Sometimes, you witness the power imbalance
play out in front of you
between the genders in a grotesque fashion.
Of course, when I say "the genders,"
I am only speaking of two
of the several hundred that now exist.
I would like it to be clear where I stand.
I have no problem calling anybody
anything they wish to be called.
It is no burden on me.
You can identify as a shoelace if you want to.
And I will call you Zippedy Zim-zir
if you ask me to.
Do I think it's a little silly?
Yeah. But so is badminton, and that's an Olympic event.
You know? So...
Here's what happened.
I was shooting a movie a few months back,
and one day, we wrapped up kind of early from filmmaking.
It was late afternoon.
And I walk off set,
and I notice there's a bar across the street.
I go, "I'm gonna walk into this bar,
have a drink, go back to the hotel."
Simple enough, right?
I walk in, I see a woman seated at the bar,
doing what I can only describe as weird shit.
If you're like, "What do you mean, Tom?"
Well, I think there's a normal spectrum of behavior
that you see from one seated at a bar.
You know, if you see them seated there,
you might see them go like this,
or, like, "Hey,"
or maybe even...
Hahaha haha.
This lady is seated at the bar, and she's going...
I'm like, "Is she making fudge?
What is she doing over there?"
I also noticed it late.
Like, I noticed it as I'm walking past it.
That happens sometimes, right?
Like you walk, you see something
as you're passing it.
You're like, "That's some crazy shit,"
and you keep walking.
And then you're like, "I need to see that again.
I don't know how I'm gonna see it again."
Now I'm dead center,
and I see that a woman, to be clear, is in public,
4:30 in the afternoon,
and she is sitting there fucking...
Peeling her potato. I don't know. Um...
Playing with her pussy.
You know what I'm trying to say.
And she is not hot, if you're wondering.
If you're like, "Was she super hot?"
No, she wasn't.
And because of that, I tattletaled immediately.
You know what's up. So...
I go to the bouncer. I go, "Excuse me.
That not-model over there...
is diddling herself at the bar."
And this big, yoked dude looked, and he goes...
I go, "Yeah, talk to her." And he goes, "Mm-mm."
I'm like, "Excuse me?"
He goes, "I don't want anything to do with that shit."
I'm like, "I don't think anybody does.
There's a woman masturbating at the bar."
He's like...
Like he's put out by my outrageous request.
He's like, "All right, man, Jesus Christ."
So he gets up, he walks, like halfway there, turns around,
he goes, "Yeah, I couldn't do it, man."
I go, "You have to."
So he calls over the hostess.
This cute little 22-year-old that's like, "What's up, guys?"
He goes, "Handle that."
She's like, "Okay."
She goes over there, super polite,
which is fucked up...
considering the circumstances.
I can't hear her,
but I can read her body language.
She's like, "Hi."
And she's like, "Everybody can see you."
And then she goes, "Stop it.
Stop."
And she goes, "You promise?"
Then she goes, "Thank you."
And she comes back, and she goes,
"She's stopped."
I'm like, "She finished, or she stopped?"
She goes, "She stopped."
And I go. "Okay."
I'm like, "Wait, is she allowed to stay?"
And she goes, "Yeah."
I go, "Why?"
And she goes, "Because she stopped."
I go, "I'm sorry, would I be allowed to stay...
if I was just sitting at your bar,
just kind of toying with the top?
You know, like...
Would you tap me on the shoulder
and be like, 'Excuse me.
Will you put your leaky dick back in your pants?
Thanks. You want some chicken fingers or a Sprite
or something?'"
I say, "You'd call the SWAT team,
and they would rappel into the building.
Someone would crack my fucking head
on the side of the bar,
and you'd have a parade as my corpse was carried out."
And she goes, "You're right about that."
Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know.
I don't jerk off in bars.