You may know Vladimir Putin as the authoritarian leader of Russia, but he is also the most
macho man to have ever machoed on this puny little planet that HE calls Earth.
A man so hot, he can never ice fish because he melts the Siberian snow!
He is the Alpha, and we are all the Betas.
For this list, All Things Top 5 looks at the Top 5 Putin’s guide to manliness!
In the end, men want to be Putin, and women want to be with a man like Putin.
Number 5 Tiger King!
Before there was Joe Exotic, the original Tiger King of murder, mayhem, and madness
was Vladimir Putin, sans mullet.
In 2008, Putin tagged a Siberian Tiger while visiting a tiger reserve in eastern Siberia.
Conveniently the tiger that was held captive just so happened to escape right when Putin
was standing near a tranquilizer gun and near a crowd of reporters.
Media reports claimed that he intervened with a swift shot from the tranquilizer gun and
saved the camera crew from becoming a bag of Meow Mix.
Unshaken by the event, Putin then proceeded to measure the teeth of this people-eating-jungle-feline.
Coincidently, despite having a gaggle of media reporters, no video evidence exists of this
heroic event.
According to environmentalists, the tiger was driven several hundred miles from a zoo,
tranquillized, placed in a snare, and forced to lie in wait while the infamously tardy
leader got to the site.
Once Putin got his Make-A-Wish Foundation highlight video, the tiger was taken back
to the zoo where it died days later from being tranquillized 3 times for the PR stunt.
Meanwhile, politicians in the US just shoot their best friends in the face by mistaking
them for quail.
Number 4 Chuck Putin!
Putin’s martial arts skills are the stuff of legend.
We all know he’s quite the sportsman, but did you know his fists are also considered
deadly weapons?
Thanks to a steady stream of flattering coverage from Russian state media.
During a trade visit to Japan in 2003, Putin took time out from his busy schedule to kick
Japan’s rice eating ass in its own sport of Judo.
Putin suited up and showed everyone his version of the various sweeps and throws like a child
dropped off at karate class by his mother.
Putin is also the only world leader with a special sweeping hip thrust called the harai
goshi.
Putin also released an instructional martial arts video called “Let’s Learn Judo with
Vladimir Putin”.
How good is this video?
Let the video with its drum-and-whistle battle call speak for itself!
In 2014, an international karate organization awarded him a ninth-degree black belt for
his work promoting a form of full contact karate in Russia.
He was made a grand master of taekwondo by the World Taekwondo Federation after a visit
to South Korea, even though he doesn’t practice the sport.
Putin now ranks higher than martial arts expert, action movie star, and total gym spokesman
Chuck Norris.
Number 3 Moscow FD!
In 2010, when wildfires ravaged Russia, Putin didn’t appear in front of a camera to tell
the Russian people everything is going to be all right!
No!
He appeared in front of an amphibious aircraft to put the fire out his damn self!
Originally a passenger, and with no known pilot training, Putin’s natural instinct
kicked in and he took the copilot’s seat to fight the natural disaster head on.
He flew the plane directly at the fire and beat the flames into submission.
Television footage showed him pushing a button to unleash 24 tons of water on two of the
hundreds of blazing wildfires.
After hitting the button, Putin glanced towards the pilot and asked “Was that OK?”
The response?
What would be an extraordinary day for us mere mortals was just another day in the life
of Vladimir Putin.
Number 2 Vladimir Gretzky!
Hockey is a grueling, full contact sport where players body-check each other and often fight.
Yet, every time Putin steps into the rink it turns into a game of grab ass.
In fact, it becomes so laid back, Putin can sit on the bench and drink some coffee.
Putin reportedly scored eight goals in one exhibition game in 2019, where he ummmm “skillfully”
skated around defenders as if they were traffic cones and fired pucks past goalies who showed
very little effort in trying to make saves.
The only hard hit in that game came from the rink itself when Putin took his victory lap
around the arena in celebration of his near triple hat trick and skated over a red carpet
and tumbled to the ground.
Two of Putin’s teammates tried to catch him but the Russian leader fell before they
could reach him.
The fall inspired a fury of posts on social media mocking Putin and his authoritarian
rule, and jokingly suggesting that someone would pay dearly for their role in the mishap.
We hope it was just the carpet that paid the ultimate price.
Before we get to number 1, remember to subscribe to All Things Top 5 and ring the bell to be
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Number 1 Vladimir Cousteau!
In 2011, Putin discovered ancient Greek urns while diving in the Black Sea.
While descending to the great depth of 6 feet in crystal clear water, Putin spotted something
apparently everyone else failed to notice for centuries – a pair of ancient, moss-covered
vases sticking out of the sand.
Rather than handling the supposed sixth century artifact with great care, Putin is seen removing
them from their shallow grave with his bare hands.
Putin came up for air holding fragments of what were said to be ceramic jugs from ancient
Greece.
When he got to the shore to share his harrowing tales of treasure hunting, and like many times
before, a throng of photographers just happened to be there.
And with a s--t eating grin, Putin shows off to the world the treasure that he and he alone
was able to find!
Putin’s claim quickly crumbled after critics pointed out that the probability that the
treasures had been hidden in plain sight in 6 feet of clear water for more than 2,500
years seemed quite slim.
A few months later, a spokesman admitted that the stunt was a hoax and the fragments were
found earlier by archaeologists and placed there for Putin.
We can only assume this spokesman has accidently fallen out of a 10-story window.
Do you agree or disagree with our list?
Does watching Vladimir Putin make you feel like less of a man?
Comment below and watch our other videos and subscribe to All Things Top 5!