- Hey, everybody, Happy Thursday.
Now, today's question is all
about trauma and guilt.
But before we jump into that,
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Welcome, I am a licensed therapist
talking about all things mental health,
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But let's jump into today's question,
and it is, Kati, I have, over the years,
begun to think that if someone is traumatized
and their rational brain places the guilt where it belongs,
onto the person or the situation
that caused the trauma to begin with,
then the heart would naturally align with the brain
and that any leftover fear, stress, or shame
would be gone or managed.
But that clearly is not the case for so many folks.
Human nature, myself included in the above.
Is there science behind why the feelings remain,
even after most of the guilt is gone?
And if so, can you do an extended video on that topic?
Well, yes, I can.
Now, I really like this question
because what they're describing is cognitive dissonance
which, if you don't remember,
I did a video about that,
and I will link it in the description,
but for the sake of this video,
just know that cognitive dissonance
is when our beliefs about ourselves in situation
are not in line with how we act,
meaning that if we think
we are a good and thoughtful person
but then find ourselves trying to harm someone,
this would cause cognitive dissonance.
This can also occur in abusive relationships
when we believe we are good and kind,
but someone else keeps telling us the opposite,
and using gaslighting techniques to make us believe
that we don't remember things clearly
and that we are actually terrible and hurtful.
Does that make sense?
And all of this can be really detrimental
to our development and growth,
because we don't know what the truth is
or who we really are.
It can lead us to questioning
anything and everything that we do.
In other words, it's crazy making.
But to get into the specific question
about trauma and why our feelings can remain,
even when most of the guilt is gone,
often the guilt is misplaced
because we are told that we are to blame
or that we could have done something to stop it.
Fight, flight, or freeze, think about it.
If we freeze, which is often the case when we're children
because we can't fight back, we're not big enough,
and we often can't get out
'cause we live in that house
and maybe we don't know where to go,
then we can feel like we should have
done something more to fight back or to stop it.
I've even had patients who share
that they went back over to their abuser's house,
even after the abuse had started,
and that just makes them feel more responsible,
like, if I didn't want it to happen again,
why did I go over there?
Or if it's sexual abuse, we may find ourselves
having an orgasm, even though, just so you know,
that's a physiological response
and does not equal consent.
But all of that can make us wonder and think
that we should have done something more,
that we could have fought,
that we could have said something else,
that we could have stopped it,
and that can make it hard for us to place the guilt
where it belongs, on the abuser
or the person doing the harm.
Instead, we take it on ourselves.
And truly, we understand in the psychology world that
that's what keeps that, like, cycle of abuse going is
because of that cognitive dissonance
and the gaslighting and the manipulation
that occurs when we're in abusive situations.
And obviously there's a ton of different situations
we could be in where we feel guilty afterwards.
But that guilt can lead us
to many various feelings and coping skills.
And if time passes and we're able
to let go of that guilt,
or maybe even to place it
onto the correct person or situation.
Let's say we're working in therapy,
and we're able to recognize
that child us couldn't do anything and that
that was just us not understanding the situation,
not knowing what to do.
Maybe that's what we thought love looked or felt like.
Even if we've done all that work
and we start to feel better,
all of the feelings and other experiences we've had
as a result could have piled up over time.
Most of my patients say they're even afraid
to talk about trauma or even talk
about how they feel about it
because they're afraid that the dam is gonna burst
and they are not gonna be able to stop themselves
from just feeling overwhelmed,
dissociating, maxing out, or whatever.
And just considering all of that, right,
if we have all this piled up,
letting go of one emotion, guilt,
isn't going to negate or get rid
of any of the others that we have felt
that have maybe piled up.
Does that make sense?
Because until we process the trauma completely
so that it doesn't have any emotional charge for us,
did you hear that?
We process it so much so that it doesn't have
any emotional charge.
If we don't do that, it will still bother us,
and that's completely normal.
And that's why working slowly but surely
on all that comes up for you
and fighting to lean into those uncomfortable feelings
that maybe we haven't even allowed ourselves
to feel before,
will actually make things better more quickly.
And overall, the reason
that I believe these just don't quite align
and that if we get rid of the guilt
that we don't feel better
is guilt is just one feeling
associated with trauma. (relaxing piano music)
It's not the only one,
and so we're gonna have to work a little harder,
we're gonna have to dig a little deeper,
and I promise, when we do that,
you will feel better.
I hope you found that answer helpful.
That was a really interesting question,
and I would also love to hear your thoughts
in the comments down below.
And if you like what I talk about on my channel,
you will love my book.
I have a book, it's called Are u ok?
And it is a guide to caring for your mental health.
So you can click the link in the description
and pick yours up today, and I will see you next time.