-I usually write out my thank you notes,
but I was just so busy today. -Really?
So I wonder if I could do it right now.
Is that all right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Kamal -- Kamal Gray, can I get some
thank-you note writing music, please?
-Woah.
-Giving James a run for his money.
-He's doing the James a tune. Yeah, man.
He actually sounds better than anything James ever did.
[ Laughter ]
This might be a permanent change.
-What? -Yeah.
He's now -- you're new name is James.
[ Laughter ]
Permanent James.
-Permanent James.
-Thank you, Joe Biden, for being the 20th Democrat
to announce their running for president.
You know what they say.
If at first you don't succeed,
wait 20 years, get elected Vice President,
miss your actual opportunity, then try again.
They always say that.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You got 20 in 2020.
-Yeah.
20, 2020 has done it again. -Yeah, yeah.
-♪ It feels good, yeah ♪
♪ It feels good ♪
-♪ 2020 20 has done it again ♪
Thank you, White House Easter bunny,
for looking like you're halfway through getting the sex talk.
[ Laughter ] -Oh.
Woah.
-Easter bunny.
-Thank you "Avengers: Endgame" poster for letting me know that
something is exciting is happening
in the top left part of the movie.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Weird.
-Stay away from that top left is where all the action is.
-Yeah. -Something's happening up there.
-Something nuts. -Something crazy.
-Poster.
-Thank you allergy medicines for always looking like
you were named by someone trying to get rid of
leftover scrabble tiles.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ask your doctor about Zinvinal.
-Zyrtec.
-Zeton.
-We're from the planet Zyrtec.
-Quirtiz.
Quirz.
Quirtz. -Quirtz.
Quirtz. [ Laughter ]
Oh, man. Achoo.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you one wheel scooters, for combining the cutting edge
technology of a segway with the timelessly cool look
of riding a unicycle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Man, I'm just vapin' ridin' my one wheeled scooter.
-Thank you movie theaters that are staying open 24 hours
for letting "Avengers" fans
catch the biggest movie of the year
and one really weird guy to watch "Dumbo" at 3:00 A.M.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ticket for one, please?
-Thank you ping pong, for being 10% playing ping pong
and 90% trying to get the ball from under the couch.
Man, we don't have any --
We don't have any balls left. [ Pop ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Pop ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Pops twice ]
[ Fart noise ] All right.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you people who say, "long story short"
for never actually doing that.
There you are, everybody. those are my thank-you notes.