- Like I used to judge parents
when you would ask how old their kid is
and they'd be like 19 1/2 months.
Bi, please don't make me do math.
Like, is that too, is that too...
(audience laughing)
I'm not your accountant.
I can't read these receipts right now.
(audience laughing)
(hip hop music)
- I have a girlfriend now myself
which is weird because I'm probably gay
based on the way I act and behave and
(audience laughing)
have walked and talked for 28 years.
(audience laughing)
I think I was supposed to be gay.
I think like in heaven they built like 3/4 of a gay person.
And then they forgot to flip the final switch
and they just sent me out.
And it was like, "You marked that one gay, right?"
And it was like, "Oh no, was I supposed to?"
And they were like, "Oh man.
Well, this will be a very interesting person.
(audience laughing)
This will be a very silly person."
(audience laughing)
I was definitely gay when I was a little boy.
(audience laughing)
A lot of little boys are gay, you know.
They're very flowy and they have hard opinions on things.
(audience laughing)
I don't mean that I was a sexually active gay man
when I was a little boy.
That's not what I mean.
When I was a little boy
I was more like a 67-year-old gay man
that's kind of over it sexually, you know.
I was just like an old queen.
I would come out to the recess yard
and be like, "Everyone get out of my way.
(audience laughing)
I just want to sit here and feed my birds."
(audience laughing)
The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball
and I'd be like, "You want me to do what?" (chuckles)
(audience laughing)
Real quick, this happened pretty recently.
I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village
and I was at the urinal
and an old gay man came in the bathroom
with a walker like this.
And he said this to me.
He went, "I'm either having a drink or I have to pee.
You're living the golden years, kid, not me."
Like he spoke in rhymes.
It was crazy.
(audience laughing)
It was such a weird interaction
that I wasn't sure if it actually happened.
(audience laughing)
I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend,
I was like, "Did you see like an old man follow me
in the bathroom?"
And she was like, "John, that bathroom's been closed
for 40 years."
Whoa!
(audience laughing)
Whoa!
(audience laughing)
Where was I?
I'm not gay but I might be and I have a girlfriend
and she's a female person.
(audience laughing)
It's going very well.
I love her very much.
And so a few months ago she was like,
"Okay, it's going well, so now I should meet your parents,"
because that's what people do
when a relationship is going well.
They meet each other's parents.
And I've never understood that.
I've never been with my girlfriend
and thought like, oh honey, tonight is going great.
But do you know what would make it perfect?
(audience laughing)
Charles and Ellen Mulaney.
(audience laughing)
Come on, let's get them in the mix.
(audience laughing)
We've been going pretty hot and heavy lately.
I think it's time we bring in two older Catholic people.
(audience laughing)
My girlfriend's a female,
and then I had all these friends that are female.
So when I started dating her
I was like oh great, they'll all get along.
No.
(audience laughing)
Not even a little at the beginning.
- I used to um,
I used to judge parents so much.
Like you can't judge people
until you are really in them shoes.
You know what I mean?
I'm like I'm not gonna do it like that.
I'ma do it like, I'ma be cool and do it like this.
And then you're a parent and you're like oh fuck.
(audience laughing)
Help me.
(audience laughing)
Like I used to judge parents when you would ask
how old their kid is and they'd be like 19 1/2 months.
Bi, please don't make me do math.
Like, is that two?
Is that two?
(audience laughing)
I'm not your accountant.
I can't read these receipts right now.
(audience laughing)
But I realize parents do that shit
because it's truly the last night
they had a good night's rest.
(audience laughing)
Real talk!
If you out, you see a cute baby,
you ask the parent how old's your baby
and they'd be like eight months and four days.
(audience laughing)
So happy.
(audience laughing)
You give that new parent a hug.
You give them a joint, buy them a pickleback.
I don't give a shit.
Be nice to them.
(audience laughing)
I used to judge parents too actually
that do that third person sing-songy shit in front of you.
Oh my god, you ever been out and see a dad just do
like a one-person show in front of you with their kid?
Daddy wants to put your jacket on.
Could Daddy put your jacket on?
(audience laughing)
Daddy wants to put the jacket.
Put the jacket on, Daddy.
(audience laughing)
It's March, we need a jacket.
Put the jacket on.
(audience laughing)
Oh my god.
These moms out here doing this sing-songy shit
like they a waitress.
What do you want to eat?
(audience laughing)
Mommy want to get you something to eat.
What do you want?
Mommy want to get you some.
Get the kid something to eat.
(audience laughing)
The kid want food.
(audience laughing)
Oh my god, Mommy want to get you a cookie.
What kind of cookie do you want?
It ain't British Bake-Off, bitch.
(audience laughing)
Give the kid a cookie.
(audience laughing)
But I'm realizing now you do that sing-songy shit
because you can't rush your kids, you know.
They don't understand what it's like being late.
(audience laughing)
They don't, we can't rush our kids.
If we rush them, they're gonna be all anxious
and we're just gonna have a world full of Larry Davids.
Who wants that?
(audience laughing)
Not me, sis.
(audience laughing)
Nobody wants that.
And I just fell into that singy-songy shit.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
I came home one night
and I was like, "Oh, baby girl!
Daddy didn't change your diaper.
(audience laughing)
So Mommy gonna change your diaper.
Mommy gonna change your diaper.
Mommy gonna change, Mommy gonna change,
Mommy gonna change your diaper.
Mommy gonna change
your
dia
(audience laughing)
per.
(audience laughing)
'Cause who rules the world?
Girls!"
(audience clapping and cheering)
- It would have been weird if you didn't clap, I guess.
(audience laughing)
If I walked out and you're like, hmm, well, let's see.
(audience laughing)
Let's see how fat this bastard got.
(audience laughing)
And the answer is fatter.
(audience laughing)
I gave up a long time ago.
Now it's like it's happening to someone else.
Oh, someone should do something.
I feel like I'm witnessing a forest fire.
(audience laughing)
I hope they can contain it.
(audience laughing)
Change the channel.
(audience laughing)
This is real.
This isn't a prostetic.
(audience laughing)
I did it myself.
It's organic.
(audience laughing)
I am a fat guy.
There's indications.
I've caught myself unconsciously covering my stomach
with my arm.
That's a total fat guy move.
(audience laughing)
No, I'm thin.
(audience laughing)
Can't see my belly.
Fat, thin.
(audience laughing)
Maybe I hope people will look at me
and think is he holding a baby?
(audience laughing)
Oh, he's thin and nurturing.
(audience laughing)
What a fella!
(audience laughing)
I know these pants are tight.
That's a little gift for the ladies.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
And some of the fellas.
(audience laughing)
Can't control who I turn on at this point.
(audience laughing)
These pants are tight
but after I wear them for a week, they'll look fine.
(audience laughing)
That's my approach with clothing.
Eventually the clothes go, "All right, I'll adjust.
(audience laughing)
You can get bigger pants or I could just stretch out,
whatever works for you, Jim."
(audience laughing)
By the way, this shirt when it's untucked goes down
to like here.
(audience laughing)
It's frightening. It's so long.
I look at it on my bed.
I'm like, "Is that my shirt or a sleeping bag?"
(audience laughing)
It's huge.
But then when I put it on I'm like it's a little tight.
(audience laughing)
What, am I going rollerblading?
(audience laughing)
But I don't care.
Did that sound believable?
(audience laughing)
'Cause that's our go-to, right,
when there's something we can't control?
We just act like we wouldn't want it anyway.
I don't care.
Who'd want to be thin?
(audience laughing)
Who'd want to look healthy and attractive?
(audience laughing)
Everyone.
(audience laughing)
Not me, I'd rather look like a marshmallow with a wig on.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I have a new belt
'cause my old belt looked like it was tortured
on "Game of Thrones."
(audience laughing)
I don't know what happened to it.
I think it's 'cause I don't like to give up
on the belt hole.
I'm like we're still good.
(audience laughing)
My poor belt was like, "I could have been
a watch band for David Beckham!"
(audience laughing)
But a belt for a fat guy serves a different purpose.
A thin person wears a belt to hold up their pants.
These pants aren't going anywhere.
(audience laughing)
A fat guy just wears a belt as a distraction,
(audience laughing)
distracting from the fact that this is all the same surface.
(audience laughing)
It's just a mini equator
(audience laughing)
separating the northern hemisphere from the southern blob.
(audience laughing)
(hip hop music)