- This one's my favorite
and it makes my son giggle like a bitch.
It's fantastic.
What does a 500 pound canary say?
- Here, kitty, kitty. (laughs)
- Man.
- A joke?
- Wait, hold on.
Shit.
- Do I know any good jokes? (laughs)
Actually, no, I don't.
(laughs)
- Okay, so.
- Humpty Dumpty fell on the wall
and did he get back up?
I don't know.
- Oh god!
I'm terrible.
- I like to listen to jokes,
but not to tell jokes
because I don't remember them.
- Your mama so ugly
that she's really your daddy.
Your real mama is his mama.
- Okay, so.
- What's a ghost's favorite car?
- A boo-gati.
- Did you hear the one about the chick
who went swimming with the nine guys?
She came back with a big red snapper.
- Knock, knock.
- Smell mop.
- That's nasty.
- What goes oom-oom?
A cow in reverse.
- What do you call a 98 year old man
who can still masturbate?
Miracle whip.
- My mom tells me there's one weirdo on every bus.
I never see him.
- Knock, knock.
- Anita.
- Anita Dick.
(laughs)
- My credit score.
- My life.
(imitates rim shot)
- What did the five fingers say to the face?
- Slap! (laughs)
- Hmm, okay.
- Why did the bicycle fall over?
He was too tired.
- Why does a hummingbird hum?
'Cause it doesn't know the words.
- My dad used to tell the same joke.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
- Beer nuts are a $1.49 and deer nuts are under a buck.
He would laugh every time.
Not so much us.
- What do you call a cheap circumcision?
- A rip off!
(laughs)
- What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Damn.
- What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh. (giggles)
- What does a fish smoke?
Seaweed.
- Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
- He worked it out with a pencil.
- Did you hear about that new medical condition, ligma?
- Lig-ma balls.
- These.
- Where do you bury someone with OCD?
In a symmetry.
- What do you call a resting cow?
Ground beef.
- What did the frog do to the piece of paper?
Rip it.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Wait, should I say in English?
- What did one ant say to the other ant
when he broke up with his girlfriend?
(laughs)
- What is the difference between a snow woman and a snowman?
Snow balls.
- I don't know, it's a knee slapper to me.
- There was a few more.
- What did one book say to the math book?
You got problems.
- What do you call a discordant of songbirds?
A cacophony.
- Do you wanna play the rape game?
- That's the spirit.
- What does Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
- So what do they call?
- What do you call?
- A pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's R but it's the C.
- That's so corny, I'm sorry.
- What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
- I-lick-a-lot-o-puss.
- So this guy and this girl are on a date,
and they walk past a pond.
And the pond's full of swans.
And the woman turns to the man and says,
"I gotta tell ya, did you know I can talk to animals?"
And he's like, "I gotta see this, prove it."
And so she goes, "Hey, swan, fuck you."
- What do you call this?
- I don't know but here it comes again.
(laughs) I just love that.
- Why was the little strawberry crying?
- His mom was in a jam.
- Knock, knock.
- Irish.
- Irish you a merry Christmas. (laughs)
- Guess what?
- Chickenbutt!
- Knock, knock.
- Yo mama.
- Okay, so there's this woman.
- A joke?
- I don't really know jokes.
- No, there better not be.
I'll fuck a mother fucker up over Michael Jackson.
- Why was six scared of seven?
- Because seven ate nine.
(laughs)
- It's a knock knock, but you have to start it.
- Who's there?
- Why did the fat kid drop his ice cream?
- 'Cause he was hit by a bus.
It's called an anti-joke.
It's not supposed to be funny.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water?
- It might take a while for me to get hard,
'cause I just got laid last night.
- How many...
Light bulbs does it take to screw?
- I'm trying to remember which way it goes.
- Knock, knock.
- Orange.
- Oh, I messed it up.
- I'm so good at sleeping I could do it with my eyes closed.
- How do you get a nun pregnant?
You dress her up like an altar boy.
Oh shit.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying?
- He never lands.
- What's the difference between
an oral and a rectal thermometer?
- The taste.
- Why did the boy fall down?
- Because he had no legs.
- What did Batman say to Robin
as Robin was standing outside of the Batmobile?
- Get in the car, Robin.
- Your mama's so.
- Fat,
when she jumped in the Grand Canyon she got stuck.
- What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?
- Bubblegum.
- That was a good one, honestly.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown,
one turns to the other and says,
"Does this taste funny?"
- Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
- 'Cause he only comes once a year.
(laughs)
- What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A virgin mobile.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
- I have one.
- What is brown and has holes in it?
- Swiss shit.
- That came from a Laffy Taffy.
- I don't do, like, a set up and a punchline joke.
- So I was watching the weather channel the other day
and they said it is 78 degrees,
but it feels like 82.
So doesn't that just mean it's 82?
What does feels like mean in weather anyways?
Let me tell another joke.