-Welcome to "The Tonight Show." My name is Jimmy Fallon.
And there's The Roots right there.
It's always good to see The Roots.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this morning, President Trump
called into Fox Business and spent
the majority of the interview attacking different women.
Listen to this.
-What is your reaction to Kamala Harris?
-Now you have sort of a mad woman, I call her.
"AOC" was a poor student.
This is not even a smart person.
I mean, she goes out and she yaps.
Nancy Pelosi is stone-cold crazy.
-Man. Looks like someone woke up
on the wrong side of the MyPillow.
Mad woman, not smart, and stone-cold crazy.
Yeah, he's tough on the phone, but if he really had guts,
he'd say all of that on "The View."
And just to drop a cherry on top of the misogyny sundae,
Trump also sent a tweet calling
"Morning Joe's" Mika Brzezinski a "ditzy airhead."
Seriously, if you had a co-worker
who came in and said that kind of stuff about women,
they wouldn't be your co-worker by the end of the day.
It's like, "Alright, I've insulted everyone here.
I'm just going to get my coat. See myself out."
At this point, our best shot at Trump attacking COVID
is someone telling him the virus ovulates.
If the election doesn't work out,
Trump can always get a job
as the worst Hallmark card writer ever.
[ As Trump ] Happy Valentine's Day
to my suburban housewife.
Please don't become a cold-stone crazy, ditzy, mad woman
who goes out and yaps.
[ Normal voice ] Right now, AOC is like, "I double-majored
in economics and international relations.
You double-majored in elephants and lunch."
Well, despite all that, the president's campaign
now has a Women for Trump bus that's traveling the country.
Look at this thing.
Fun fact -- that's actually the old "Access Hollywood" bus
with a new paint job.
Come on.
Meanwhile, the Wienermobile saw that
and was like, "Well, hello!"
Also in his interview, Trump discussed how Democrats
want funding for the Postal Service,
and he said something kind of alarming.
Listen to this.
-They want $25 billion -- billion -- for the Post Office.
Now, they need that money in order to have
the Post Office work so it can take
all of these millions and millions of ballots.
If we don't make a deal, that means they don't get the money.
That means they can't have universal mail-in voting.
They just can't have it.
-Okay. He just admitted that he's not agreeing to a deal
to fund the Postal Service because he doesn't want
mail-in voting to be possible for the election.
Trump is like one of those movie villains who spends so much time
explaining his plan out loud that the good guy
manages to shimmy out of his handcuffs.
[ As Trump ] First, I'm going to take your body,
and I'm going to put you in the piranha tank.
Then I'm going to get a buzz saw,
and the buzz saw's slowly gonna come.
Right then, the -- He's gone.
[ Normal voice ] Postal workers were like,
"How much less funding can you give us?
We don't even have pants."
No one is happy about this.
Millions of Americans wrote Trump angry letters about it,
but he was like, "Weird.
I didn't get anything."
But this is nice.
When he found out Trump was meddling
in the election himself, Putin was like,
"They grow up so fast."
Speaking of the election, after Joe Biden
announced that Kamala Harris was his V.P. pick,
the Trump campaign was quick to release an official statement.
Yeah, it seems like they can't make up their mind
about how to criticize her.
Check out this ad.
-Hey, Progressives, do you really want
Kamala "Tough on Crime" Harris as your V.P.?
We didn't think so.
And, hey, Moderates, do you really want
Kamala "Not Tough Enough on Crime" Harris as your V.P.?
We didn't think so either.
Look, here's the truth -- Kamala Harris is a radical.
Sorry if that triggers you.
But, at the very same time, she's not nearly radical enough.
Double-triggered much?
Kamala loves unicorns, but she hates horses
with horning growing out of their head.
She thinks kittens are cute,
but she thinks that baby cats are overrated.
She is the yin and she is the yang.
She is anti and she is pro.
She is yes and she is no.
She is boooooring and she is, yowza, too spicy!
Bottom line -- Kamala Harris is
too extreme and/or not extreme enough.
This ad brought to you by the Trump Campaign
For Non-Self Conflicting Messages.
-It was just hard to understand.
Well, even though Trump's spending his time
calling into Fox, I'm sure his administration
is focused on the important issues facing our nation, right?
-The Trump administration wants to change the definition
of a shower head to let more water flow.
President Trump talked about the need
to keep his hair perfect and complained multiple times
that he was not getting wet enough.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪ -No. Wow!
-Wow! First of all, I just want to apologize
for making everyone picture Trump in the shower.
Even more upsetting, he took our top scientists
off vaccine research and put them on this.
He's not getting wet enough in the shower?
Meanwhile, Americans were like, "Shower heads?
We haven't bathed in five months."
Let's get to some business news.
As movie theaters across the country attempt to reopen,
AMC has come up with a way to bring customers back.
Listen to this.
-AMC has announced that it is reopening its theaters
next week, and tickets will be just 15 cents on reopening day.
-Yep. For 15 cents, you can spend two hours
in full panic, wondering if it was worth it.
Should I be doing this?
-Who has a dime and a nickel? -Yeah, that too.
When they heard that, old people were like,
"We're going to go to the matinee
because it only costs a dime," yeah.
-The original what? The nickelodeon.
-Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it is.
They go, "Is this worth it? Should I be..."
All it takes is one person to go...
[ Coughs ] ...and you're like, "I'm out."
Okay, that's it. I'm good. I'm good.
What am I doing?"
In more serious news, I saw that Pringles is now...
[ Laughter ]
I saw that Pringles is now selling a chip that tastes like
a Wendy's Baconator, and they want people
to dip them in Frostys, in their milkshakes.
Take a look at these things. Yeah.
They're actually trying out some new slogans.
Check it out. First, there's...
Next, there's...
Then there's...
Next, there's...
And, finally...
So just be careful when you're...
And, finally, this is going viral.
This "skinny house" in Illinois was just sold for $260,000.
Check this thing out. Look at this. Look at that.
Can we see it again? Put it up again.
Yeah. It's a skinny house. Yeah.
When you put your mail through the front slot,
it just flies out the back.
That house is the only thing in America
that stayed skinny during quarantine.
Right now, every other house on the block is like, "Wait.
Am I fat?"
Yep, the size of the house is just 3 feet wide,
whereas New Yorkers call that a palace.
Ah!