WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: SO HERE WE ARE.
HERE WE ARE, TRUMP WAS NOT REMOVED FROM OFFICE, WHICH WE
NEVER REALLY THOUGHT HE WOULD BE.
SO WHAT NOW?
WITHER THE REPUBLIC, SOME PEOPLE FEEL THAT NOW THERE IS GOING TO
BE NOTHING TO HOLD HIM BACK.
TRUMP UNLEASHED, OFFER THE RAIL, A, THAT'S NOT A LEASH, IT IS
JUST A REALLY LONG TIE.
AND B, THERE WERE NEVER RAILS.
NOT EVEN THOSE LITTLE BUMPERS THEY PUT IN FOR KIDS TO BOWL,
NOTHING.
BUT TRUMP'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
AND THIS MORNING TRUMP BEGAN HIS TOXIC VICTORY SHAMBLE AT THE
MOST APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR VENGEANCE, THE NATIONAL PRAYER
BREAKFAST.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THE PRAYER BREAKFAST IS THE ANGRIEST
MEAL OF THE DAY.
TRUMP CLEARLY HUMBLED BY HIS IMPEACHMENT, BEGAN WITH A VERY
CONTRITE FIST PUMP.
HE REALLY SEEMED TO, YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT.
HE WANTS TO CHERISH THAT MOMENT, MAKE IT LAST FOREVER.
LET'S GIVE THAT TO HIM.
JIMMY, CAN WE LOOP THAT, PLEASE?
(LAUGHTER) YES, THERE HE IS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THERE HE IS, HE IS REALLY, REALLY JUST MILKING THE
MOMENT.
NOW DO NOT REUSE THAT FOOTAGE FOR YOUR OWN FILTHY PURPOSES, DO
NOT.
BEFORE THINGS GOT STARTED TRUMP CONTINUED HIS GLOATING BY
HOLDING UP A NEWSPAPER WITH THE HEADLINE "ACQUITTED" THIS IS AN
HISTORIC MOMENT.
WE REMEMBER LIKE HARRY TRUMAN HOLDING UP THE PAPER SAYING
"SUCK IT DEWEY."
THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER OF THE BREAKFAST WAS A MAN NAMED ARTHUR
BROOKS WHO HAD AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE OF FORGIVENESS.
>> MY FRIENDS, THAT IS THE THEME OF THIS BREAKFAST TODAY, LOVE
YOUR ENEMIES.
>> Stephen: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENTS.
AND SO APPROPRIATE FOLLOWING THE DEVICIVE IMPEACHMENT.
THE PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED THAT WITH THIS.
>> ARTHUR, I DON'T KNOW IF I AGREE WITH YOU.
BUT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ARTHUR IS GOING TO LIKE WHAT I AM GOING TO
SAY.
>> Stephen: SORRY, I'LL A LITTLE HOARSE RIGHT NOW BUT WHEN
I'M AROUND SO MANY CHRISTIANS THE DEMON JUST POPS OUT, YOU
KNOW.
FACTUS SUM SICUT HOMO SINE ADJUTORIO INTER MOTUUOS LIBER.
SO NOT A LOT OF LOVE AND FORGIVENESS AT THE PRAYER
BREAKFAST, SPECIFICALLY TOWARD UTAH SENATOR MITT ROMNEY SEEN
HERE AFTER ONE CHOCOLATE MILK.
(LAUGHTER) ROMNEY WAS THE ONLY REPUBLICAN
WHO VOTED TO CONVICT TRUMP AND HE JUSTIFIED HIS DECISION BY
CITING HIS OATH TO GOD.
TRUMP ALSO ATTACKED NANCY PELOSI WHO SAID SHE PRAYED FOR HIM AND
HERE IS HIS TWO-FER ATTACK.
>> I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR FAITH AS JUSTIFICATION FOR
DOING WHAT THEY KNOW IS WRONG.
NOR DO I LIKE PEOPLE WHO SAY, I PRAY FOR YOU, WHEN THEY KNOW
THAT THAT IS NOT SO.
>> Stephen: WAIT, HOW CAN HE KNOW WHAT SOMEONE IS REALLY
PRAYING.
OH NO, DID HE GET THE RUSSIANS TO HACK GOD!
(LAUGHTER) BUT, JUST HAD A MENTAL IMAGE
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR ANYBODY, GOD HAS SEEN ALL THE
PEEPEE TAPES.
NOW EVEN WHEN THE PROMPTER TOLD TRUMP TO TALK ABOUT HIS FRIENDS
HE COULDN'T HELP BUT BRING UP HIS ENEMIES.
>> FOR THIS CHERISHED TRADITION ARE A LOT OF FRIENDS IN THE
AUDIENCE.
THAT AND THE ENEMIES AND THE ALLIES.
AND WE HAVE THEM ALL.
WE HAVE ALLIES, WE HAVE ENEMIES, SOMETIMES THE ALL AYE-- ALIS
WITH ENEMIES BUT WE JUST DON'T KNOW IT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE PARANOID BUT TRUMP SAYS
HE IS A CHRISTIAN AND HE IS JUST ECHOING THE LORD'S WORDS AT THE
LAST IS UPPER.
TRULY I TELL YOU, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME, AND ST MITT
ISCARIOT, GET HIM!
THEN TRUMP FORGOT ABOUT THE PRAYER THING ALL TOGETHER AND
JUST LAUNCHED THE RAMBLE ON THE MOUNT.
>> OUR UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS ARE THE BEST IN THE HISTORY OF OUR
COUNTRY.
WOMEN, BEST IN 71 YEARS SO, WE'LL YOU HAVE THERE SOON, SOON
IT WILL BE.
>> HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE WOMEN.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU DO HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE WOMEN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) USUALLY THAT IS PART OF THE
SETTLEMENT.
NOW TRUMP'S PERFORMANCE WAS SO IN APPROPRIATE THAT EVEN FOX
NEWS SUMMED IT UP AS TRUMP SLAMS OPPONENTS AT NATIONAL PRAYER
BECK FAST.
THAT IS THE WORST PRESIDENTIAL HEADLINE SINCE NIXON DROPPED
DROP KICKED BABY PANDA AT NATIONAL ZOO.
TRUMP'S PITY PARTY MADE ANOTHER PIT STOP.
SHORTLY AFTERNOON TODAY IN EAST ROOM OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
TRUMP CLAIMED THAT EVERYBODY HAD IT IN FOR HIM FROM THE VERY
BEGINNING.
>> WE HAD THE WIMP HUNTS, IT STARTED DPSH-- THE WITCH-HUNT,
IT STARTED FROM THE DAY WE CAME DOWN THE ELEVATOR.
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T AN ELEVATOR.
EVERY ONE KNOWS IT WAS AN ESCALATOR, FOR PETE SAKE.
YOU WERE RIDING ON IT!
YOU WERE ON THE DAMN-- HA HA.
WE GOT YOU NOW, MR. PRESIDENT.
THE WHOLE THING WAS A WEIRD EVENT.
IT WAS, WHEN YOU WATCHED IT YOU WEREN'T SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF IT.
YOU COULDN'T PIN DOWN EXACTLY WHAT THE THING WAS.
AND EVIDENTLY THE PRESIDENT AGREED.
>> AND THIS IS REALLY NOT A NEWS CONFERENCE, ST NOT A SPEECH.
IT IS NOT ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: THIS, THIS AIN'T NO PARTY, THIS AIN'T NO DISCO,
THIS AIN'T NO-- THIS AIN'T NO FOOLIN AROUND.
THE POINT IS I'M A PSYCHO KILLER AND I'M BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE.
NOW-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE DURING WARTIME, IT'S LIKE DURING
WARTIME.
SINCE THIS IS A WHITE HOUSE EVENT IN THE FORMAL EAST ROOM,
TRUMP WAS AT HIS MOST PRESIDENTIAL.
>> FIRST ONE THROUGH, RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA.
IT WAS ALL BULL [BLEEP] >> Stephen: WOW, I KNOW I
WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT FOR YOU PEOPLE AT HOME, WE HAD TO
BLEEP THAT LAST WORD.
BECAUSE CBS HAS HIGHER STANDARDS THAN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WE CAN'T, WE CAN'T, I CAN'T, WE CAN'T, WE
CAN'T BROADCAST STUFF LIKE THAT.
THAT IS WHY THE NEW YORK HAD TO CHANGE THE TITLE OF THE NEW HIT
SITCOM BOB [BLEEP] ABISHOLA.
(LAUGHTER) AND PEOPLE AT HOME ARE LIKE I
WOULD WATCH THAT.
EVEN THOUGH, EVEN THOUGH IMPEACHMENT IS OVER, HE COULDN'T
RESIST TALKING ABOUT THE YOU KRINNIAN PHONE CALL.
>> THINK OF IT.
THE PHONE CALL.
A VERY GOOD PHONE CALL.
I KNOW BAD PHONE CALLS.
>> Stephen: OH, I'M SURE YOU DO, MR. PRESIDENT.
THEY ALWAYS START WITH, I SWEAR I'VE NEVER MET HER BEFORE.
AND THEY END WITH, OKAY WHERE DO I SEND THE CHECK.
THEN TRUMP IT UP COMPLIMENTED-- (APPLAUSE)
SURE, WHY NOT, WHY NOT.
>> Jon: THE PEOPLE VOTE.
>> Jon: BIG FANS-- .
>> Stephen: THEN TRUMP COMPLIMENTED ONE OF HIS BIGGEST
DEFENDERS IN CONGRESS.
>> WHEN I FIRST GOT TO KNOW HIM JIM JORDAN.
WHEN I FIRST GOT TO KNOW JIM I SAID HUH, NEVER WEARS A JACKET.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
HE IS OBVIOUSLY VERY PROUD OF HIS BODY.
>> Stephen: JIM, WHAT'S THAT LIKE, I ISN'T SEEN MY JUNK SINCE
1986.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THING IS -- IS EVERYTHING GOOD?
TRUMP KEPT TALKING ABOUT JIM JORDAN'S RECORD.
MAYBE EVEN MORE THAN JIM JORDAN WOULD LIKE HIM TOO.
>> THIS GUY.
SO HE'S THE NCAA MEETING A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS
IN COLLEGE, WRESTLING CHAMPION, NCAA, THAT MEANS IN ALL OF
COLLEGE, YOU ARE THE CHAMP, YOU ARE THE BEST.
HIS RECORD WAS RIDICULOUS.
NOBODY COULD BEETD HIM.
>> Stephen: JIM WRESTLED HARD AND HIT THE SHOWERS.
YOU CAN LOOK IT UP, JUST DWOOGEL JIM JORDAN, WRESTLING AND
SHOWERS.
YOU WILL LEARN EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT JIM.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.