-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. -[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, today is Cyber Monday.
-[ Cheers ] -Yes.
It is the day when millions of people shop online,
so basically Monday.
[ Laughter ]
Everyone shops online.
Seriously, I haven't been to a store since "Avatar 1."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Cyber Monday is a great way to get ahead of
your holiday shopping, and then every gas station gift card rack
is like, "We'll see you on the 24th, alright."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, it's Cyber Monday,
the busiest online shopping day of the year.
-Yeah. Yeah, I can't believe I had to come to work today.
[ Laughter ]
-What's that, Tariq?
-I observe Cyber Monday.
It's very important to me.
I think I should get it off.
-Tariq, we've never taken off for Cyber Monday.
It's not a real holiday. -No, no.
It says it right here in my contract.
I get to take off for the holidays I observe.
-What are those?
-Cyber Monday.
Toyota-thon.
[ Laughter ]
Happy Honda Days.
Prime Day, both summer and fall.
Shark Week.
The Lexus December to Remember.
4/20.
Chevy End of Summer Clearance Events.
Walk About Wednesdays at Outback Steakhouse.
[ Laughter ]
The last day in April so I can post that meme of
Justin Timberlake singing ♪ It's gonna be May ♪
-[ Laughter ] -Oh, July 4th. May the 4th.
Actually, I'll just take off the fourth
of every month to be safe.
Whenever a new "Yellowstone" spin-off comes out.
Presidents' Day.
Vice Presidents' Day.
Speaker of the House Day.
Free Cone Day at Dairy Queen.
Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's.
Free Cone Day at Haagen-Dazs.
David Cone Day at Yankee Stadium.
Cinco de Mayo as well as seis, siete and ocho de Mayo.
Most Thursdays.
The Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas.
-[ Laughter ] -The anniversary of that time
Fabio was riding the roller coaster and he got hit
in the face with a bird. -[ Cheers and applause ]
-And of course my entire birthday month.
You cool with that?
-Sure. Take off all the days you want.
-Great. See you in 2024, buddy.
-Alright, Tariq.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Got a lot of -- -Had his suitcase ready.
-Got a lot of stickers on his suitcase.
-He travels the world.
-Well, guys, this is our first show back since Thanksgiving.
Did everyone have a nice holiday?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm happy. Thanks. I'm glad you did.
Do you ever invite people over for Thanksgiving who end up
bringing their weird friends with them?
Apparently, that's what Kanye did to former President Trump.
-[ Laughter ] -Did you guys see this?
Trump had dinner at Mar-a-Lago with Kanye West
and a well-known white supremacist.
Seriously, you know these are crazy times when Trump is only
the third most problematic person at the table.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, President Biden and his family spent Thanksgiving
in Nantucket where they reportedly talked about whether
Biden should run for a second term.
Yeah, it's just like your Thanksgiving.
Everyone spent the whole time talking about whether or not
to go back for seconds. -[ Laughter ]
-It was a pretty intense conversation.
Let's just say there were a lot of words
that rhyme with Nantucket.
[ Laughter ]
And I saw that while he was in Nantucket,
Biden did some Black Friday shopping.
You know Biden had to get his shopping done on Black Friday
because there was no way he was figuring out
how to buy stuff on Cyber Monday.
He's like, "What's my password again?
Whipper snappers?"
Oh, and everyone's talking about this.
while Biden was on vacation, he took a selfie with some kids.
Did you see this? Some kids were looking through
a window, they saw him and then, he thought it would be funny
to take a selfie with them, but people are saying
it's coming off a little creepy.
Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
It looks like the kind of photo they analyze on "Ghost Hunters."
You know. Is he real?
Can we see that again? Do you have that photo?
[ Laughter ]
It looks like a poster for the second season of "The Watcher."
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news, this is exciting, I heard that next year
Americans will get to vote in the Eurovision Song Contest.
[ Audience oohs ]
Although I'm already having trouble
understanding the system.
Check out this confirmation text
I just got today. It said...
[ Applause ]
Well, get this. A woman in Florida is suing
Kraft Heinz because her microwavable Velveeta macaroni
allegedly took longer to prepare than the label on the box said.
[ Laughter ]
Velveeta was like, "Phew, I thought you were going to sue
because the box said real cheese."
[ Laughter ]
Guys, and finally, before we go, I'd like to take a moment
to thank some of our sponsors for tonight's show.
They don't always fit in the commercial breaks and we want to
make sure we mention all of them.
So it's time for "Tonight Show Sponsors."
Here we go.
-♪ Tonight Show sponsors ♪
♪ Tonight Show sponsors ♪
-PetSmart.
Do you have a ponytail and wear cargo shorts?
If so, the lizards are that way.
[ Applause ]
DraftKings.
Come on, your kids don't need to go to college.
[ Applause ]
Adobe. Hey. Hey. Hey you.
Hey. Hey. Hi. Hey you.
Hey, it's time for another update.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Vizio TVs.
Are we a good brand? Who knows?
But look! Big!
[ Applause ]
Oreo Thins -- Just like regular Oreos,
but you're allowed to eat 30 of them.
[ Applause ]
Fruity Pebbles.
Look, kids, it's based on your favorite cartoon from the '50s.
[ Applause ]
Sharpie -- In your hand for a moment, on your hand forever.
[ Applause ]
Pringles.
Come for the chips, stay because your arm is stuck in the tube.
[ Applause ]
And finally, Marshalls, somehow flying under the radar
while T.J. Maxx takes all the heat.
That's it for "Tonight Show Sponsors."