our parents didn't grow up with a love
language i know that because i was on a
date once before i even found out about
a girl asked me was my love language i
was like i don't even know what that is
she was like like how did you feel love
from your family growing up and i was
like oh
threats of violence
my mom would threaten to murder me
and then she wouldn't and i would be
like she loves me
[Applause]
my mom's just really embarrassing her
newest thing she's doing is
she likes to talk to every stranger she
just likes to sort of stop people and
have these kind of sassy moments with
them
they're not having the moments with her
uh
they're often listening to her with this
sort of a stance
like we were out at this latin
restaurant i felt so bad for the guy
because i was like he has no idea what's
about to happen to him right now like
like my mom likes to just kind of she
likes to let people know that she's just
she's kind of down with everything you
know so
he comes over to our table he says
something so reasonable i was like he
has no idea what's about to happen he
just told her that they were very
slammed and then he needed a moment
here's my mother's unacceptable response
to that she goes oh please take your
time i lived in california in the 1960s
i'm like what the [ __ ] does that mean
what in god's name just happened
she will not stop doing that california
thing to people i've begged her no one
knows what to do with that they just
it's so genuinely confusing for people
they just sort of look at her like they
don't feel safe
i love i don't know how my mom did it
you know i mean my mom's amazing you
know i mean she had two kids that were
living at home at the time when she was
you know when she was single you know
and she raised both of us uh really well
she was amazing she became the mother
and the father and the reason why i tell
you that is because she reminded us
every [ __ ] day
there wasn't a day that my mom didn't
tell us that just me and my sister just
playing in the room and playing around
and then my mom would just come into the
room and go i just want your kids to
know one thing
i'm the mother
and the father
i bring home the bacon and i cooked that
[ __ ]
my mom was tough as [ __ ] i dare anybody
to [ __ ] with my mom's kids yeah anyway
my mom was 4 10. she'll fight anybody
she didn't give a [ __ ] that's how tough
my mom was i remember one time i was at
a shoe store and i was [ __ ] up the
shoe wall you know the shoe display wall
[ __ ] it up just put shoes all over
the place right and the salesman saw me
he was like hey get the [ __ ] out of here
[ __ ] up the shoe i'll get the [ __ ]
out he's cursing at me right he didn't
know my mom was in the back of the store
he couldn't see her
she's 4 10.
my mom popped around the corner she was
like hey who are you talking to
you don't talk to my children like that
who are you huh i want to speak to the
manager
and the guy started making fun of my
mom's accent oh you want a spectacular
manager
i don't wanna talk talk to the manager
and my mom goes oh that's funny
you're making fun of my accent i live in
your country and i speak two languages
tagalog and english you live here how
many do you speak one you're stupid
so the guy started cursing at my mom
right he's like you know what i don't
need to hear this [ __ ] get the [ __ ] out
of my store take your kid and get the
[ __ ] out of my store right so my mom
started cursing back right i've seen my
mom curse before but we never seen her
get into a cursed fight
and when you curse certain words go
together but mama takes whatever curse
word she knows and throws him at you
he's like get the [ __ ] out of my store
my mom goes oh yeah you son of a [ __ ]
[ __ ] your [ __ ] has a dick with a chin
in here and you're [ __ ] mother mother
[ __ ]
[ __ ] your [ __ ] here
[Applause]
i looked at my sister did mom just say
mother [ __ ]
my mom's so funny she lives in the south
too she's still determined to keep me up
to date with everybody that i grew up
with and she'll remind me about them to
the point where i care again
so she'll call me up she's like hey what
are you doing i'm like what's three in
the afternoon cougar i'm working
and she's like what do you remember
ashley davidson i'm like no i don't know
who that is oh you know who that is
like i was just lying the second before
ashley davidson she had long dark hair
she's on the cheerleading squad i'm like
no mom it still does not ring a bell
her mom alice used to cut your hair
and i'm like oh yeah
yeah i think i know who that is
well she's dead
i'm like why would you call to tell me
that she's like because i thought you
wanted all my but i even know who that
is oh you know hey that is
we go round and round in circles this is
an actual text that she sent to me if
you want any idea of how she can
brighten your day here
is an example
real text
did you know vanessa tate she lived on
poplar street i went to school with her
mother jan we were in junior league
together back in the day
her father died a few months ago and her
mother last week they were 65 and 61. i
wonder what happened very sad
[Applause]
oh it gets better it gets better
there's snow in the air and it's 23
degrees i feel sorry for the tornado
survivors who are picking through the
rubble their homes in this have a great
show love mom
now you know why i am like i am
just not tough enough man i'm not you
know why i think i'm not that tough
because of my mind my mom was real
religious you know my mom was strict
bringing me up and because of that yeah
i'm a little sweet little kid a mama's
boy
really
the thing is my mom is over religious
god she's over religious you ever meet
somebody that's over religious talk
about god all the time
or blame everything on the devil yeah
that's my mom
everything is the devil's fault you know
baby that ain't nothing but the devil
that's the damn devil baby that's all
that is
and it's like it's at the point now
where you can't have a conversation with
this woman because if you say something
she don't agree with she makes it seem
like it's not you talking it's the devil
you know
and i had to explain to her i was like
mom you gotta understand i'm older now i
got my own opinion okay i'm not gonna
agree with everything you say sometimes
i'm gonna think what i wanna think and i
know where she started yelling she's
like let him go devil what
what are you talking about let them go
devil take me instead
you talking about this ain't the devil
yes it is my baby would never talk to me
like that and she started flicking holy
water at me right just like that
and when she flicked the holy water i
got mad at curse i was like man you know
this is bull i'm leaving and she flicks
some more and it got in my eye
and when he got my eyes started stinging
i said oh my god it's sting i might be
the devil you know
[Applause]
she's like boy you ain't no devil that's
bleach don't you ever curse at me i beat
your little ass in this house
my mom's a [ __ ] hear me out
i know like not everyone's comfortable
with that word happy you're like
right no don't say that and the other
half you were like oh my god what a
coincidence
i brought her to a soccer game because i
wanted to show her what boundaries
looked like you know
i was like look
she's like i don't see him i'm like i
know i know
stop calling my friends how about that
she's always bragging about the dumbest
stuff the other day she was telling me
she's like you know i can still fit in
my wedding dress
i was like oh my god who cares right
i mean it is weird that she's the same
size now as she was when she was eight
months pregnant but i just
[Applause]
i don't think bragging is cool i give my
mom a lot of credit she uh
she had to do a lot of weird [ __ ]
you know she had a
like my mom had to buy me condoms
i feel like that's a dad's job i mean i
i never had a dad but i assume that's
like the dad's job
like in my head uh how i would get
condoms from my dad is we would be
having a catch
and then all of a sudden a huge box of
condoms would appear in his hand and
he'd be like go long and he would throw
it and then i would catch it and he'd be
like
i don't know i don't have a dad but i
assume that's like how it goes down
i'll tell you how it's not supposed to
go down uh i got home from school and i
was like a sophomore in high school and
my mom was like hey i left a little
present for you on your bed
i was very excited i was like oh my god
perhaps it's sneakers it was very
there's endless possibilities it could
be dvds those were hot at the time it
could have been a million things
i get up there it's a 50 pack of condoms
every variety every brand
and i just wanted to be like ma who the
[ __ ] do you think your son is
like i never even brought a friend home
like what made you think i was out there
like slinging [ __ ]
i hang out with you every night do you
want to [ __ ] me do you want to [ __ ] me
mom no let's [ __ ] i'm mad now
me and my mom are really close now i
this is how close me and my mom are like
i send my mom pictures of my dick
whenever i'm worried
easy
she says nurse
she's a nurse so i figured whenever like
i get a dot or something rather than go
see the doctor i could just cut out the
middleman send it to my mom
that's not [ __ ] no [ __ ] you i don't
like that
no maybe you guys aren't just that close
with your mothers
yeah i mean my mom are on a dick level
no like no here's an example like if
there was a line of dudes waiting to
show their dick to my mom right it's her
lucky day
uh
i
i could cut that line
because i'm with the family you
understand
no i send my mom pics i'm like hey mom
sorry to bother you but you know do you
see anything wrong here
and she'd be like yeah pete definitely
something wrong
and i believe what she's like you're
sending me pictures of your dick what
the [ __ ] wrong with you
i'm a school nurse
she's like put a band-aid on it i don't
know
[Music]