Thank you. Sit, sit. Thank you.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
It's great to be back in my home of New York City.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I've been on the road a little bit.
I was in Aruba.
Whatever. It wasn't that great. [ Laughs ]
Yeah, I'd call my mother. I said, "I'm going to Aruba."
She goes, "You flying?"
No, Mom. The subway now goes to Aruba.
It's 457 stops, but it's like $2.75, so...
Yeah, the guy who books the room is a guy named Aruba Ray.
That's the guy who books --
Yeah, and he's almost as bad as my mother, you know?
Yeah, Aruba Ray goes, "Come to Aruba."
I said, "I don't want to fly."
He goes, "Lenny, come to Aruba.
Do you like fresh fish?"
[ Laughter ]
That was his sales pitch for Aruba.
No, I like unfresh fish.
I like a salmon that's washed up on shore with, like,
one eye missing and a cigarette coming out of his mouth.
Yeah, sauté that up. I'm coming to Aruba, idiot.
He did it again. He did it again.
I think he has a thing for fish.
You know, more than the Cousteau guy, you know?
I'm telling you. He has a thing for fish.
We go down there. He takes me to dinner.
We're at the restaurant.
He calls the waitress over with the menu.
He goes, "Excuse me. What's the story with the salmon?"
Who asks like that?
"What's the story with the salmon?"
"Uh, once upon a time, there was a salmon...
He was gonna go to med school but got caught in a net.
And now he's being eaten by an idiot."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"What's the story with the salmon?"
It was the best of salmon, it was the worst of salmon.
People love food more than I love food.
That I can tell you. My wife loves food.
She takes me to restaurants.
You know the big food thing right now?
You ever hear of farm-to-table?
Yeah, this is the biggest crock ever.
It really is.
My wife dragged me to a farm-to-table restaurant.
The waiter, whispering, sashays up to the table like...
"Hi.
Have you guys dined with us before?"
Like, "No, but I've lived on the planet before.
Is this -- I pick from the list and you bring it?
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Yeah, I've done that." It got worse.
Then he says, "Before we begin,
is anybody allergic to anything I should be aware of?"
I said, "Cats.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not eating cats."
So now he hates me, and I hate him. You know?
And they he goes, "Let me tell you
about the experience you're about to have."
And I look at my wife, and she's going, "Ooh!"
And I'm like, "Oh, my God.
This is going to cost me a small fortune."
He goes, "This is a farm-to-table restaurant.
We get all the food directly from the farm
and we bring it right to the table."
And I'm thinking, "Where was all the other food
in all the other restaurants to this point in my life
coming from?
Was it coming outer-space-to-table?
He just told my wife anything she wanted to hear.
Placated her.
She goes, "What's with this zucchini dish?"
He goes, "Great choice."
I'm like, "You suck."
He just told her stories.
"There's no sprays on the zucchini.
There's no GMO's on the farm.
A small Venezuelan boy raised it from a seed.
He read it nursery rhymes every day
until it grew to fruition for you today.
And he picked it just for you, and he put it on his bicycle,
and he rode it the 200 miles down from the farm.
Cha-ching, cha-ching!
[ Applause ]
And then he gave it to the chef, who cried when he saw it.
He didn't want to cut it.
And that's $32."
[ Laughter ]
Farm-to-table. What a crock.
It should be called money-to-toilet.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
He goes, "What are you having?" I said, "I'll have the fish."
He goes, "Let me tell you about the fish."
"I don't want to know!"
'Cause I knew it was going to be some dumb story like,
"We don't actually kill the fish here. That's inhumane.
We just take a grill
and put it next to the pond, and we just wait.
And eventually one of the salmon is like,
'You know what? I can't take it anymore.'
And throws itself on the grill."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"You're having the sayonara salmon, which is $52.50."
I was livid.
And then he sashays back up at the end.
"Hi, again. Were you guys thinking about dessert?"
I was like, "I was thinking about gun control."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
He goes, "Are you sure you don't want dessert?"
And I'm this close to saying, "Let me tell you
about the experience you're about to have.
It's called fist-to-face.
And it's free!"
[ Applause ]
Yeah, people love food more than I love food.
I get it. I get it, foodies.
Look. I'll give you a choice of one of two things.
Which would you take -- sex or soup?
Okay, here's my theory.
If you're 32 years old or under, you chose sex.
If you're over 50, you chose soup.
And everybody else in the middle thought to themselves,
"What kind of soup?"
[ Laughter ]
Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Lenny Marcus! Lenny Marcus!
His comedy album "Home and Away" is available now on iTunes.