[APPLAUSE] - Welcome back to the show.
Many things make this country great--
chicken fries, porn stars willing to testify
about their sexual encounters with our president, and
of course, our armed forces.
Allana Harkin has the story of how one veteran found
himself embroiled in a war he didn't sign up for,
the war on drug.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): Everyone supports our veterans.
We shower them with everything from photo ops
to promises, to more promises while doing photo ops.
And we're going to take care of our veterans.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): Great.
Maybe you can start by giving them something
that they've been begging for.
We need access to medicinal cannabis.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I am not a stoner.
It's medicine.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): This is combat veteran Jose Belen, who
served for 14 consecutive months in Iraq
and returned with severe PTSD.
The nightmare started, the anger, the depression,
thoughts of suicide.
When did you realize that cannabis was actually
going to help your PTSD?
Well, I went to the VA.
And the pills turned me into this angrier version of myself.
But once I started using cannabis,
it just allowed me to function and think clearly.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): The American Legion
found that 83% of veteran households
want to legalize this medicine, which could be
an effective treatment for PTSD, epilepsy,
and may even help stem the opioid crisis.
But according to the government,
there is no medicinal value to cannabis.
So it makes it impossible for the VA to give us access.
They just want to keep it locked up.
Who wants to keep it locked up?
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): Oh, right.
This fucking guy.
If I was sick, I wouldn't suggest you take
marijuana to cure yourself.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): Well, you're not my doctor, you dipshit.
A little history.
Pot has long been classified by the federal government
as a schedule I drug, the same as heroine.
[DRAMATIC HIGH-PITCHED SOUNDS]
And the best thing our last administration did
was to look the other way and not impeach
the guy from the Choom Gang.
But now, polling shows widespread bipartisan support
for legalization.
And the one person who could quickly make that a reality is
Attorney General Jeff Smeagol.
Good people don't smoke marijuana.
So what is Jeff Sessions' war against cannabis?
We're apparently all hippies and stoners.
Or he said to someone, "Hey guys.
What's that smoky thing?
Can I try some?"
And they said, "No.
We hate you."
And he now hates everybody--
Everybody.
--who smokes weed.
I really would like to sit with him here today at this VFW
and say, you know, what the fuck is your problem?
Just as a little bit of advice,
I don't know if you should lead with "what
the fuck is your problem?"
Look, there are so many Americans
that deserve access to this.
This is not a veteran-only issue.
There's children involved, terminally ill patients.
Sounds like a cross-section of America.
That's what it is.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): Right.
It's pastors and grandmas and people of color.
OK, that last group might not convince Jeff.
Hey, what's happening?
Medical cannabis came into my life
near the end of my football career.
I helped a little girl in my congregation.
It was hundreds of seizures a day.
Our fourth son had an accident that put him in a wheelchair.
He's a paraplegic.
When I was fresh off of a couple
of battle buddies having attempted suicide.
African Americans have been disproportionately
affected by the war on drugs.
He looked at us from his wheelchair and said,
Mom and Dad, marijuana is good for me.
I was claimed in the local paper as "the unexpected pastor
for pot."
I've never prayed so hard for elections
as I did for Trump to win.
But I'm very disappointed with Sessions.
And I don't mind saying so.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): This was the perfect brigade
to invade the DOJ and change Jeff Sessions'
mind about the devil's lettuce.
We're going to need to know where this is.
[LAUGHTER]
Generally have to go quite a lot.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): But if we were
going to do battle with the DOJ, these recruits
needed to be trained.
[DRUMS]
I am Allana Harkin and you are in a "Full
Metal Jacket" parody.
Our lawyer told us that no one would
be sued if no actor from the source material
appears in a cameo.
Ma'am, yes ma'am.
[GASPS] Oh my god, Matthew Modine.
What are you doing here?
I just wanted to be here and support our veterans,
make sure they're getting the best possible health care.
I'll allow it.
Thank you, ma'am.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): It took untold minutes
of sweat and tears.
What are you looking at, you heroic slob of social good?
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): But pretty soon, this ragtag battalion
of vets and allies was raging towards the front gates
of the DOJ to politely storm the security guards.
We were hoping to have a meeting with Mr. Jeff Sessions.
Unfortunately, we can't allow anyone in.
I came from Houston, Texas.
The drug war is the most racist thing we have done
in this country since slavery.
And it tears me up that we have done it.
People just can't just show up--
Tell him we say hi, at least.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): Time to unleash
hell, the hell of a furious seven-way conference call.
[DIAL TONE]
WOMAN (ON PHONE): Hello.
You've reached the Department of Justice.
Hi.
We just wanted to talk to Jeff Sessions for a moment.
WOMAN (ON PHONE): Oh--
no, I'm sorry.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): OK, they asked for it.
This is Jeff Sessions' nana.
Is he available?
[DIAL TONE]
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): They fell right into our trap
because nothing is more effective
than a poison-tongued letter.
Dear Jeff Sessions.
No, no.
I think we should use Beauregard.
Matthew Modine, what are you doing here?
Well, I think we should all write a letter.
ALLANA (VOICEOVER): You know what?
My new boyfriend Matthew Modine is right.
We all should mail Jeff Sessions a letter.
And if you're too young to have ever mailed a letter,
we'll teach you how at samathabee.com/reefersanity.
It's time we go to war for all the Joses who are
willing to do the same for us.
For me to not be trusted with a plant, I don't understand.
You know, I would die 10 times over for every single American
in this country.
Kellyanne Conway?
Hey, she's an American.
Jared from Subway?
He's an American too.
Olive O-Town?
Olive O-Town.
Wow.
You are a hero.
[LAUGHTER]
We'll be right back.
[APPLAUSE]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]