Voters for are not waiting
for the first Tuesday in November
to cast their ballots.
NEWSWOMAN: The record number of Americans taking advantage
of early voting across the country.
NEWSWOMAN 2: In states reporting data,
an unprecedented 57 million ballots have already been cast.
That's more than 40% of the total votes counted
in the 2016 general election.
At one of New York City's premier venues,
longs lines snaking around the Barclays Center in Brooklyn,
while marching bands drum up excitement.
Incredible turnout, to see these lines.
I've never seen this before in my life.
NEWSWOMAN 3: It turns out, Americans don't even have
to be earthbound to vote.
U.S. astronaut Kate Rubins cast her absentee ballot,
with a little help from Mission Control,
from the International Space Station.
I think it's really important for everybody to vote.
And if we can do it from space,
then I believe folks can do it from the ground, too.
Okay, that is super cool.
An astronaut voted in space? Wow.
I mean, it's weird that
she still had to wait in line for, like, ten hours,
but, yo, that is cool!
Also, I don't know if this is the kind of story
that would inspire people to vote
just because an astronaut did.
I mean, it's easier to vote in space.
What do you have? Nothing, no responsibilities, you know?
Down here, we got to work.
We got to check Instagram every ten minutes.
In space, you just float around, you do backflips.
You talk to some guy named "Houston,"
occasionally poop in a bag that's taped to your ass.
You're living the dream!
And guys, I'm happy that astronauts can vote,
but America has to ask itself about its priorities
when it's easier for a white lady in space
to cast her ballot than an old Black lady in Georgia.
I mean, just look at the lines down on Earth.
Have you seen these lines?
The lines look so long. Forget buying new Air Jordans.
Looks like people are lining up to buy Michael Jordan.
I've heard they've only got one,
but I'm hoping they make an exception.
I want to get the baseball version.
But what's amazing is that even with all the long lines,
even with the suppression,
America is still hitting record levels
of early votes.
There were so many early votes
that the president could already have been decided,
and we just don't know it.
It's like the week before Christmas
when your parents had already bought your gift,
and you just weren't allowed to find out what it is.
So it could be a brand-new president,
or... it's the same one as last time!
(crying): I shook the box, and it grabbed me by the pussy.
And with Election Day so close,
the big issue on everyone's mind
is still the coronavirus pandemic,
which is funny, because when you think about it,
this whole year, everyone has been waiting
for an October surprise, and it turns out,
the October surprise is that we're still talking
about the same shit we were talking about in March!
Surprise!
So, with America now seeing
more daily infections than ever before,
and hospitalizations rising in many states,
the two candidates are staking out their positions on COVID-19.
Last week, Democratic candidate Joe Biden announced
that he will push a nationwide mask mandate,
deploy the Defense Production Act
to drive the manufacture of PPE,
and begin testing seven million people each day.
And then, President Donald Trump revealed
his take on the pandemic.
"Boring."
That's all I hear about now.
That's all I hear. Turn on television.
COVID, COVID.
COVID, COVID, COVID. COVID.
A plane goes down, 500 people dead.
They don't talk about it.
COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.
I can safely say
that I've never seen a world leader get bored of a crisis.
Also, it's weird that Donald Trump is saying this
when he's the one still talking shit from 2015.
COVID, COVID, COVID. I'm so bored.
Why isn't anyone talking about Hillary's e-mails?
Keep up with the times, people.
But, hey, shout out to COVID for helping Trump understand
what we've felt for the past five years
every time we switch on the TV and heard his name.
Trump, Trump, Trump, always Trump.
Oh, and by the way, maybe the reason
the news isn't talking about the plane
that went down with 500 people is because
there was no plane that went down with 500 people.
And if you think 500 pretend people dying is big news,
remember that almost 1,000 real people a day
are still dying from COVID, COVID, COVID.
I mean, if you're gonna bullshit us,
at least make the numbers work.
Have a fake airplane crash into another fake airplane
that goes down and crashes into a pretend petting zoo,
and then, the, animals get out
and maul, like, 600 more fake people.
That way, you get close to the COVID numbers for today.
I mean, seriously, how does this president still not get it?
People are still talking about COVID
because people are still dying from COVID.
Imagine if the captain of the Titanic had this attitude.
All anyone is talking about is drowning, drowning, drowning,
as if tonight's not all-you-can-eat shrimp night
at the dining hall.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
If Trump is tired of hearing about COVID on the TV news,
well, there's actually something that he could do about it.
Just turn off the TV.
But even that might not work, because these days,
the news is coming from inside the house.
NEWSWOMAN: This morning, concerns
of another coronavirus outbreak at the White House,
after five of Vice President Mike Pence's associates,
including his chief of staff, test positive for COVID-19.
NEWSWOMAN 2: His chief of staff Marc Short
was with the vice president on every campaign stop last week,
including Friday night at a rally in Ohio.
Short now in isolation and experiencing symptoms.
Pence's body man, a personal assistant
who accompanies him virtually everywhere,
a political aide who recently traveled
with Pence on Air Force Two, along with two other staffers.
But CDC guidelines call for a 14-day quarantine
after exposure to the virus.
A spokesman saying Pence will continue to travel as planned
"in accordance with the CDC guidelines
for essential personnel."
Critics say campaigning for office
does not qualify as essential.
Wow. Vice President Mike Pence,
the head of the Coronavirus Task Force,
has COVID all over his office.
This is like finding out that The Flash came in second
in a marathon.
I don't care what African country that guy was from.
You're supposed to be The Flash!
Although, I mean, technically,
this is one way to keep track of COVID-19.
You know what they say.
Keep your friends close and the coronavirus even closer.
Honestly, though, people, I'm not mad at Pence.
I'm just disappointed in him.
Because I get Trump not following the rules.
We know he can't read.
But don't tell me
that Mike Pence can't follow strict protocols.
I mean, that dude's rules
about being around women are more complicated
than the rules for meeting the queen.
Again, I apologize, Your Majesty.
I thought you were trying to chop my neck off
so that you could become Highlander,
and that's why I fought you.
Now, if Pence hasn't caught corona,
this is actually some really good information
for us to learn about the virus,
because now we know that you can get the virus
if you're breathing the same air as someone who is positive.
But you clearly can't catch the virus
if you spend all your time kissing that person's ass.
And it's wild that even after he's been exposed to the virus,
Mike Pence is still going to campaign. Yeah.
I mean, it's a terrible idea,
and honestly, I think it'll backfire
because who the hell is going to a rally with Mike Pence
if that might give you coronavirus?
And yeah, I know people go to Trump rallies
after he got COVID, but that's Trump.
His rallies are fun. That's worth getting corona for.
No one wants to get corona from Mike Pence,
especially because he already makes you feel
like you have corona.
Yeah, you know, after he talks, you're exhausted,
it's hard to breathe, and you just want to lie down.
But turns out there's actually a very good reason
that the White House isn't following guidelines
for preventing the spread of the virus.
They just don't want to.
And the White House sounds like they are admitting
that they have given up on trying to stop the spread
of coronavirus.
Chief of Staff Mark Meadows telling CNN:
"We are not going to control the pandemic."
Here's what we have to do.
We're not going to control the pandemic.
We are gonna control the fact that we get, uh, vaccines,
therapeutics and other mitigation...
Why aren't we gonna get control of the pandemic?
Because it is a contagious virus,
-just like the flu... -Yeah, but why...
Interesting.
So the plan is to just let coronavirus spread freely
throughout America?
It's interesting how Zen Trump's people are about this.
You know? Because with an immigrant child
who came over the border, they're like, "Zero tolerance!
One is too many! We have to deport!"
But with a virus that's killing
hundreds of thousands of Americans, they're like,
"Look, man, the virus is just trying to make a better life
"in our lungs.
Who are we to stop it?"
But yes, you heard that right.
The Trump administration is basically surrendering
to the coronavirus.
I mean, they're not using the word "surrender,"
but admitting that they're not gonna control the pandemic
is basically surrendering.
In fact, we actually have the tape of Trump himself
personally surrendering to COVID-19.
ANNOUNCER: It's over!
After eight months of bitter fighting,
this morning, President Trump surrendered America
to the coronavirus.
I got to hand it to you, coronavirus.
You outsmarted me,
and you outwitted me, also.
America is all yours.
Why don't you guys just wear masks?
No, thanks. I'd rather just surrender.