WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS--
IT IS-- TODAY, CHECK YOUR CALENDARS.
IT IS MARCH 15th, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE IDES OF MARCH, AND
I INVITE THE RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS IN PUTIN'S INNER CIRCLE TO
CELEBRATE THE DAY IN WHATEVER WAY SEEMS MOST APPROPRIATE.
( CHEERS AND APLAUSE )
WHAT IT IS.
JUST TAKE A STAB AT IT.
( LAUGHTER )
MONSTROUS FOR UKRAINE, BUT IT'S ALSO NOT GOING SO GREAT FOR
RUSSIA.
ALMOST ALL OF THE RUSSIAN ADVANCES IN UKRAINE REMAIN
STALLED.
IN FACT, U.S. INTELLIGENC
YES, I AGREE, I AGREE.
WHY NOT?
LET US CELEBRATE WHILE WE CAN.
IN FACT, U.S. INTELLIGENCE ACTUALLY INTERCEPTED THE LATEST
PROGRESS REPORT FROM THE RUSSIAN MILITARY:
AND... THE INVASION IS BUFFERING.
IT'S BUFFERING.
TOUGH-- TOUGH TO GET A SIGNAL OUT THERE.
THE RUSSIANS ARE BOGGED DOWN PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE,
INCLUDING THE INFAMOUS CONVOY NORTH OF KYIV, WHICH DID NOT
APPRECIABLY PROGRESS OVER THE WEEKEND.
OH, THAT'S GOTTA MAK TRAFFIC HELL:
( AS TRAFFIC REPORTER )
BACKWARDS ONES.
TANKS ARE BUMPER-TO-CANNON ON ROAD TO KYIV.
DRIVERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO SURRENDER.
NOW, FOR WEATHER, WE GO TO CLOUDY OLEK, WITH THE FIVE-DAY
GRAY-CAST."
( LAUGHTER )
DID THAT SOUND LIKE-- CHOPPER.
>> Jon: SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
HEY RUSSIA'S MILITARY FAILURES HAVE
INSPIRED HOPE FOR PEACE WITHIN THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT.
ONE ADVISOR TO ZELENSKYY SAYS THE WAR COULD BE OVER BY MAY.
JUST IN TIME FOR SUMMER.
AND ZELENSKYY'S BODY IS BEACH READY, BABY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THING IS, THAT'S NOT A PHOTOSHOP.
AND I'M NOT SURPRISED A PRESIDENT LOOKS LIKE THAT.
I'M SURPRISED A COMEDIAN LOOKS LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
FRANKLY, I FIND IT OFFENSIVE!
ONE OF THE MORE BRUTAL TACTICS RUSSIA HAS EMPLOYED IN UKRAINE
IS ABDUCTING AT LEAST TWO MAYORS TO INSTALL PRO-RUSSIAN
REPLACEMENTS.
BUT THAT DOESN'T SCARE KYIV MAYOR AND FORMER BOXER, VITALI
KLITSCHKO.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF THE RUSSIANS TRY TO KIDNAP YOU?
>> I AM READY TO FIGHT.
THIS WILL BE NOT EASY TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: DAMN STRAIGHT.
THAT GUY--
THAT GUY-- YOU KNOW WHO WHO WAS?
YOU KNOW WHO ?
THAT GUY WAS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BRING HIM IN.
PLUS, MAYORS ALL HAVE THOSE GIANT SCISSORS FOR CUTTIN'
RIBBONS!
THERE ISN'T A PRISON DOOR THAT CAN HOLD HIM!
WE'RE GOING, FOLLOW ME!
IN FACT, THERE HASN'T BEEN A MAYOR THIS TOUGH SINCE FORMER
CAN UFC CHAMP ROGER McCHEESE.
ONE TOWN WHOSE MAYOR HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A PRO-RUSSIAN PUPPET
IS MELITOPOL, AND THE NEW NOT-REALLY-MAYOR THERE TOLD
RESIDENTS THAT RUSSIAN STATE TELEVISION CHANNELS WOULD NOW BE
BROADCAST IN MELITOPOL, SO PEOPLE COULD GET ACCURATE
INFORMATION.
YES, THEY'LL BE TREATED TO ACCURATE RUSSIAN STORIES LIKE:
"DESPITE HOW YOU FEEL, YOU ARE HAPPY."
( LAUGHTER )
RUSSIAN STATE CHILDREN'S PROGRAM, PEPPA POTATO.
WE ALL KNOW HER CATCHPHRASE, SAY IT WITH ME:
>> Audience: IT'S POTATO!
>> Stephen: EVERYONE KNOWS IT.
EVERYBODY LOVES THAT ONE.
>> Jon: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
"IT'S POTATO."
>> Stephen: THE WORLD CONTINUES TO RALLY AROUND UKRAINE.
TODAY, LEADERS FROM POLAND, THE CZECH REPUBLIC, AND SLOVENIA
TRAVELED TO KYIV TO EXPRESS SOLIDARITY.
WOW, THAT IS SUPER BRAVE.
PROBABLY NOT THE EASIEST TRIP TO PACK FOR, THOUGH:
"HONEY, WHICH SHIRT DO YOU THINK GOES BEST WITH MY BLACK FLACK
JACKET?
ALSO, DO WE HAVE ANY TRAVEL-SIZE MOLOTOV COCKTAILS?
THEY HAVE TO BE LESS THAN THREE OUNCES."
NOW, OF COURSE, BECAUSE OF THE CONFLICT, THE LEADERS COULDN'T
FLY.
INSTEAD, THEY SET OUT FOR KYIV BY TRAIN.
WOW, THE TRAINS ARE STILL RUNNING THERE?"
EUROPEAN TRAIN SERVICE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OURS.
THE ONLY WAR ZONE YOU SEE ON AMTRAK IS THE BATHROOM.
( LAUGHTER )
STATE MEDIA ARE BEGINNING TO SIDE AGAINST THE WAR.
CHECK OUT WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY ON RUSSIAN STATE TV
NEWS: >> Stephen: THAT IS INCREDIBLY
BRAVE AND INSPIRING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NOT AN EASY CHOICE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE STAND UP TO A LYING AUTOCRAT LIKE THAT
SINCE TUCKER CARLSON WAS PROTESTED BY THE GREEN M&M.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THE WOMAN-- STAND STRONG.
NOW, THE WOMAN WAS MARINA MARINA OVSYANNIKOVA, AND HER SIGN SAID,
"NO WAR," AND THEN IN RUSSIAN: "DON'T BELIEVE THE PROPAGANDA.
THEY'RE LYING TO YOU HERE."
THAT IS A FANTASTIC SIGN, AND A BRAVE STATEMENT.
WHO DOES THAT?
I ONLY HAVE ONE-- I ONLY HAVE ONE BONE TO PICK-- "THEY'RE
LYING TO YOU HERE" IS ALREADY THE MOAT OF crypto.com.
OVSYANNIKOVA IS AN EDITOR AND A PRODUCER ON RUSSIAN STATE TV.
OH, TRUST ME.
AS SOMEONE WHO WORKS ON TV, YOU DO NOT WANT TO PISS OFF THE
EDITORS.
THEY'RE THE ONES WHO FIX ALL THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE DURING
TAPINGS.
OR SO I'VE HEARD.
( LAUGHTER )
OVSYANNIKOVA PUT ON HER POSTER IS SO ILLEGAL IN RUSSIA, THAT
WHEN A LOCAL NEWSPAPER REPORTED ON THE STORY, THEY HAD TO BLUR
EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE LINE "DON'T BELIEVE THE PROPAGANDA."
SO THEY CAN'T SAY "WAR."
WHAT ARE THEY TELLING PEOPLE THE STORY IS ABOUT?
WAS THE HEADLINE, "NON-PROTESTER LEARNS TO SPELL PROPAGANDA"?
AFTER HER BRAVE PROTEST, OVSYANNIKOVA WASN'T SEEN FOR
HOURS, AND PEOPLE WERE WORRIED.
THANKFULLY, THIS MORNING, HER LAWYER SHARED A PHOTO OF HER IN
COURT.
AND ACCORDING TO "THE WASHINGTON POST," THE
KREMLIN ISN'T LOOKING TO PUNISH HER AND DISMISSED HER ACTIONS AS
"HOOLIGANISM," AND SAID THE TELEVISION CHANNEL, NOT THE
KREMLIN, WAS "DEALING WITH THIS."
WHICH ISN'T GREAT, EITHER.
REMEMBER, THE TELEVISION CHANNEL CAN TRANSFER HER TO A DIFFERENT
SHOW, LIKE THE RUSSIAN EQUIVALENT OF "SHARK TANK,"
WHICH IS A TANK OF SHARKS.
( LAUGHTER )
ORGANIZING AN ILLEGAL PROTEST AND FINED 30,000 RUBLES.
TO WHICH SHE SAID: "OH, THANK GOD.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK FOR MONEY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HER COURAGE--
IN.
♪ ♪ ♪ HER COURAGE HAS BEEN ADMIRED ALL
AROUND THE WORLD, INCLUDING BY UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT ZELENSKYY,
WHO THANKED HER DURING AN ADDRESS TO HIS PEOPLE LAST
NIGHT.
>> (translated): I AM GRATEFUL TO THOSE RUSSIANS WHO DO NOT
STOP TRYING TO CONVEY THE TRUTH.
AND PERSONALLY TO THE WOMAN WHO ENTERED THE STUDIO OF CHANNEL
ONE WITH A POSTER AGAINST THE WAR.
TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT AFRAID TO PROTEST, AS LONG AS YOUR COUNTRY
HAS NOT COMPLETELY CLOSED ITSELF OFF FROM THE WHOLE WORLD,
TURNING INTO A VERY LARGE NORTH KOREA, YOU MUST FIGHT.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
RUSSIA IS BECOMING SO ISOLATED, IT'S ABOUT TO BE A NEW NORTH
KOREA.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL BE VLADIMIR PUT-UN.
IT'S NOT A BAD LOOK.
THE REPERCUSSIONS OF PUTIN'S WAR HAVE EVEN REACHED SPACE, BECAUSE
U.S. ASTRONAUT MARK VANDE HEI, WHO HAS JUST SET A NEW RECORD BY
LIVING ON THE I.S.S. FOR ALMOST A YEAR, WILL NOW BE RIDING A
RUSSIAN CAPSULE HOME IN THE MIDST OF DEEPENING TENSIONS
BETWEEN OUR COUNTRIES.
THAT IS GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD RIDE:
"HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT LACK OF WEATHER UP HERE IN SPACE?
SEEN ANY GOOD MOVIES LATELY?
I WAS JUST WATCHING THE 'HUNT FOR RED OCTOB-UH.'
LET'S PLAY A GAME!
'EYE SPY, WITH MY LITTLE'-- I'M NOT A SPY!
I'M NOT A SPY!" VANDE HEI HAS REASON TO BE
NERVOUS.
RUSSIA'S SPACE AGENCY HASN'T EXACTLY BEEN CHILL SINCE
THE WAR STARTED.
THEY ARE LED BY RUSSIAN HARDLINER AND WINTERIZED HAM
HOCK, DMITRY ROGOZIN.
ROGOZIN RECENTLY POSTED A SERIES OF THREATENING TWEETS ABOUT HOW,
WITHOUT RUSSIA, THE I.S.S. COULD COME CRASHING DOWN ON THE U.S.,
EUROPE, INDIA, OR CHINA.
THAT'S MOST OF THE CONTINENTS!
NOT A VERY PRECISE EVIL PLAN.
"BWA-HA-HA.
EVERYTHING IS IN PLACE TO BLOW UP THE HOSPITAL, BATMAN!
OR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
OR THE IHOP OFF OF I-95.
OR MY HOUSE!
SPIDER DOING PUSHUPS ON A MIRROR."
THAT WASN'T ROGOZIN'S ONLY THREAT.
IN RESPONSE TO AMERICAN SANCTIONS, HE ANNOUNCED RUSSIA
WOULD STOP THE SALE OF ROCKETS TO THE U.S., SAYING:
"LET THEM FLY ON SOMETHING ELSE, THEIR BROOMSTICKS."
THEY DON'T HAVE BROOMSTICKS ON THE I.S.S.!
ALL THEY HAVE IS A VACCUM, AND THEY HAVE TO POOP INTO IT!
( LAUGHTER )
TESLA FOUNDER ELON MUSK, SEEN HERE ASKING YOU TO GUESS IF THE
NEXT THING HE DOES WILL BE COOL OR EMBARRASSING.
( LAUGHTER )
SPACE-X, AND AT LAST WEEK'S ROCKET LAUNCH, MUSK'S TEAM HIT
BACK AT THE RUSSKIES, SAYING, "TIME TO LET THE AMERICAN
BROOMSTICK FLY!" TAKE THAT, RUSSIA!
WE DON'T NEED YOU!
WE JUST NEED HELP FROM A WACK-A-DOO BILLIONAIRE WHO
SHOOTS SPORTS CARS INTO HIGH ORBIT AND THINKS IMAGINARY DOG
MONEY SHOULD LIVE IN THE CLOUD.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL CLEAN THAT UP.
( APPLAUSE )
HE IMMEDIATELY HAD TO GET THE DOO ALL WACKY, TWEETING, "I
HEREBY CHALLENGE VLADIMIR PUTIN TO SINGLE COMBAT.
STAKES ARE UKRAINE."
COME ON, ELON.
YOU MIGHT BE THE RICHEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED, BUT YOU CAN'T GO
CHALLENGING EVIL DICTATORS TO FIST FIGHTS.
YOU'RE A FATHER NOW.
YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOUR KIDS!
I WANT TO SAY, LITTLE SKRILLEX AND HIS SISTER,
CTRL-AT-DELETE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ANNE HATHAWAY AND DA'VINE JOY RANDOLPH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MARRIAGES ARE MOVING TO THE METAVERSE.
♪ ♪ ♪