change myself and try to fix them
because I could fix them
in whatever way and make them better.
Then, I'd become indispensable.
They would never leave me,
which is also, of course,
connected to the abandonment wound.
But the people pleasing thing was like,
it was hard for me to set boundaries with people.
I felt like their happiness and other people's happiness
was my responsibility.
Because as a kid, you probably, in your family,
felt like it was your responsibility
to make everyone else in your family happy.
Maybe you were the glue in your family
that just glued everything and kept it all apart
'cause otherwise everyone would go frickin' nuts.
But the key to this is actually vulnerability
because it's not the...
The real you is not the people pleaser.
Sometimes people think,
"It's authentic for me to be so nice."
No, because being nice is different than being kind.
Being kind, you're kind 'cause it's who you are.
It's having compassion.
It's not attached to the outcome.
When you are being nice,
it's because there's something you want to get in return.
And a lot of times when you're being nice,
if someone's not nice back to you, screw them.
You won't say to them, "Screw you,"
because that would be scary.
They may not like that.
You don't wanna feel what they feel.
But if you were to tell them to go F off,
that would actually be more authentic.
But you might hold it back 'cause you don't want...
You don't want them to feel bad about it.
You don't want them to feel a certain way.
So the key to this is actually vulnerability,
expressing the real you.
Not bullshitting.
Then, people also feel safe.
They feel like they can be around you,
and they feel like they know
what they're getting themselves into.
And it's just a more solid energy.
I remember, like a year or two ago,
when I shed this pattern, it was like...
It was so liberating for me to actually just...
I had trouble expressing my emotions,
expressing if I was attracted to someone,
expressing if I felt like somebody
walked past my boundaries.
Then, all of a sudden,
I was able to express all these things.
I became like a boundary ninja.
I was like, "Boom, no, no."
That's kind of what happens.
You go, "No, no, no, no, no," at first.
But it's liberating.
And then you start realizing,
"What the hell do I want to do?
What do I wanna do?"
This isn't coming from a place of narcissism,
like, "The world that revolves around me."
But it's being in your own frame
and asking yourself that question moreso than like,
"What will make this person happy?
What will please this person?
What can I say to be nice to this person?"
Being nice is manipulative.
Being a people pleaser is manipulative.
You're trying to manipulate them
into getting your needs met,
but it's not authentic.
It's authentic for you to be vulnerable,
to express the real you.
Don't hold in shit; don't be passive aggressive.
And as you do that, you'll realize,
whew, way more energy comes to you.
Now, the third thing
that is also somewhat connected to these things
that really changes everything about your energy
is real simple,
and that has to do with something called outcome dependency.
Outcome dependency.
The first one is codependency.
The third one, outcome dependency.
A lot of times, if we are focused on the outcome of things,
it takes us outta the present moment
and it focuses on trying to manipulate the environment
or it focuses on the future or the past.
And one of the most attractive things with energy
is that energy is present moment-focused.
It's embodied.
The energy is inside your body.
If you're going on a date, for example,
and your goal is, "I'm gonna sleep with them.
I'm gonna get their approval or validation.
I'm going to get them to text me back.
I'm gonna get them to like me,"
that's called manipulation.
That's outcome-focused.
If you're going on a date because you just wanna have fun,
you're curious to see if you have something in common
with this other person,
you're curious to see if you have similar values as them,
that's a very different energy.
The energy is completely different when you are going
and you're not attached to outcome.
And not being attached to outcome
is also a little bit about trust,
trusting the process,
trusting yourself being inside your own body.
One of the biggest things and exercises that I recommend
is putting the energy in your hands and your feet
and feeling the separation between you and the other person,
even,
even the person that you're dating
because then you start to feel safe in your own body.
When you feel safe in your own body,
you're not so much attached to what they're doing,
to what they're...
If they're meeting your needs.
But when you focus more on being present in the moment,
it's a very different energy.
Like, if I were to make this video like,
"This video has to be amazing.
it has to have all these different nuances to it.
I really hope it goes..."
It's like I'm attached to the outcome.
It's a very different energy.
But if I'm like, "I'm gonna enjoy making this video,"
it is very different energy.
If I focus on having fun, showing more personality,
it's more expressive.
Think about this.
There's something called expression impression.
If you're focused on impression, you're focused on outcome.
I want to impress them.
I care and give a shit about what they think about me.
If you're focusing on expression,
this one's because it's who you are
and it's how you prefer to be.
This one's because of what it will get you,
manipulation.
Expression is, "I'm gonna express the real me.
I'm gonna be the vulnerable.
I'm gonna show my heart.
I'm gonna show who I really am."
And as you set the intention to show those things,
they may like it; they may not like it.
That's okay, you're doing it 'cause it's who you are.
If you're being kind,
it's because it's who you prefer to be,
even if they're like little dicks about it.
But if you're trying to get their...
You're trying to be nice
'cause you want them to be nice back to you,
it's a form of manipulation,
and the way that you let that go
is you realize it's not really authentic.
A lot of times, the nice guys and people pleasers, they say,
"Well, this is just who I am.
It's just authentic."
It's not authentic to try to manipulate someone else
to get your needs met.
The key is to be vulnerable, to be real.
Sometimes not everyone's gonna like that
because they've been used to walking on you for so long,
but guess what?
That's okay.
Being the real you takes courage,
but as you do that, I promise you,
your whole entire energy will change.
Now, something that is coming on August 15th
is something called the Magnetic Mastery Membership.
This is a simple monthly container of safety,
where we can heal, transform, be accountable,
and connect with each other
to transform into our highest vibrational selves.
So if you wanna elevate your vibration,
if you wanna raise your vibration,
if you wanna become the most magnetic you permanently
without falling back into the old pattern,
then go ahead and click the link below, sign up,
and join the wait list
because that's when we begin
this community, accountability, and coaching
that we're gonna be doing every single week.
Every single week, I do these live coaching calls.
I did the first one for the founding members
just a couple days ago,
and it was so cool to put people in groups,
to have them do some group work
and do breakout groups in Zoom,
connect from all over the world.
We had one group with two people from Minnesota,
one person from South Africa,
one person from Switzerland, one person from Germany.
It was so cool,
and they all had very similar things in common,
and they were able to hold space for each other
and able to realize different things about themselves.
And in this kind of group work,
so much transformation can happen.
So if you ever wanted the accountability,
the community, and the coaching from me every single week
to become the most magnetic you,
then sign up below, click the link,
or go to www.magneticmastery.com.
And also, it's only $29 a month.
Cancel anytime.
Isn't that crazy?
That's what it'll be, if it's not out already.
So anyways, click the link below.
Check that out.
Also, if you want a video that's gonna help you
to learn the power of letting go
and why that's so damn magnetic,
it's one of the most powerful videos I have,
check this video out right here.
This video implies something somewhat interesting.
First off, let me say that right off the bat.
So it says, "Five secrets to letting go
that make you attractive AF."
Now, when we talk about you being attractive,
understand that there's a belief there
that that kind of implies...