I love working with kids. I love being a dad. What is it that causes depression
in children? Let's take that on today together.
What causes depression in children?
I'm feeling, as I approach this topic today, to just share with you some
of my experience. You know that I'm a psychologist, my early career was focused
on child and adolescent and family psychology and that includes parenting
and that's why we've put out a lot of videos on this channel related to those
kinds of topics. My practice has morphed and changed into a positive
psychology practice where I make videos and I speak a lot and I write books and
my heart still goes back to my roots where I started with kids, child
psychology. I remember a time when this was early on, I think I was in my
graduate program of BYU and I got assigned to work on a unit at the Utah
State Hospital where children, little kids, some of these kids were three, four,
five years old up to about 11 or 12 and then they'd move on to another unit for
adolescents and all their kids but I remember on this children's unit, at the
state hospital, these kids had been sent there for a variety of reasons, some of
them had depression. Now depression is very, may I say uncommon, in children.
Actually, the statistics put it at about 2% to 3% of the population of kids under
the age of 12 have a diagnosable depression. Now there's a whole lot of
other kids who have sadness or you know, typical maybe signs or symptoms of
depression but it doesn't reach the level of a clinical diagnosis. These kids
at the State Hospital were severely compromised, a lot of them had been
abused severely. I'm sharing this with you because what causes depression and
children? Children are naturally joyful, that's been my experience.
If they are mistreated or abused, it steals from them their opportunity to
have a joyful experience and it's one of the precursors for depression. Not all
children who are abused become depressed but it is a very high correlation
between some kind of mistreatment or neglect that they experience in early
childhood and even if they don't become depressed as kids, sometimes this
contributes to depression later on in life. Those things aren't fun to talk
about but let me go back to something that I just mentioned because kids are
naturally joyful. I remember when I was working at the State Hospital, this
little guy, we'll call him Kevin, this little guy, he's four or
five years old maybe and he's running up and down the halls and he's pretending
that he's a police officer and he comes whirring up behind me and he's got his
little siren going and I turn around and he says, "Hey, mister!
Stop right there, you're getting a ticket." I said, "Well, why are you giving me a
ticket?" "Cause you're walking way too fast." This kid is basically incarcerated in a
state facility for severe problems and his family as an environment still his
nature is playful and joyful and I love that about kids. I think if we could
become more like them, we might have a more joyful experience as well. Now let
me tie this into something that I've learned about depression and I've
learned this not just from kids and adolescents but from adults in over two
decades of clinical experience. There is a belief that is at the root of
depression, okay. We call it a depressionagenic belief and the belief is this, my
worth, my value can change. Now that may have surprised you. You might think the
depression is caused by believing that you're worthless, well that's a version
of this belief that your worth, your value can
change, it can go up, it can go down, it can be high, it can be low. That belief
causes depression. Now let's tie that into what we know about children because
they are busy learning about this world all the time and where are they going to
learn it? From The big people, from the people they interact with on a daily
basis particularly their parents but it could be other caregivers or people
in their world who are teaching them things. What one thing could we teach our
children that would fortify them against depression? If you believe what I'm
saying about this belief, this depressionagenic belief, what we want to teach
them is that their value is fixed and permanent, they can't make it go up, they
can't make it go down and that value is great. Now parents normally get this, you
look at your children, what are they worth. Wow. Can you see the infinite value
that's there in those kids? Now do they get it? Do they understand that their
value is great? Do you? Because where are they going to learn it? What if you
personally are struggling with this idea that maybe your value or worth could
change? Now that's something we may want to talk about but look what it does to
our kids as they start to pick up on that, as they see mom looking at the
mirror and saying, I'm just ugly or fat. Alright?
Now mom is convinced in her own mind, oh yeah, it's true. Right? But what about the
daughter over there in the corner watching this? What about the son who's
noticing that dad hates himself. Why would dad hate himself? Well, because his
value is in the toilet, right? I'm talking to you very authentically right now
because I didn't want to get into all of the statistics and everything that
causes child depression. I want to get right to the heart of this thing. It's a
belief that your worth can change. What if we could teach our children that it
is fixed and it is great and we start by believing that ourselves and if you're
struggling with believing that, then maybe there's some other conversations
we need to have and maybe you learned it, wherever you learned it. I mean, we come
by this stuff honestly but this is almost epidemic that people get into
this mindset that somehow they need to be a better person. I'm not saying that
we should stop trying to improve, there's always something you can do to show up
in a way that is is more influential and powerful in this world that is more
joyful that has you experiencing life at a richer level. Yeah, not talking about
that, I'm talking about your value, your core worth, it's fixed, they can't change
and that's what we need to teach these kids. I have found that even kids who
have gone through some of the most difficult things that you can imagine. As
long as they get centered on that belief that their worth is great and that it's
fixed, they do okay and they can be very resilient. I think that's the answer. Now
that doesn't sound very psychological but from an old psychologist who's been
doing this for a couple of decades, that's kind of what it comes down to.
I think we can help our kids best by showing them that they are always great.
Our job is to love them no matter what and even if so as I share with you some
tips and techniques about parenting, I'm going to come back to that again and again.
Your job is to love them no matter what and even if so that in our approach to
them in our parenting, we're not sending the message that, oh, you're a good boy if
you do what I say, you're a bad boy if you don't, see, your worth can change. No,
he's a great boy no matter what and his own level of happiness is going to change
based on what he chooses to do. So we're going to tie it to the behaviors and the
principles, not to his value and worth. The words that we use matter, okay. And if
we are to say good boy, bad boy for example, that's just an example of
something that is really common and I don't want you to feel guilty or bad or shamed
because you've used that with your kids but just notice that that implies some
value for that person, okay. So instead, we tie it
to outcomes and consequences so they can see. Yeah, my choices matter, I get to have
more or less happiness and joy depending on what I choose, doesn't change my worth.
That's subtle, it's also powerful and I think that's at the core of what we're
talking about with childhood depression and depression in general. Here we are
trying to help our kids. I think they could help us a lot too
as we learn from them how to have a more joyful life. I hope you're having a
joyful life. I'll see you tomorrow.