Translator: Jago Di Piro Reviewer: Mirjana Čutura
The year was 1984,
and I was faced with a life-or-death dilemma:
whether to end my crappy, miserable, little life
or run away and study theatre in New York City.
(Laughter)
Theatre saved my life.
That's not hyperbole, it's not exaggeration.
In the theatre, I found a tribe, I found a place to fit in,
and I found skills that served me my whole life.
I grew up poor in rural upstate New York
to parents who were both loving and abusive.
It's a pretty terrible mix.
I was a veracious reader. It was my only escape.
And so I learned early the power of words.
Studying theatre, I understood the power of words out loud.
See, children don't get to write their own scripts.
It's forced on them, fed to them, and handed to them from birth.
And so, when on a sunny, summer afternoon at a local lake
my dad yelled across the sand to me when I was 12,
'Hey, Crisco. I'm calling you "Crisco" because you're fat in a can',
that became part of my script.
And when my parents 'jokingly' told my sisters and I
that our births were accidents or mistakes,
that became part of my script.
And when we told them that an older male cousin had been touching us
and absolutely nothing was done about it,
that valuelessness became part of my script:
not wanted and never good enough.
And so, I wanted to go to New York City and be an actor
because that way I would get to pretend to be someone else,
someone who was beautiful and talented and smart and worthy of being loved -
all the things I thought I wasn't.
In the theatre, I grew my confidence from the ground up.
I learned how to speak to people, how to listen, and how to observe.
And I got comfortable in my own skin.
All of it.
(Laughter)
And in the years since, I've worked as an actor, a director, a producer.
I worked in banking and real estate and in fashion.
I've been an entrepreneur and even a scuba diving instructor.
And in all of those endeavours, I brought my theatre skills
and was so much more successful because of it.
So, about five years ago,
I began to teach these theatre skills,
these soft skills,
to other business professionals.
I began to teach.
And what I found was,
throughout all of the workshops, throughout all of the classes,
the seminars,
regardless of age, race, or socio-economic position,
something became very clear.
Men and women speak very differently about themselves.
Men seem to have a much easier time talking about their skills and abilities.
(In a manly voice) 'S'up, I'm Derek.
(Laughter)
I'm a hell of a ball player.
I make the most amazing pancakes you've ever had.
I speak Spanish. Gracias.'
(Laughter)
'I'm running this little start-up
that I'm sure I'll be able to sell for millions in a couple of years.
So yeah, I'm Derek.'
Women tell a different story.
'Hi, I'm Gabby.
I guess I'm pretty smart.
I work for a large insurance company.
And I, you know, get along with everyone.
I think everyone likes me.
(Whispers) Oh, my God.'
(Laughter)
'I'm kind of an artist. I'm kind of an artist.
I won a couple of awards, you know, nothing major, nothing major, but ...
I'm a really good pet parent to my schnauzer, Buckley.
So yeah, I'm Gabby.'
There's a hell of a difference
between the way that men and women speak about themselves.
And so, I started to really dig into that to figure out why that is.
And so, what I found was, in study after study after study,
men and women were found to be equally competent leaders.
But men were found to be much more confident
in their skills and abilities.
Shocking, not shocking. Right?
(Laughter)
In 2017, Science magazine published an article
detailing how six-year-old girls no longer thought that they were brilliant.
Meaning at age five, these little girls thought they and everyone else like them
was equally brilliant, were equally talented.
But at age six, when they began primary school, the script changed.
And by high school,
these girls are no longer raising their hands in class.
And in our lifetime, statistically, women will earn one million dollars less
than their male counterparts.
In part, because we don't speak our value.
So, how do we rescript this confidence-competence paradigm?
How do we reroute the currents
that we've been paddling in our entire lives?
It starts here
with the words that we use when we think and speak about ourselves.
And it starts here with conversations about those words out loud.
That's how we begin to rewrite these scripts.
So, the first thing we need to do
is learn how to omit justifying language.
So, what I mean by that is starting a sentence with,
'I'm sorry, but I ...'
or 'I kind of maybe think we should do this.'
or 'I'm just calling because ...'
(Laughter)
Think simple, declarative statements.
Think 'I'm calling because ...'
'Here's how we should move forward.'
And for God's sake, stop apologising.
We apologise for living, for breathing, for taking up space.
And we do it non-verbally too.
We put things in front of us: desks, chairs, tables,
podiums, our phones.
Then the message becomes that these things are more important than we are.
And they're just not.
So that's number one.
Number two is we have to learn how to accept praise and responsibility
for the things that are ours.
So, what I mean by 'responsibility' is
if you mess up, if you goof up, if you f up,
own it.
It's yours to own, and there is power in that.
When you shrug off these things that are yours,
whether it's a small mistake or a giant failure,
you're literally giving away power,
and you're hurting the relationships involved.
Praise is the flip side of this.
So, we women are really good at dodging and deflecting praise, right?
So, for example, 'LB, you did a great job on that project.'
'I did?
OK.
Thanks, you know, it wasn't rocket science,
but, you know, thanks.'
Right? Dodge and deflect.
So, I've developed a fool-proof, two-step method
to accept praise, credit that is yours.
Step one: say 'Thank you'.
(Laughter)
Step two: shut the hell up.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Seriously. Say 'Thank you', and stop talking.
Let's put this into practice.
When I give you the cue,
I want you to say, 'LB, you're a brilliant speaker.'
(Laughter)
Ready?
(Audience) LB, you're a brilliant speaker.
Thank you!
(Laughter)
And there you have it.
(Applause)
Say 'Thank you', and stop talking, stop diluting yourself.
Accept the praise and the credit and the compliments that are yours.
Accept what is yours to own, positive and negative.
Now, the third most important thing that you can do to reroute these scripts
is to get really good at saying what you're good at.
And I know that sounds like a twisted interview question,
but we don't give ourselves space
to say out loud how amazing we are and why we're amazing.
And so, here is how you jump-start that conversation.
You complete these statements:
'I excel at ...'
'I'm really good at ...'
'I'm a freaking rock star at ...'
And you keep redrafting these statements the rest of your life.
Give this to your sons and your daughters, to your friends.
Have conversations about how awesome you are out loud.
Give this to your mum and your dad.
Share this idea with everyone
because that is how we get to reroute these currents we've been paddling in.
Now, before I wrap up, I want to speak directly to the women in the audience.
Hey.
(Laughter)
I want to give your some math.
I know it's bizarre: the theatre person talking about math,
but bear with me - this is special math.
It's special because I made it completely up.
(Laughter)
So you know it's good.
Because words matter,
words are the scripts, become the narratives,
become our lives.
And so, we have to decide how we're going to use them.
Here you go.
A plus/minus A plus/minus A plus/minus A plus/minus A
does not have to equal B.
Because a woman is and/or calls herself ...
(Laughter)
(Applause)
[Assured plus/minus adamant plus/minus audacious plus/minus aggressive
doesn't equal bitch]
Assertive, aggressive, whatever,
any combination does not mean she gets to be labelled a bitch.
We get to decide, we get to own the words -
that's the power.
And that is how we reroute the currents that we've been paddling in.
So, my friends, speak well about yourself, and do it out loud.
And give others the space to do it well.
And then we can reroute the currents, we can write the scripts,
and we can change the world.
Thank you.
(Applause)
(Cheering)