Okay, so there are two reasons why we struggle in love.
We're either dating the wrong sort of person, or we're doing the wrong sort of thing.
In this video, I actually want to talk about the second point.
I want to talk about the fact that you are self-sabotaging your chances of love, and
what you need to do to recognize that you are self-sabotaging, and how to turn it around
so that you can start giving yourself permission to love and be loved the way that you were
meant to be.
Hey, guys, welcome back to my YouTube channel.
I'm Renee Slansky.
I'm a professional dating and relationship coach.
Now, I want to talk about self-sabotaging.
This is something that I was an expert in, and for a long time I didn't even realize
that I was doing it, and I think that's the thing about self-sabotaging.
Sometimes, we're aware that we're doing it on purpose.
The majority of the time, we don't know.
It's like we find ourselves in this cycle where years later we're still single.
We're still either attracting the wrong guys, or no one wants to commit to us, or we're
not getting any progress, and we see everyone else getting progress around us, and we think,
"Okay, is there something wrong with me, or what am I doing wrong?"
And it's really important that before we start to dissect everyone else around us, we have
to do a little bit of a self-audit to work out, "Okay, am I actually causing my own issues?"
Because the truth is, you are the common denominator in your life.
So I'm going to give you seven signs that you are self-sabotaging, but before I jump
into that, make sure you subscribe and drop a thanks Renee in the comments below if this
helps you.
Okay, tip number one, you keep experiencing the same sort of cycle.
A big indication that you are self-sabotaging is you are just basically going around in
circles, and you're not actually progressing.
Now, you're getting movement, but movement doesn't necessarily equal progression.
If you find that you're dating a great guy and then it's all falling apart, or you're
dating a great guy and then he doesn't commit, but then he commits to the person after you
and people that have been in your world are getting progression after you, but you're
not, then again, the issue probably is within what you're doing.
Now, the reason why we create these cycles in our life is because of our convictions.
What we believe that we're worthy of and also our lack of knowledge of what we need to do
in order to be able to break that cycle.
The truth is whatever you continue to do, you will always produce the same result.
So if you're ready to start breaking the cycle, then what I want you to do is download my
free guide, Are You Dateable?
It is a self-audit.
To get that, all you need to do is simply click the link in the description down below.
Number two, you create drama.
This was something that I used to do.
Goodness, I've done all of this.
I didn't even realize I was doing it.
Now, creating drama means that you might start fights for no reason, or you might overreact
and you know that you're overreacting, or you might start throwing accusations when
you know that they haven't done anything wrong.
It's basically trying to produce some sort of tension and conflict on purpose because
you want to have a reaction from that person.
Now, I used to do that all the time.
I used to associate a reaction with attention, and I wanted attention because I wasn't comfortable
with having no attention.
Which is obviously a really toxic sort of trait, and I'm glad that I was able to get
through that.
And if you are creating drama on purpose, then that could either be an indication of
your own insecurities that you haven't worked on, or you do it because again you want that
reaction from him.
I think sometimes we also create drama in a relationship because we're so scared to
be hurt by the person that we love.
So we go, "Well, if I hurt them first and if I push them away first, then that means
that they can't hurt me and push me away."
Which brings me to point number three, you do push people away.
What we can do is if we have been hurt in the past, we can create this self-defense
mechanism around us.
And so instead of falling for people who are going to hurt us again, we just kind of push
everyone away so that we don't get hurt.
Now, whether this is asking for space from a really great guy that you're in a relationship
with because you feel really smothered, or whether it is just pushing people away because
you've started to develop a particular type of attachment style...
Because you think that if I get close to them, I will be betrayed like I was before.
Now, obviously love involves some sort of risk, and it's a risk that I can't remove
for you, but I can help you minimize.
And if you want to know how I can actually help you work through all these self-sabotaging
patterns, retrain your brain, retrain your convictions about yourself, and make sure
that you're identifying when you're doing these things and how to actually get past
it, then all you need to do is click on the link, coaching with me, in the description
down below.
Number four, you chase toxic people.
You chase toxic men.
If you're self-sabotaging, you can also do it by constantly falling for men who are basically
setting you up for heartache.
And that's what we tend to do on autopilot if we don't know our worth or because we're
so familiar with being hurt, it's like our brain will gravitate towards people who will
hurt us because we know how to handle that.
And part of the reasons why people stay in toxic relationships and always attract toxic
sort of men... which I've done another video on this which I'll link down below as well...
is because we know what it feels like to be broken and to be hurt, and we're kind of comfortable
with that.
Even though it isn't good for us, we at least know how to handle that.
We know how to be disappointed.
Our brain is actually wired to always be negative because there's less expectations that are
unmet when we have more negativity in our life.
And when we actually hope and when we want to be with somebody who is good for us, it's
almost like we don't know how to handle that, and that's why we push them away.
That's why we pull back, and that's why we gravitate towards what we do know even if
it is bad for us.
Number five, you try to rescue or fix men.
If you as self-sabotaging your chances of happiness, peace, and progress, then chances
are you are trying to fix, change, or rescue men.
Now, changing and fixing men who are broken will kind of self-sabotage you in a way of
it will drain you.
It will mean that you're putting energy into people who are probably going to take more
than what they're going to give back, and will set you up for an unmet expectation because
you'll be focusing more on potential rather than the reality of who that person is right
there, and that is a way that we self-sabotage.
Who we connect with is a way to self-sabotage and if we're constantly connecting with people
who are broken or people that need to be rescued, then we're setting ourselves up to be the
counselor in the relationship, the mother in the relationship, and never really having
our own needs met and fulfilled.
On the other hand, you can self-sabotage trying to fix good guys.
If you get into a relationship with a great guy but then you try to change him, or you
try to nag him, or do these things because you want to make him your project, you are
essentially making him less attracted to you because he'll feel that you don't love him
for who he is.
So I want to just reiterate that point.
Self-sabotaging isn't necessarily always about being in toxic situations.
Most of the time, self-sabotaging is actually toxic behavior that comes within because you
haven't learned how to do things different, because you're not aware of it, or again,
you've got this cycle going on in your brain that actually needs to be retrained.
Number six, you struggle to commit.
I know.
Right?
When we date men who struggle to commit to us, we might think, "Ah, men never want to
commit," which just isn't true.
Sometimes we actually gravitate towards men who are emotionally unavailable or who don't
want to commit because again we have this pattern in our brain that goes, "Well, if
I can get a man that doesn't know how to commit, then I don't ever have to worry about having
a man commit to me and then leaving me as well."
And if you do have this pattern of you feeling that you can't commit to men, or you've always
got this reason for why it's not working out, or you push away the good guys, well then
that really comes down to a lot of fear that you have residing in you which really needs
to be dealt with.
Now, my free guide, Are You Dateable, will really help you pinpoint some of these areas.
Are you actually ready to be in a relationship, or you're going to keep being in the same
sort of cycle because you have this habit of self-sabotaging.
So, again, if you want to get that, simply click the link down below.
And lastly, number seven, the way that you know that you're self-sabotaging is that you
make men and relationships your sole focus.
Ah, again, this is something that I used to do.
That's why I'm an expert in what not to do before I became an expert in what to do.
Ladies, if you make finding love, marriage, children, someone else and what you have with
them the sole focus of your happiness, your emotional stability, and your purpose, then
I can guarantee you that you will self-sabotage great relationships and probably find yourselves
in really toxic ones.
It's really important that you take care of you first.
That you become the best version of you first before you become the best wife version.
It is important that you find stability, and fulfillment, and happiness outside of a man
and outside of a relationship so that you're not constantly relying on other people to
fulfill that part of your life.
Again, if this is something that you want to know how to do, my eight week online course,
for example, deals with all of these and helps get rid of some of that stuff that you've
been probably carrying around for decades without even realizing, hence why you're in
this cycle.
All right, girls, hope that this shed some light on your situation.
If it has, let me know by dropping a thanks Renee, in the comments down below.
Don't forget to subscribe.
Maybe send this to a friend who needs to see it, and in the meantime, know that you are
worthy, lovable, and beautiful.
That you can break this negative self-sabotaging cycle and that I can help you do it.
It's just a matter of deciding that you no longer want to stay in this position anymore.
Until next time, have an amazing day, and I'll see you soon.
Bye for now.