NARRATOR: This summer, prepare for the poorly-directed
movie adaptation of the young adult phenomenon that isn’t about gay vampires. The Hunger
Games. In a dystopian future, the rich dress like second-rate Lady Gagas in cities leftover
from Phantom Menace while the poor struggle for survival in unnecessary shaky cam. But
can still somehow afford futuristic projection thingies. One girl must choose - between
a short, boring, one-dimensional, worthless blonde guy and this much hotter dude. In
a world where children are ripped from their families, and their parents seem oddly okay
with it, she will make the ultimate sacrifice.
KATNISS: I volunteer as tribute.
NARRATOR: And enter a life-or-death game where competitors
learn the deadly arts of… lying in rafters, button pressing, playing with balls, and frosting
decoration.
PEETA: I used to decorate the cakes down at the bakery.
NARRATOR: What the hell is this?
KATNISS: Peeta!
NARRATOR: Seriously? That is [bleep]-ing ridiculous. A
girl that will enthrall a nation through her stupid face, cheap -looking CGI fire, and
completely emotionless delivery.
KATNISS: How do you find shelter? Listen to them. I
told her that I would try to win. How will they change you?
NARRATOR: A film that forces two actors with no chemistry
to awkwardly fall in love. Which would have been far more believable if they would have
cast him as Peeta. I mean, I’m not gay, but I’d totally [bleep] Gale’s [bleep]. A
future so advanced they can conjure fire and monster dogs but not food for the poor. The
ultimate game of kill or be killed, except for these kids who don’t kill each other
for some reason. Who Katniss will outsmart by hiding in trees, falling from trees, sleeping
in trees and basically being around a lot of trees. Not starring these important parts
from the book: Katniss' hearing loss, the avoxes, Peeta's amputation, political and
social satire, the subtle nuances explaining the relationships between the districts and
the capital, The inner turmoil of Katniss as she struggles to love Peeta for the sake
of the cameras and the actual hunger. Seriously they all look very well fed. The Hunger Games.
It’s basically just a rip-off of Battle Royale. Tell us what movie you'd like to see
as an Honest Trailer and leave a comment with the word you'd like to hear me say next time
want in my awesome voice. Indubitably. Me gusta. Derp. Frabbins. Tittie sprinkles. I'm
a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, and here is my spout.