- Got a little email this morning from an ex-girlfriend
who says she needs to see me.
- No kidding, I wonder if she's knocked up.
- I haven't heard from her in five years.
- So she's bringing you a four year old.
Okay, I'm out of here.
- Hey Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?
- Yeah, she joined the Mormon Church so she can get
a rent controlled apartment in Salt Lake City.
Oh you mean your mom, no.
Okay.
Table's set on the deck and dinner's in the oven.
- Great.
- You might wanna keep the candles away from the eggnog.
- Got it.
- All right then, I'm leaving now.
- Well, goodbye and thanks.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. - All the best.
- Same to you.
(audience laughs)
- Give me my bonus you block head.
(audience laughs)
- Oh right.
Thank you for all your hard work.
(audience laughs)
Couldn't get along without you.
(audience laughs)
You're a one in a million.
(audience laughs)
Really?
- What would Jesus do?
(audience laughs)
Morning Charlie.
Charlie?
(audience laughs)
Good, I don't have to give him mouth to mouth.
(audience laughs)
- Morning. - Morning.
- He sleeping? - Sure, let's call it sleep.
(audience laughs)
- We're going through a really tough time right now.
My marriage is collapsing, my business is slow,
my little boy is being dragged back and forth
from his mother's house to Malibu.
- My alcoholic husband ran off with my daughter's
parole officer and I clean rich people's toilets
for a living.
(audience laughs)
- Okay let's not make this a competition.
(audience laughs)
- [Woman] Alan.
- Well gadzooks, Zippy's getting his freak on.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
- I guess if they can put a man on the moon
they can put a woman on your brother.
(audience laughs)
Who's the girl?
- I don't know, he met her at the supermarket.
He helped her pick out corn.
- Corn?
Huh, well, I'm not in any position to judge,
I once did a guy for a tank of gas.
(audience laughs)
- Truth is, you and I see each other every day
and we really don't know much about each other.
- So you wanna know what goes on underneath
this gruff exterior?
Whether somewhere inside me there's a tiny little girl
who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina?
- Is there?
- If there is, it's because I accidentally ate one
and haven't passed her yet.
(audience laughs)
Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara.
Do you still love her?
- Of course I do, I mean,
we've been through a lot of things together.
She's the mother of my son.
- Okay listen to me Zippy.
If that's all it took to make a marriage,
I have a husband for each one of my tattoos.
(audience laughs)
- You have tattoos?
- Yeah, you wanna see 'em?
- No, uh uh.
- Last chance to see those tattoos.
- [Alan] No thanks.
- I can make the roadrunner do jumping jacks!
- Alan, we're all here because we love you.
- And we don't wanna see you make a terrible mistake.
- I'm just waiting for my Toaster Strudel to pop.
(audience laughs)
There we go.
I need to talk to Charlie.
- I live here too, what's the problem?
- I'll wait.
- Well for God's sakes, pretend I'm Charlie.
Talk to me.
- Okay.
Hey, Charlie, I thought it over,
and if you want me to kill your brother,
I'll need the cash up front.
(audience laughs)
- Okay so she's not overly sophisticated.
- Sophisticated? She's two marbles
rolling around in a tin can.
- Hey, hey, she's got a great heart,
she's warm and loving, and she genuinely cares for me.
- I stand corrected.
One marble.
- Oh yum.
(audience laughs)
Who is that?
- He's a handy man. - Ooh nice.
Can we keep him, can we, can we?
- He's just here to fix the deck.
- Great, there's a lot of work that can be done
in here, too.
- Like what?
- Well, for starters, that cabinet door is coming
off its hinges.
- Really?
(audience laughs)
- Yeah it is.