>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY, WHEN WE CELEBRATE A GREAT LEADER
WHO LED A MARCH ON WASHINGTON THAT DIDN'T END WITH ME HAVING
TO LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE NAMED "Q-SHAMAN."
ON WEDNESDAY, JOE BIDEN WILL BE INAUGURATED AS THE 46TH
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
COME ON, BABY!
BUT AFTER THE SACKING OF THE U.S. CAPITOL, AUTHORITIES HAVE
CALLED IN 25,000 NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS.
SO, OFFICIALLY, THIS IS NOT A PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER,
AND THEY'VE HAD TO UPDATE THE SIGN HANGING IN AMERICA'S BREAK
ROOM TO THIS.
THE TROOPS HAVE SHUT DOWN FOUR MAJOR BRIDGES LEADING INTO
DOWNTOWN D.C., SET UP A FORTIFIED PERIMETER THAT
ENCOMPASSES THE CAPITOL, WHITE HOUSE AND PORTIONS OF DOWNTOWN,
AND CLOSED THE NATIONAL MALL.
CLOSED THE NATIONAL MALL!?
NOW WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUR NATIONAL WETZEL'S PRETZELS?
DEFENSE OFFICIALS ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT AN INSIDE ATTACK ON OUR
INCOMING LEADERS THAT THEY'VE ASKED THE F.B.I. TO VET ALL OF
THE 25,000 NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS COMING INTO WASHINGTON.
OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BUT I HAVE A BETTER IDEA: MAYBE
INVESTIGATE THEM BEFORE YOU GIVE THEM AUTOMATIC WEAPONS AND
HAVE THEM SLEEP OUTSIDE OF NANCY PELOSI'S OFFICE.
IT'S JUST A THOUGHT.
INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES ARE ALREADY PAYING OFF.
THIS WEEKED, LAW ENFORCEMENT ARRESTED A 22-YEAR-OLD VIRGINIA
MAN CARRYING A FIREARM AND A WOMAN CLAIMING TO BE A LAW
ENFORCEMENT OFFICER AND PART OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CABINET.
GET YOUR STORY STRAIGHT, LADY!
YOU CAN'T BE BOTH.
"YOU CAN'T DETAIN ME!
OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN BIG TROUBLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU
ARRESTED POLICE CHIEF SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR PRESIDENT JAMES
T. KIRK OF THE STAR SHIP 'ENTERPRISE.'
NOW, LET ME IN!" THE WOMAN'S RUSE WAS NOT VERY
THOUGHT-THROUGH.
WHEN ASKED TO PROVIDE CREDENTIALS, SHE TOOK OUT A
MILITARY POLICE CHALLENGE COIN.
ANYONE CAN HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
THEY JUST GIVE THEM OUT.
IT'S NOT A VALID FORM OF I.D.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE SHOWING UP AT A HOSPITAL AND SAYING, "I'M A
DOCTOR AND TO PROVE IT, HERE'S MY PRESCRIPTION FOR LIBRIUM, IT
HAS MY NAME ON IT AND EVERYTHING.
NOW, BEND OVER AND TRY TO RELAX."
AND WE'RE LEARNING JUST HOW DANGEROUS THE RIOT WAS THANKS TO
SOME NEW VIDEO POSTED THIS WEEKEND BY "THE NEW YORKER."
THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THEIR NEW CAPTION CONTEST: THE Q-ANON
SHAMAN WITH HIS DOG PSYCHIATRIST.
THE WINNER?
"YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL."
IN "THE NEW YORKER'S" VIDEO, THE BLOODLUST OF THE RIOTERS IS
PALPABLE.
>> TREASON!
TREASON!
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S NICE OF THEM TO BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE
THERE TO DO.
IT'S LIKE ME WALKING INTO A BARNES AND NOBLE SHOUTING, "TIME
TO PRETEND TO LOOK AT A FEW THINGS, THEN ASK TO USE THE
BATHROOM, BABY!" IN THE FOOTAGE, WE SEE THE MAGA
MOB ON THE SENATE FLOOR RIFLING THROUGH DOCUMENTS:
>> THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING IN HERE WE CAN ( BLEEP ) USE
AGAINST THESE SCRUM BAGS.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THERE IS SOMETHING WE CAN USE AGAINST
THESE SCUMBAGS.
IT'S THIS VIDEO, YOU SCUMBAGS.
AND THESE FELLOWS AREN'T EXACTLY THE SHARPEST HORNS ON THE
HEADDRESS.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY FOUND TED CRUZ'S BINDER.
>> THIS, HERE LOOK, HERE LOOK.
>> TED CRUZ'S OBJECTION TO THE ARIZONA--
>> HIS OBJECTION.
HE WAS GONNA SELL US OUT ALL ALONG.
>> REALLY?
WHAT?
>> LOOK.
OBJECTION TO COUNTING THE ELECTORAL VOTES OF THE STATE OF
ARIZONA.
>> CAN I GET A PHOTO OF THAT?
>> WAIT, NO, THAT'S A GOOD THING--
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
>> STEPHEN: THESE ARE THE DUMBEST PEOPLE TO ATTEMPT AN
INSURRECTION SINCE FAILED LINCOLN ASSASSIN, JOHN WILKES
DOOF.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY THESE GUYS ARE STUPID, BUT THEY CARRIED A
FLAG THAT READ, "SAY HELLO TO MY CAT."
YOU KNOW WHAT ALSO DOESN'T LOOK GOOD?
YOUR HEADGEAR.
IT'S PROOF THEY NEVER PLANNED ON BEING PEACEFUL, OR THAT THEIR
FONTANELLES NEVER CLOSED.
GENERALLY, YOU DON'T WEAR A HELMET UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED
FOR VIOLENCE.
IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN IF YOU GO ON A BLIND DATE AND GET A TEXT
THAT READS, "JUST GOT HERE, I'M SITTING AT THE BAR.
I'M THE GUY WEARING A HELMET."
SOURCES SAY THAT TOMORROW, ON HIS LAST FULL DAY IN OFFICE, THE
PRESIDENT IS PREPARED TO ISSUE AROUND 100 PARDONS AND
COMMUTATIONS.
WHY SO MANY?
WELL, THERE'S REPORTEDLY A LUCRATIVE MARKET FOR PARDONS.
FINALLY, POTUS IS RUNNING A BUSINESS THAT MAKES MONEY.
HE'S CALLING IT, "THE OLIVE PARDON."
WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE A CRIME FAMILY.
ON PARDON PEDDLER IS FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR AND REJECTED
WILSON BROTHER, BRETT TOLMAN.
TOLMAN HAS COLLECTED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO SEEK
CLEMENCY FOR A VARIETY OF CLIENTS, INCLUDING THE SON OF A
FORMER ARKANSAS SENATOR, THE FOUNDER OF THE ONLINE DRUG
MARKETPLACE SILK ROAD, AND A MANHATTAN SOCIALITE WHO PLEADED
GUILTY IN A FRAUD SCHEME.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT REQUEST.
"DEAR DADDY, PARDON PLEEEEEZ!
XO IVANKS."
BUT ONE GUY IS REALLY LOOKING FOR THE BIG BUCKS, AND NO
SURPRISE, IT'S PRESIDENTIAL LAWYER AND MAN OOZING WHAT HE
INSISTS IS JUST CHARM, RUDY GIULIANI.
ACCORDING TO AN EX-C.I.A. AGENT WHO IS SEEKING A PARDON FOR
DISCLOSING CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, HE MET WITH RUDY
AND HIS ASSOCIATES LAST YEAR.
WHEN RUDY WENT TO THE RESTROOM, ONE OF HIS HENCHMEN SAID THE
MAYOR COULD HELP, BUT "IT'S GOING TO COST $2 MILLION.
HE'S GOING TO WANT TWO MILLION BUCKS."
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
BUT, AS A LAWYER, RUDY'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.
IT'S THE DOLLARS I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT.
GIULIANI DENIES HE OR HIS ASSOCIATES EVER ASKED FOR $2
MILLION.
IN FACT, GIULIANI CLAIMS HE DOES NOT REMEMBER THE MEETING.
POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEIR MEETING INVOLVED SUBSTANTIAL ALCOHOL.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
IT'S THE END OF THE NIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT THE PARDON GOGGLES ON, NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU
DON'T REMEMBER WHOSE CONVICTION YOU FORGIVE.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, RUDY, PLEASE GRIFT RESPONSIBLY.
OF COURSE, THE LAST FEW DAYS OF ANY PRESIDENCY IS ALL ABOUT
CEMENTING YOUR LEGACY AND THANKING THOSE MEMBERS OF YOUR
ADMINISTRATION WHO WORKED HARDEST TO ENSURE YOUR PLACE IN
HISTORY.
SO, ON FRIDAY, HE MET WITH C.E.O. OF MYPILLOW, MIKE
LINDELL, SHOWN HERE WITH HIS DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS.
BUT IT WASN'T ALL PILLOW-TALK.
A SHARP-EYED CAMERAMAN CAUGHT A SNAPSHOT OF LINDELL'S NOTES,
WHICH INCLUDED TOPICS LIKE "MARTIAL LAW" AND "INSURRECTION
ACT."
HMM, SEEMS A LITTLE FASCIST-ADJACENT.
HE MIGHT HAVE TO REBRAND AS THE MEIN PILLOW GUY.
THERE'S MORE PROOF THAT LINDELL IS INTO THE MAGA CONSPIRACY
WORLD.
AS OF THIS WEEKEND, THE MYPILLOW WEBSITE WAS OFFERING DISCOUNTS
WITH THE PROMO CODE "QANON."
IT GETS YOU 45 BUCKS OFF A KING-SIZED EXTRA-FIRM, WHICH
MAKES PERFECT BODY ARMOR FOR THE NEXT INSURRECTION.
BUT AS BLEAK AS THE NEWS IS, THERE IS SOME HOPE ON THE
HORIZON.
HBO MAX JUST ANNOUNCED A REVIVAL OF "SEX AND THE CITY."
THANK GOD!
WE'LL FINALLY FIND OUT IF CARRIE FINDS LOVE WITH-- I WANT TO SAY
THE CITY?
OKAY, FULL DISCLOSURE: I DIDN'T CATCH EVERY EPISODE.
ACCORDING TO HBO, THE REVIVAL WILL FOLLOW THE S.A.T.C. GALS AS
THEY NAVIGATE THE COMPLICATED REALITY OF LIFE AND FRIENDSHIP
IN THEIR 50S, IN A TEN-EPISODE LIMITED SERIES TITLED "AND JUST
LIKE THAT."
WHICH, BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE OF BEING IN MY 50S, I ASSUME IS
SHORT FOR "AND JUST LIKE THAT, I CAN'T EAT CHEESE ANYMORE."
BUT THE BIG BOMBSHELL ABOUT THE REVIVAL IS THAT KIM CATTRALL
WILL NOT RETURN TO PLAY SAMANTHA JONES.
WHAT?!
BUT SHE'S SUCH A SAMANTHA!
LOOK AT ME, BEING SUCH A CHARLOTTE.
THIS IS DISTRESSING.
WHAT IS "SEX AND THE CITY" WITHOUT ITS MOST SEX-POSITIVE
CHARACTER?
SAMANTHA IS THE CHAOTIC GOOD THAT CARRIE, MIRANDA, AND
CHARLOTTE NEED TO PUSH THEIR OWN UPTIGHT BOUNDARIES.
THE SHOW NEEDS HER!
WE NEED HER!
AND HBO MAX KNOWS IT, SO THEY'VE FOUND A NEW SAMANTHA.
JIM?
>> IN NEW YORK CITY, EACH DAY IS A NEW ADVENTURE.
BUT ONE THING THAT NEVER CHANGES... IS FRIENDSHIP.
THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN.
CARRIE.
>> I'M DYING TO EAT ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T COME IN A TAKEOUT
BOX.
BOTTOM'S UP.
>> MIRANDA.
>> LET ME JUST CHECK MY WORK SCHEDULE.
YEAH, ALL CLEAR.
>> CHARLOTTE.
>> I CAN'T LOSE THE NANNY.
>> AND, OF COURSE, SAMANTHA.
>> I'M HOT, I'M HORNY, AND I'M DOING KEGELS UNDER THE TABLE!
I'M SAMANTHA!
>> THE GANG IS BACK... PRETTY MUCH.
>> LET'S TALK NIPPLES.
>> I'VE TRICKED MY BODY INTO THINKING IT'S THINNER.
SPANX.
>> REALLY.
HADN'T HEARD.
>> SO, I SAID: DING DONG!
IT'S SEX O'CLOCK.
AND I'M HALF PAST NAKED.
TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.
I'M SAMANTHA!
>> THE ROMANCE, THE EXCITEMENT, THE HEARTACHE, AND... THIS:
>> SOMETIMES I WISH I HAD MORE HOLES!
>> "AND JUST LIKE THAT" COMING SOON TO HBO MAX.
>> GIVE ME THE SEX!
I'M SAMANTHA!
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SENATOR CORY BOOKER.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, A FAREWELL MESSAGE FROM MELANIA
TRUMP.
STICK AROUND!
♪♪♪