I'd say this is in the top 5 questions that are coming up in our
positive parenting groups. How to limit screen time for teenagers? This really is
a point of conflict for a lot of families and has come up so many times
in my coaching groups lately then I thought maybe we should have a little
chat about this. Screen time is really, really valuable to teenagers. In fact,
when you look at the way they spend their time, it's pretty heavily dominated
by screens in our current society. This gives parents some heartburn sometimes.
The most important place to start here is to create a culture within the family
of collaboration and communication. Before we even get into some of the
specific tips around screen time, let me suggest that having a regular time when
your family can talk about things like screen time... This isn't the only thing
you're going to be talking about. Because there's all kinds of other topics that
are going to come up. Create a time and a place where those conversations can
happen. This takes some of the awkwardness out of it too.
Vicki and I have done this in the form of what we call family home evening or
family night. And we had it every Monday night usually around the same time right
after dinner, the kids knew that it was going to happen. Well, if there's a
regular family meeting a come together a time in a place where you can have
conversations as a family, then it's not so awkward when we've got something to
talk about because it's just part of the process. In this family meeting we always
taught a principal, had some fun together and enjoyed a treat. Those were the
essential elements to us and there's a lot of reasons why I would suggest you
do that. This creates a context now where we can have the discussion.
Compare that for just a minute to how it would feel if you called out to everyone
in the home. "Hey, everybody. We need to get together to talk about (whatever) screen
time." "Oh, mom and dad wanted to talk about this." This is a problem, right?
As opposed to what I'm suggesting here is just part of the process. "Okay,
tonight's topic is screen time." And you'll get some groans and moans. But at
least part of the family culture. My next tip to you is an expansion of the first
one. Part of this family culture that we're creating is a common language
which gives us a way to talk about the screen time. I would not suggest that you
have a blanket rule for everyone about screen time. I think it needs to be
geared toward their level of maturity. In other videos here on the channel, we've
talked about 3 stages of moral development. Go to the video entitled
Teaching Kids Responsibility and you'll see what I'm talking about there. In that
model, it's really important to understand our kids level of moral
development because the way we approach them as parents will change based on
their stage, not age. You might have 2 teenagers in your home the same age. My
parents did. I'm a twin. And my sister and I were the same age. What if you've got
two 13-year olds? Or if you've got two 17-year olds? Or if you've got
a 15-year old and a 14-year old?
You're not going to base it on their age. You're going to base it on their stage
of moral development. That is really important because you're going to treat
them differently depending on their maturity. We live in an age of technology
and that means we have possibilities that weren't even available to us before
to monitor what's going on with the screen time. Have you noticed on your own
device you get a little report or you have the ability to get a
report of what kind of screen time has happened on that device. If you're not
familiar with how to do that, figure it out. Because what you monitor is what is
easiest to adjust or change. And I'm guessing that your teenagers have no
idea how much time they're spending on that screen. You may not have much idea
about how much time they're spending on that screen. This tip is simple. Monitor
it, track it, report it. And that way you can build in incentives for adjusting
the screen time appropriately. You'll also get some really good information
about what kinds of apps or websites or usage statistics are going on for that
particular device. Let's monitor. You remember when we were talking about
depending on the stage of your kids, you're going to approach it in different
ways. If they're mature enough, I want you to consider offering collaboration
rather than instruction. This is powerful especially with teens who are mature
enough to handle it. They get to have more input, more say,
more control over how the screen time plays out. And they have opinions, believe
me. If you offer an opportunity for them to collaborate, that's going to feel
differently to them than if you simply jump in with all kinds of rules and
restrictions. And it'll feel oppressive to them in that point. Now, a little
caveat here. Most teens when you impose any kind of restriction or guideline are
going to feel a little oppressed. They're going to feel like their life is being
restricted in ways that they don't like. I'm not talking about that normal kind
of response. I'm just talking about sometimes as parents, we don't give them
enough credit for knowing or having some insight into what would be good for them.
Again, this depends on their level of moral development. And for kids who are
at least willing to cooperate with you, give them a collaboration offer. Sit down
with them, have some communication around, "Hey, what do you think we could do about
the screen time?" And maybe this happens best after you've already done the other
tip that I gave you about monitoring so that you have some actual data. You're
not just coming at it with, "Well, I think you're spending too much time on the
screen." We can look at, "Hey, we're spending this much time on the screen." And then
open up some collaboration and communication about what can happen next.
In the communications that you have with your teenager about this particular
issue, you're going to notice that there's a different area of focus and
you get to choose which one you pick. What if you were to choose choice and
agency as your focus rather than avoidance or deprivation? See, we're not
trying to stay away from screen time. We're trying to make better choices
about screen time. Kids feel differently about this too. Especially teenagers. If
they feel like you're taking something away from them, they're going to resist
or cling to that thing or try to get it. Sometimes in inappropriate ways. Choice
and agency. I had a really great experience with this when I was running
a group with some young people ages 14-15 years old. There's about a dozen of
them in this group. And when I started this group meeting, I said to everyone
present. I said, "Don't come to this group." And they're looking at me like "What? What
are you talking about? I have to be here. I'm required to be here." I said, "Don't
come to this group unless this is the very best place you could choose to be
during this hour, then come. You will be welcomed will have a great experience
here together. If you don't want to be here, please with my blessing, go wherever
it is you want to be." And this kid in the he's leaning his chair up against the
wall, he's got his hat on backwards. You know, he's all got this attitude thing
going on. And he says, "Well, I have to be here. I'm required to be here." I don't
know if it was the court or his mom or whatever. "I have to be here." I said, "you
don't have to be here." I'm looking around I don't see your probation officer. I
don't see your mom. Leave. And he hadn't considered before then he's got some
choice in the matter. I share that with you because what if we could apply some
of what I learned in that group to the conversation that we're having with our
kids about screen time? It's not about, "Hey, I'm going to take this away from you.
You'll be restricted. Or we have to avoid this thing that is dangerous."
No, let's bring it back to choice, an agency. You get to choose how you spend
your time. Here's what we've learned about the effects of screen time and you
can share that with them. Here's what my concerns are about it. Now, you get to
choose. No, going back to the group. The kid who is challenging me about that
would actually get some pretty serious consequences if he chose to get up and
leave. He knew that. I knew that. I still wanted to emphasize that it's his choice
to do that or not. You get to choose what you do, you don't always get to choose
the consequences. This puts you in a powerful position as a parent because
you're not the bad guy. The consequences are. And they might try to come back with,
"Well, you're implementing these consequences." Yeah, for reasons that I
think are important and valid as a parent. That is true. But you get to
choose. It's a powerful way to shift the energy. At the end of the day, you are
still the parent and sometimes you have to take control where you have to take
control. This isn't a popular thing with teenagers, I know. Remember, we're going to
emphasize choice and accountability and agency. That they get to choose well for
themselves. You still have to step up when you feel that it's necessary
as a parent and provide what is appropriate based on their level of
maturity. If you have to take control of that device, because of demonstrated
immature behavior that in dangers them or other people, then take control of the
device. This is not the time to be their friend. This is the time to be their
parent. And there's a difference. Now, I love it that parents can have a friendly
and loving and close relationship with their teenagers. You might have to do the
unpopular thing from time to time based on their choice. You don't get to
determine how they spend their screen time. If you're monitoring it, you might
see how they're doing it. And if they're doing it in ways that endanger
themselves or others, you might have to take control over it. And there's
assistance for you about how to do that. You can check out other videos here on
the channel or jump in one of our coaching groups if you want more
specific help. Just realize you're going to have to do it sometimes. I just told you
that you have to take control from time to time. But I also want to reiterate the
fact that you are a benevolent, generous, loving parent. A benevolent generous
loving... Write those 3 words down. Keep a note somewhere because you're gonna
have to remind yourself. Your kids aren't going to tell you this. "Oh, you're mean.
You're restricting me." Okay, yeah. They're feeling upset because
they're feeling a little pinch based on their choices.
Has nothing to do with you as a parent. You are simply allowing access to the
device for example based on their maturity or appropriate decisions. So,
don't buy what they're selling. Stay in a position where you see yourself as a
benevolent, generous, loving parent which you are. There's ample arguments that
that is actually the case. And from that position, you don't have to yell at them,
you don't have to get upset. You control what you need to control like
talked about in the previous tip. And you approach it as a benevolent, generous,
loving parent. That means you get to remain calm. No yelling is necessary. No
arguments are necessary. It simply becomes a business transaction where you
provide something to them based on their behavior. I know I've talked a lot of
philosophy on this particular episode. Did you know that there is practical
help and assistance available for you over a live on purpose central. Come to
DrPaulJenkins.com. That's D-R, paul, Jenkins, ".calm". You're going to be thrilled at
the resources that are available to you as a parent. Come join our community.