- So everything is self or other.
When you're focused on other,
many of us, and I think this has happened at,
do any of you have or even either felt like you had
or had either a parent that was physically abandoning
or emotionally abandoning?
Many of us.
Now what happens in that phase of our life when we feel
like we've been physically or emotionally abandoned,
is we then make a choice and a decision
that there's a level of shame there,
there's something wrong with me.
So then what we end up doing
is we end up trying to change ourself,
we end up trying to change our own frame
so that we can feel safe.
So being an empath many times is a mechanism that we use
in order to get our needs met.
And our needs being met may mean that we change ourself,
that we can't say no when someone else
wants us to do something,
that we allow certain behaviors to happen.
And that's rooted in this old pattern
that we're used to playing in
because we haven't found or recentered ourself
back into ourself in a healthy way.
Narcissism is an unhealthy way of expressing the self.
And being a people pleaser in a way or an empath
or somebody that can feel other people's energy,
they lose or give away their own center of gravity
in order to get their needs met.
Now, narcissists, what they do is they demand,
they emotionally, they can emotionally manipulate.
They have different tactics to get their needs met.
Empaths and people pleasers
have their own ways of getting their needs met,
and it was a hard thing for me to look at
because I had to become aware that my inability to say no
and my desire to get other people to like me
and to want other people's validation and approval
was a way that I was going about trying to get my needs met.
So one of the things I had to realize, though,
is that what I was trying to do in those moments
is I was trying to get
other people's approval and validation
because I didn't get the approval
and validation for my parents growing up.
And the reason I wanted that to really sink in,
because it's a realization that sometimes
these energy patterns we have
is we're trying to find ourself in others.
We've literally taken on other people's emotions,
other people's actions,
other people's ways of being, and we've internalized it.
We haven't found the difference
between who am I and who are they?
And that's why when it comes to boundaries,
an important mantra to remember
is that's your shit not mine,
because as an empath, you don't know what the difference is.
Your friends, you wanna hang out
and you don't wanna hang out, you don't have time for it?
Yet can't say no because their unhappiness
or their unapproval is your emotion.
You end up feeling that.
Now what this I believe is either narcissism or empaths
is it's rooted in that abandonment from childhood.
The funny thing is that in order to get our needs met,
we will go through that,
to change ourself, to change our own energy,
to get other people to like us or other people's approval,
we've already caused and had the first level of abandonment.
We've abandoned ourselves.
And that's what causes us
to then change our center of gravity
and to be that way around other people.
So if I had to learn to do
and I had to go through a phase a couple years ago
where I started to become aware of this,
is I had to stop abandoning myself.
And that was very hard for me to do
because I had to start looking and noticing the difference
between what's their stuff, what's my stuff?
And one of the most powerful techniques I've learned,
I actually learned it from Doug,
and that was the frame technique.
How many of you heard me talk about the frame technique?
And we've kind of already done it on the first day
when we were doing the Om activation,
but you literally feel that, you feel in your body
and you feel not just the connection,
'cause as empaths, we're already all connected,
we're all one consciousness.
At the same time, we're also separate.
And as we start delineating and feeling the separation
between us and other people,
what we end up finding is we start noticing
that we can now take responsibility for our own stuff
and realize that other people's stuff is not ours.
Does that make sense to you guys?
So, yes, that's a great question.
So she was asking about the balance
of being able to assert boundaries
and then having the initial response from people,
or also asserting boundaries
and feeling kind of fiery with it.
There is a phase you may go through
as you do start setting boundaries
where you almost feel guilty for setting boundaries
and you almost resist and you don't want to be...
People pleasers tend to have a challenge
stepping into tension.
For those of you that consider yourself an empath
or a people please, or what would happen
if you you said something to someone,
you spoke your mind and there was tension there?
That probably makes you a little bit afraid.
So with this, an important thing, and as Doug was saying,
boundaries are internal.
Boundaries are internal.
At first, when I started tapping into boundaries,
I was like, I'm gonna set all these boundaries,
I'm gonna tell people I can't do this or I can't do that
when I would normally say yes when I didn't want to.
But what I found out later
is the more I did that meditation,
where you feel the separation between you and the wall,
you and the candle flame,
and you start feeling safe in your own body
and you start tuning into yourself, what do I wanna do?
What is my intention?
You start to notice a little crack opens up
and you can start to feel the separation,
and then it becomes easier and easier.
But it's good also to start out maybe a little bit slower
'cause the challenge is you've already primed so many,
people in your life are just responding to you
on the way you've trained them to respond to you.
So if 40 times somebody asks you,
a friend asked you to do something
that made you sacrifice yourself,
and you said yes 40 times out of the times they asked,
and then all of a sudden you say, no,
they're thinking what the fuck's going on, you know?
And it's a break in that identity.
And that's the beauty of being in this space right now,
is you're around other people
that don't these preconceived patterns
and notions around you,
so it makes it a little bit easier to shift.
But the thing that I would, to kind of close out
that sector of understanding this, the power is in realizing
where are you trying to draw energy from?
Because I've said this in some of my YouTube videos before
and it sounds a little bit triggering,
but in a way, narcissists will do whatever they can
to get their needs met,
and sometimes empaths will do the same thing.
It's just that the way narcissists get their needs met
is they demand it on others.
They demand it and they maybe do it
in more aggressive ways,
whereas the empaths aren't as aggressive
and they do it by giving in order to get,
and that's why empaths have such a hard time receiving.
Whereas narcissists or people
that have more that that strong energy pattern going on,
they have no problem receiving.
In fact, they might even expect it.
So the key to this is, and the thing I had to do
is I had to stop abandoning myself.
And what that meant for me is I had to start asking myself
what do I want?
I had to look at the shame that I had,
where I felt like I was not worthy.
I felt like there was something wrong with me.
I felt like I wasn't good enough,
and a lot of times what I think empaths and people pleasers
have a pattern of doing
is they're trying to hide their vulnerability,
because vulnerability is,
vulner means wound and ability is the ability,
the ability to go into your wound.
If you have the courage to express yourself to other people
in the most authentic way,
that will cure everything we're talking about right now.
And for a guy that maybe is like an empath, people pleaser,
and has trouble with women or dating in general,
whatever the dynamic is,
they may have trouble actually showing sexual intent
because they don't wanna get rejected.
They're afraid of the abandonment wound.
So something to actually do is to be vulnerable,
to be vulnerable, to actually express yourself
and actually to go into those situations
knowing you could get rejected.
And the same thing with friendships.
Somebody could not be your friend
if you say no to going out to the party or whatever it is,
but guess what?
That's their shit, not yours,
and if they're gonna not be friends with you
because of that,
then maybe it was a surface level relationship anyways.
So we are training people to respond to us
based on how we allow people to treat us.
Moving forward after these three days,
the thing to really look at is what's my stuff,
what's their stuff?
How can I take responsibility for my own energy
and how can I fill up my own cup by being vulnerable,
by being authentic?
And the more you are vulnerable and authentic,
I promise you the more rewarded you will get.
There may be some reflections
that aren't as I guess desirable.
There may be some forms of tension.
Tension isn't bad.
Tension is not a bad thing.
When you're a kid
and your parents treat you a certain way,
it may have been a bad thing.
That's a locked-in meaning
to something that we're now living in our lives,
where we think tension is bad.
So the key is to stop abandoning the self,
to make the choice to be vulnerable,
to put yourself out there,
to have the courage and to hold your own frame.
To hold your own frame simply means
exactly what we've been talking about for two days now,
being in your body.
I did that frame technique,
and I know I told the story in my YouTube videos,
but when I was learning it in Sedona,
I would go to Whole Foods, I'd go on hikes,
and I would just practice being in my body
and feeling the separation between me and other people.
And it was amazing how aware I became
of how often I would say hi to people wanting a response.
Like I used to work that nine to five job
selling woman's shoes,
and my job was to greet people all day long
that were just walking through the store.
Hey, how are you?
It's almost like, hey, can you say hi to me?
Can you acknowledge me?
I want you to buy shoes.
You know, it's like this needy energy.
But the more I would get inside my own body
and realize I don't need anything from anybody else,
I would go out to Whole Foods or I go on a hike
and people, it was amazing the difference in the response.
I was at a seminar once
when I went to the plant medicine thing in Costa Rica
four years ago, and there was a speaker up there
and she was, she had a TED Talk.
She was talking, and she was up there speaking and she said,
"Right now I want the audience to send me energy.
"Everyone send me energy."
And the audience was sending her energy
and she said it made her back up
because the energy is being projected out here
and it was almost repelling her own energy.
Then she said, "I want you to do the opposite.
"Draw your energy back into your body.
"Bring it back inside of you,
"bring it back, bring it back, bring it back,"
and it would literally pull her energy towards you
because every one of you has a magnetic core.
And the more you get in your body,
the more magnetic you are.
The more you get in your body,
the more you can see that's their shit, not mine.
This is my stuff.
And the more empowered you feel,
because then it's not about everyone else's energy.
It's about how do I choose to be in this moment?
How can I be vulnerable?
How can I put myself out?
This video was all about being embodied
and how when you are embodied,
you have the most magnetic energy.
Now starting on July 1st to the 21st,
we're gonna be doing a 21-day Confidence Love Challenge.
So this is for becoming more confident,
for releasing the blocks and releasing the doubt
we may carry within, a lot of times from childhood,
so that we can transform our life from the inside out.
So if you wanna find your frame
and if you want be in your power
and if you want to attract love,
this is the challenge for you.
It's brand new.
If you've joined the Magnetic Love Challenge before,
this is a new one.
So if you wanna join, go to aarondoughty.com/love
or click the link right here.