You've seen good board game movies like Clue
"♪I am, your singing telegram♪"
"BANG!"
And, uh...
Well, I guess that's about it
Now, get ready for a movie with more scares than Ouija
More quality than Dungeons & Dragons, and about a thousand times more logic than Battleship.
"Majala, motherf-"
"Huh?"
Jumanji
Before you catch Step 16 of The Rock's 25 point plan to rule the world,
revisit the children's classic that's way too scary for children
And scariest of all, doesn't give Robin Williams anything funny to say!
"What happened to you, the Clamperts had a yard sale?"
Ha, ha...
As this guy in a weird green costume makes peace with the death of his childhood.
"Wonder if Mrs. Niedelmeyer is still teaching sixth grade"
In other words, Hook in reverse
Get ready to play Jumanji
The vaguely African board game that's ruined at least three generations of kids lives.
Where all you have to do is roll the dice, then read a slight variation on 'move your ass'
"You better run"
"Your party better move"
"Staying put would be a blunder"
Stampede.
Guys, stampede!
How many times does this have to happen before you automatically start running?
"Run!"
Finally, geez!
Meet Alan Parrish, a boy who was sucked into a board game
only to emerge as a confused and hairy Robin Williams
er
hairiER Robin Williams
Now, along with his traumatized playmate Sara
And two super unlucky orphans
They'll do whatever it takes to finish the game they started 26 years ago.
Just as soon as they finish talking about having to finish the game they started 26 years ago!
"We're gonna finish it"
"We're gonna finish that game."
"If we finish the game, it'll all go away."
"But if we finish the game it'll all go away"
Any time, guys.
"Listen. I know you're upset and all, but I kind of feel we should finish the game"
Forget about lions and spiders and vines, 'cause you're about to be hunted by more serious stuff, like...
Unresolved childhood issues!
"Last time I played this game, it ruined my life."
Bullying.
Literal death.
"I... wish mom and dad were here."
Fears about your own inadequacy that manifest as mass shooters
"You miserable coward!"
"Come back and fight me like a man!"
And tons of PTSD
"Then something screams..."
"Then you hear them eating..."
"And you hope to god that you're not desert"
Wow this is so much darker than I remembered
"Our parents are dead too"
Watch romance bloom between Bonnie Hunt and Robin Williams
Just don't think too hard about it
Because she's an adult and he's still mentally a child
"It's me! It's me Alan, mom and dad!"
And thrill at the happy ending where all the damage is reversed
But definitely don't think too hard about that
'cause 26 years of life on earth got erased because some kids finally beat a game
You know I kind of like my life, but cool very happy for you, Bonnie
So strap in for a film that finally cracked the code for being a good movie about a game
Base it on a made-up game from a book
Fill it with characters you actually care about
And always cast Robin Williams
Man, I miss that guy.
*gun shots*
"Don't move, or I'll blow your blinking brains out!"
"Those are my keys, those are my keys!"
"You'll have to fill out these"
"Or I could fill these out!"
What ever happened to the helpful kind hobo trope?
We should bring that one back.
"Here, you're gonna freeze out there."
Awwww.
*reading comments*