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attention a fire has been detected in
the building please evacuate immediately
do not use the elevators take the stairs
I don't even know if this is real I
don't know what's going on but then the
guy keeps the mic keyed open you hear a
woman in the background go
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welcome to is not happening everybody so
here's the show it's just a bunch of
funny people we're all telling true
stories ladies and gentlemen my friend
and yours mr. Joe Rogan everybody so
I've done a lot of traveling doing
stand-up comedy one of the weird things
about traveling is sometimes you have to
stay in hotels most of the time all the
time forget what I said earlier all the
time and most of the time it's
uneventful but I was in a hotel fire
once and it's something you never think
about you hear about occasionally in the
news but when it happens it's a real
freak out it's in the middle of the
night we got to bed about two o'clock in
the morning at about 4:30 and I hear and
I jump up and I grab the alarm clock and
I truck what button do I have to push to
stop this I'm thinking I'm gonna wake up
every person in this hotel I
can't believe how loud I have this it
didn't make any sense
I'm delirious I don't know what's going
on I mean that weird dream state and I
hear attention a fires been detected in
the building please evacuate immediately
do not use the elevators take the stairs
I don't even know if this is real it
doesn't make sense I don't know if it's
recording I don't know what's going on
but then the guy keeps the mic keyed
open and you hear a woman in the
background going
and I'm in my underwear something like
okay what do I need I need clothes my
laptop I grab my and I'm thinking
I'm on the 15th floor alright it's an
old-ass hotel we're in the Cliff Hotel
in San Francisco
it's Joey Diaz Tom Segura and me okay I
don't know what room they're in but you
know I know we're all on the same floor
somewhere so I'm looking for them and
it's a real mind I'm on the 15th
floor I'm like 15 foot stairs how long
sigh I'm going through my head how fast
can I run and I didn't think about the
other people in the hotel there
is a river of sleepy travelers that I
hit when I opened my door Mike oh no you
Fox you mother aren't urgent
there's no urgency and your movements
there's a thin veil of civilization that
goes on when you're in a real natural
emergency because it's it's a
freak out we get to the stairwell San
Francisco is an old city and they have
these really old hotels that were
designed when people were tiny they
didn't get any food they were these
little tiny people so I'm not a big guy
but I get into this stairwell and I'm
like this is ridiculous
and it's one of those things they don't
do anymore where you can see the whole
way down so as you're going down you
could see everybody below you and
they're looking up and this is
river of people and no one's going fast
and then I start realizing that a lot of
these people look like they're
sleepwalking and then I start thinking
about ambien because if you don't know
39 million Americans take sleeping pills
on a nightly basis okay and I never
thought about that until I had to deal
with it most of time ago you got need to
go to sleep whatever I don't give a
but you do give a when you're a
hotel and all of a sudden
everyone is sleepwalking if you've never
experienced this before people who are
on ambien they just do while
they're sleeping and they don't know
they did it you can just wake them up
and push them and they just keep going
and figure out what to do
it's a very strange thing I have a
friend who takes it every night he can't
not take it but he needs sleep so badly
that he's willing to like forget that he
did he made a turkey okay
the guy this is not enough to get him to
quit doing ambien he got up in the
middle of the night decided he was
making a turkey went downstairs
preheated the oven drove to the
supermarket bought a turkey came home
stuffed it made mashed potatoes and
gravy cooked it ate it went to sleep got
up and called the police he goes someone
broke into my house and made a turkey do
you take ambien yes but that's not the
point
no it's it's a terrible drug
it's a it's a weird thing taking
sleeping pills is a dangerous thing so
I'm in this hotel where you're entering
into the stairwell just this is funnel
of people and some of them were
in slippers someone wearing bathrobes
and everybody's walking really
slow and we hit this stairwell and we
start going and I see the smoke as
you're looking down you're seeing smoke
it's like maybe ten floors down like
maybe second third floor and oh my
where is this fire what if I see
fire what do I do if I see fire you
don't want to be the first guy to freak
out we don't wanna be the last guy to
freak out either
so there's that thing like when go time
is there you gotta be ready for a good
time
nobody else is ready for go time people
start waking up on the stairs
you can see them in the middle of
stairway just going waking up in the
middle of walking down the stairs and a
fire in a hotel and this guy
goes what's going on the wife goes where
the hotel fire shows a hotel why are we
in a hotel
these people are just walking down the
stairs waking up as it going and you
could tell the real old-school ambien
junkies because they're used to waking
up in the middle of doing and this
one guy he grips the railing looks
around it just keeps going
he's like okay we're doing this this is
what we're doing so walking down this
stairway and I'm really starting to
panic because I'm like everybody could
move a lot faster and there's a space
between their head and the stairway
above and I'm like if I could just get
in that space I can make some
progress but you don't want to be the
first guy to step on people's head so I
go okay keep it together keep it
together keep it together 15 floors I
have kids okay I'm starting to
really freak out and then one guy
decides to stop the line he grabs the
railing goes do we even know where we're
going and you see everyone just sort of
just rise up behind this guy and
everyone's thinking just murderous
chimpanzee thoughts it's just the deep
primal part of your brain that wants to
survive that was the guy that I focused
on for the whole rest of the time we
came down the stairs because I said
that's my guy
the moment I see fire I'm gonna punch
through that dude's pull out his
skeletal system and wear him as a fire
suit to run to safety
that's my plan I'm like I am NOT
buried yet because I'm in a hotel with a
bunch of sleepy and I'm also
thinking the whole time how the is
Joey Diaz get in the staircase that's
part of what I'm thinking so you know I
love my friends so I get outside and I'm
looking for Joey we get outside it turns
out it wasn't really a fire it turns out
as a bunch of drunk who just
set off the fire extinguisher which is
really good that nobody freaked out
because the last thing is you you want
to be outside when they go there was no
real fire while you're wearing a dude
skin
like I'm such a dick I'm really sorry
about all this
right when they said there's no fire
ever he was Bruce Joey where's Joey Joey
Diaz comes around the corner and he's
holding a joint and I go how'd you get
outside goes I took the elevator like a
doctor thank you very much guys
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you