Listen, if you’re bumping into lasers, I feel bad for you, son.
I’m playing 99Seconds and I still haven’t won.
Hit me.
Wait, not literally.
It’s 99Seconds for the Nintendo Wii U.
That’s not what “hit me” means.
So 3DS fans might recognize this little guy.
His name’s V-99…and his parents were either from the future, or they lost a bet.
And hey, if you had parents that irresponsible, you’d be messed up, too.
So do forgive poor V-99 for hovering around this crazy place where giant geometry tries
to annihilate him.
He’s obviously got issues and probably listens to rap music.
Like, angry rap music.
See, that’s the irony.
Dude doesn’t even like Jay-Z.
99Seconds is one of the 99 games.
There’s also 99Bullets, and 99Moves…actually, they’re a
lot like the BIT.TRIP games.
Each one is a different game with a different idea, but they’ve also got the same retro
style.
And we’re talking really retro.
Like, pre-NES retro.
The gameplay, the graphics…I mean, it looks like someone modded a Colecovision, or something.
It really doesn’t get much simpler than 99Seconds.
Of course, you could also argue…it doesn’t get much more fun, either.
So you’re controlling V-99, and the idea is to avoid crap.
That’s it.
Crap comes at you, avoid the crap.
You don’t have lasers, or rocket launchers…your weapon’s the control stick.
And whatever dexterity you happen to have with it.
And the catch, of course, is that you have 99 seconds.
So it’s a race against the clock to score as many points as you can…in 99 seconds.
No pressure, or anything.
V-99.
You know, his sister V-one million?
She never had this problem.
You know, if you miss the days of simplicity in gaming…if you miss Pac-Man, and Centipede,
and all the classic arcade games that didn't f*ck around and just let you play…you’re
going to be so into 99Seconds, you’ll think it’s 1982.
You’ll be playing this, listening to Thriller, and DVR’ing Magnum P.I.
But wait, slow down, Tom Selleck.
Comb the mustache.
‘Cause DVR didn’t even exist yet.
Also, this game isn’t as quite good as Magnum P.I.
So here’s the thing.
99Seconds is beautifully simple…but maybe a little too simple.
I mean, I’m all about simple games…but after a few rounds, even I started to get
a little bored.
You want to see things evolve, you know?
Maybe the colors, or the backgrounds, or the shapes…but it’s pretty much the same look
and feel the whole time, every time.
And it’s cool that you can collect little time bonuses, that add seconds to your time…but
a couple of power-ups would’ve been huge.
You know, just to add a little more flavor…
I mean, it’s like you have this delicious cake…
Oh, but it doesn’t…like, there’s no icing, on the cake.
Tell you what there is, though.
There’s fun.
99Seconds is fun.
And you could argue that it’s better on the Wii U. Off-screen play is a huge plus,
but when you play on the TV, the game’s never looked better.
Plus, it’s way more fun with friends.
And actually, the multiplayer is the highlight of the package.
Trying to bump four of your friends into the objects?
Pfft.
Not only will you be throwing back pizza, you’ll also be throwing it at each other.
That’s what multiplayer used to be about.
And like so many other things…this game remembers.
It’s 99Seconds for the Nintendo Wii U.