(Sneezes)
Alhumdullillah.
- (Sneezes) - Alhumdullillah.
Bless you.
Bless you, too.
No, nope, don’t do that.
Don’t do that. Don’t do that.
Don’t do that.
And this is how the virus spreads.
Hey, it’s Hasan.
I hope you’re safe. I hope you’re well.
I hope you’re with your family, and I hope you’re in good spirits
wherever you are in the world.
I wanted to check in with you guys because, as promised,
I wanted to put out some videos.
I miss seeing everybody at the show.
I miss seeing my friends.
I miss the creative routine.
So, as promised,
I wanted to put out some more digital content with you guys
to show you guys how I’ve been living, what’s been going on with me.
And that’s why we have put together this brand new series–
it’s just like what you’ve experienced before,
but a little bit different,
given the circumstances.
This is–
play the music.
(Theme song)
Hasan
From A Distance.
Let’s begin.
(Theme song)
Welcome to our kitchen.
We’re gonna play a quick game. Beena, you’re the contestant.
It’s called, Is This Ranch, Or Is This Masala.
Ranch or masala?
(Ranch.)
This is masala. This is open.
Your mom put masala in this.
Is this ranch or is this masala?
(Masala.)
Wrong.
Oh, snap. No, it’s not.
Masala. You’re right.
Ranch or Masala?
(Masala.)
Yes.
Why in God’s name do we own these?
(Flavor.)
No.
Silver lining to the quarantine,
getting to share a meal with a loved one.
Babe, we rarely get to have lunch together.
Today, I’m gonna make you some lunch. Is that cool?
(Sure.)
Alright. Today, I’m gonna make you my specialty.
Peanut butter and jelly.
Start with some bread,
right?
Two pieces of wheat bread.
We got peanut butter and jelly.
Alright. We’ll start off on this.
And put peanut butter on one side– is that cool with you?
Yeah? Okay.
Spread it on.
Just keep it thicc. Two Cs.
Alright, there you go. Like that.
All the way to the edges. I’m not gonna,
you know what I mean, cut corners. Make sure every bite
per square inch has peanut butter on it.
You have some left over here. Now, normally, I would– eh– lick it.
I’m not gonna do that because you’re recording.
So, I’m gonna hygienically wipe.
Wipe.
Let’s go with the jelly.
It’s almost done.
We did not look before.
Okay. Spread, spread, spread.
And spread it.
And you are...
here.
Okay.
People make fun of my knife skills,
but...
(What are you doing?)
I’m making a heart.
Who said romance is dead?
You ready?
Yes.
Okay. Welcome to Hasan’s Book Club where
I tell you about my favorite books.
They’re not really my favorite books. I have no free time now, so
these are the books that I have to read to my two-year-old daughter.
Our first book is called, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.
This is about a mouse that breaks into a house and literally takes
everything from a poor boy.
To me, this story is indicative of unchecked capitalism.
You have a vagrant mouse that comes in from the outside.
It has
really
no checks or balances on itself.
And it takes, and it takes,
and it takes, and completely destroys the system,
literally until he comes full circle, asks for a bailout...
and then, at the very end, on top of it,
after it’s destroyed everything,
wants more milk and cookies.
This book is called, The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.
It’s about human beings, when given any opportunity, destroy
literally everything around them.
Yeah, I’d be upset too. Look,
this boy is given an apple tree and literally until the day he dies,
he destroys the tree until he’s just an old man sitting on a stump
left with nothing.
This is also, probably,
Shel Silverstein’s magnum opus,
and this was the picture they chose to put on the back
What do you think of that?
Just a photo of him looking directly at the sun.
This book is called, There’s a Bear in My Chair.
Once again, a consistent theme that I’ve found in children’s stories is,
animals pretty much don’t follow the rules.
Oh, great. You want to watch— this is The Snowy Day by
Ezra Jack Keats.
Really great story.
This is about a little boy who wears
a really super cute red hoodie,
experiences his first snow.
Look at that!
So happy.
It’s snowing.
He slides down. Look at that!
He’s experiencing everything. He wakes up. Wow, it’s snowing.
Oh my God, there’s so much snow outside. Look at that!
I’m putting my little footprints in the snow. Great!
Look, I can even drag a little stick.
I can use a stick to hit a tree.
Down comes the snow. It plops on my head.
I keep marching along. I’m enjoying the day.
And then look, a bunch of big kids throw snowballs at me.
So, what are you doing these days in terms of, just like, self care.
Now that COVID has run rampant and, you know, days don’t really
have any structure, organization– what do you do–
Who did that?
Do you feel like now, given China’s relationship–
Okay– sometimes– which one do you want?
Let me ask you this. Gi–
yeah? Okay.
Hey, guys. Welcome to a very special edition of Deep Cuts
with my newborn son.
I’m burping him right now. So,
if he passes gas, please forgive him.
Let’s get into it.
(Alright.)
I think this would be so hilarious, but if this entire COVID situation
made us finally get free healthcare for everybody in this country,
I think that would be incredible and amazing.
I also think it’s really funny that Republicans are now calling for
social welfare programs.
(Alright.)
Dude, we told you guys about the cruise ship industry.
Everybody was giving us flack when we first put out the episode.
They’re like, “No, I like going on cruises” and I’m like,
“I’m telling you. They’re floating petri dishes.”
And now that we’ve crossed the rubicon and we’re in this
post COVID world,
we all see
how
terrifying cruises are.
Now, with the bail out situation, I...
I hope that
it’s not just the CEOs that get the money from this. I hope that all
the employees and the people that work on these cruise ships
see a significant payday from this entire situation.
(Alright.)
That question is trying to get me caught up.
Because you guys know that
when Galileo told people that the Earth revolves around the sun,
they threw him in prison, right?
So, what I would do, is I would
lay low.
I wouldn’t try to make a scene.
I would just try to observe what everybody is doing.
But if I really wanted wanted to terrify them,
I would tell them about the internet.
I’d be like, “Hey, there’s this place where,
you know, like how you guys have the news?” They’d be like,
“What’s the news?” And I’m like, “You know how you guys, like,
tell each other through oral tradition what’s happening in the world?”
They’d be like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
I’d be like, “Imagine there’s a place
where
everybody’s talking about the news, but it never ends.”
They’d be like, “What’s that place called?”
And I’d be like, “Twitter.”
And they’d be like, “That place sounds like hell.”
I’m like, “Yeah, I know. It is.”
First of all, thank you so much for showing our show
in your classroom.
It’s pretty amazing how many teachers have told me they
play episodes of Patriot Act in their classroom. And first of all,
look, teachers, I know you guys deserve so much more in terms of
resources and pay.
But come on, you can’t just be showing
episodes of the show like you’re a substitute teacher.
If you’re full-time faculty, you gotta bring it.
You can’t just be rolling in that little cart and then just play episodes
Patriot Act.
But in regards to your question,
I would say...
Look, students are stressing out right now.
I went through that, too, as a super kind of ambitious kid
that was trying to
go to med school. We all saw how that played out.
This actually came from a teacher.
I remember getting a B and we would actually have to take
report cards home.
And I told my teacher when he gave it to me,
I was like, “I can’t,
I can’t bring this home.”
And he’s like, “Hey man, like, a B is okay. A B means
you did pretty good.”
And I was like, “Yeah,
I just can’t bring this home.
Like, it will be the end of me. I will not come to school tomorrow
if I bring this home.” And he was like, “You are who you are.”
And at the time, I took that as an insult, but,
it is true, man. Like,
you can’t let these things
break you. Do your best.
Really study. Like, actually give it a good, concerted effort, but
let the chips fall where they may. Everybody can’t be a doctor.
You know? Like...
yeah.
(That’s awful advice.)
What do you mean?
(Alright.)
Alright. Living in New York City, I used to make fun of Times Square
so much.
I
can’t wait to go back to Times Square. I used to make fun of
the crowds. I used to make fun of the M&M Store.
I used to make fun of that, like, weird Elmo.
I miss weird ass Elmo
and I miss the crowds and I miss the M&M Store and I’m
dying to go back.
(Alright.)
Uh,
number one, spend time with family.
Number two,
watch
Hallmark movies with Beena.
And number three,
FaceTime friends that you haven’t had a chance to talk to in a
long time.
(Alright.)
I had to trim the beard because, unlike other late night hosts,
I can’t just let it go wild. Otherwise, I’ll end up on a watch list.
In terms of the hair, look, we’re social distancing, so it’s getting long.
You know– the sides aren’t as tight as they used to be. So,
it’s just gonna get long until we can get back into society.
- (Alright.) - Yep.
Uh, I did. That’s why I’m wearing these.
Indoor Uggs, baby.