Hey guys, welcome back to The Parenting Junkie.
The place to go to love parenting, and for
parenting from love.
And today, I'm excited to talk to you guys about another favorite
topic of mine, which is independent play.
I've been getting a lot of questions about:
"How can I encourage independent play in my kids?" and firstly, I just want to say that
obviously a million things go into this equation.
Such as your child's temperament, your own
temperament, your physical set up, and what you're getting your child used to, what expectations
you're setting.
But I do think that there are plenty of ways as parents that we can
actively encourage and facilitate independent play.
I also think that the importance of
independent play is two pronged.
Really, on the one hand we have the importance for the
child, learning to focus on their own chosen task at hand and entertain themselves.
Not
in the sense of not being a nuisance to other people, but in the sense of fulfilling their
own inner worlds and pursuing their own inner interests - is critical for the child's development,
for their sense of self worth and agency.
So really independent play encourages autonomy
and a kind of centered, intrinsic, internal sense of value and meaning.
And the second
prong is because in our modern lives we're not living in a clan, we don't have so much
support and as parents this is something that we really need for our children to do.
And
that is by no means a bad thing.
We often need to make supper or have a shower or clean
up or whatever it is that we have to do, take a phone call, and if our children are so dependent
on us that they cannot play alone for a few minutes then that is going to be the basis
for a very stressful household for any parent.
So none of this is a mathematical equation.
It's not a science, it's an art.
And it ebbs and flows, it comes and goes.
Kids sometimes
need our attention more and sometimes less, depending on all the other things that are
going on in their lives.
And that's fine.
But generally here are some ideas and some
guidelines that can set the stage so that independent play becomes a mainstay and something
that your children can go back to again and again and of course it will develop and evolve
with their development.
The first thing that you can do is set up the right type of playspace.
And for this I refer you to my playspace design video.
But I'll give you some extra tips here
that are really related specifically to facilitating independent play.
The first thing is you do
not want any toys that play for your child.
That means most battery led toys.
So toys
that make noises, toys that dance and sing, toys that entertain, it's actually a paradox
maybe, or a contradiction.
Because we think 'Oh, if this toy entertains my child it will
keep them busy and they'll be independently playing.'
But in fact, what it gets the child
used to is the fact that they don't need to initiate and create and imagine into a toy
and create their own world.
But rather, a toy is going to play for them and they can
be passive.
The more passive they are, the less they stretch that muscle of imagination
that all children are born with and that we sometimes knock out of them through behavior.
So really that's the first thing.
Making sure that the toys that you have are passive toys
that the child can imagine into again and again.
And I'll refer you also to my '10 Toys
to Get Rid of Now' video, the Simplicity Parenting video, to see which toys facilitate that type
of play.
The second thing is, and this relates to the first thing, be conscientious about
how much entertainment is available in the house.
That means screens.
I don't think that
screens are an evil.
I think they're necessary for a 21st century life.
Our children are
going to need to learn how to use screens, be it games or videos, as a wonderful tool
of this day and age.
But I also think that screens can infringe upon our children's ability
to entertain themselves, because often screens promote passivity.
So what I would recommend
here is possibly having a screen in a different space than your play area so that there's
a mental disconnect and a visual disconnect between playing, where I'm the initiator and
I'm creating my own imaginary world, and when I'm interacting with the screen is a separate
activity.
And also separating the timing, so maybe having a consistent time of day or
time of week where you allow screens, when the rest of the time the screen is not available
so that you can again create that disconnect so that your child isn't distracted by the
screen or the TV right there.
Certainly do not have a TV just running in the background
because that is very distracting to any child who is trying to play.
And on the subject
of entertainment I want to point out that when you yourself play with your children
you can train their muscles for independence.
And what this means is that you do not take
lead in the play.
You follow their lead and you're as passive as possible without being
disconnected or detached.
But some level of detachment can be healthy when you're playing
with your child so that they understand that play is their work.
This is something that
most children do understand intuitively, and want to do and have a drive to do, they want
to play as much as possible.
But we, through our behavior and through our responses to
them can sometimes teach them that in fact there is a right way to play.
Or that I am
pleased when you play in a certain way.
Or that I will initiate the play and I will drive
the play and you are passive in that process.
So we want to make sure that when we're playing
with our children we let them take the lead.
And we can step out as gradually as we like
but making it so that they are the initiators.
So another form of entertainment is often
the parent's involvement.
Us giving praise, or us getting involved or us commenting.
Don't
entertain your child when they're playing.
Let them be the initiators.
You are, at most,
a co-creator of their imagination.
You're kind of like their assistant but you are not
the director of the movie.
That is them.
That is their role, this is their work.
Another
important thing about the space that you create when it comes to promoting independent play
is that the space needs to be a safe space, I mean childproof.
It needs to be age appropriate
so that your child can stay there by themselves and you can leave them.
This is something
that will give you more opportunities for self care and for getting housework done or
whatever so that you know your child is in a safe space.
If you are constantly hovering
and telling them 'You can't touch that' 'Don't go there', 'Careful of the step' or whatever
- then you're not going to be able to promote independent play.
Because you're constantly
going to be getting involved.
The next thing you want to look at in the space is the toys
themselves.
So we've spoken a lot about simplifying the space, having less toys around which is
a really important point when it comes to independent play because if they are overwhelmed
they will disconnect.
But another important thing is having age appropriate toys.
So toys
that stimulate your child and interest them, but toys that aren't too difficult.
If you
have puzzles there that your child simply can't do, they might just get frustrated and
give up and expect that they can only play if mommy is there to help them.
Or if someone
is there to help them.
That's why the toys can be slightly challenging, you know if your
child is only just starting to put train tracks together then that's fine - and of course,
there is no one right way to play.
It's fine if they use the train tracks as blocks and
not as train tracks.
But if your child is trying to create something and they can't
do it without you, you know if the lego pieces are too small for their hands to manage, then
they're going to get frustrated and they're going to keep calling you over.
And that will
be reenforced when you come over you put it together for them.
Which is why it's so important
that the toys be toys that they can manipulate on their own without you.
The next point might
be the most important point of this whole video.
And here, I really want to talk about
your expectations.
The expectations that we set of our children, are often the expectations
that they meet.
If we expect that our child should be able to play and focus for hours
on end by themselves then that is the message that we will be sending through our body language,
through our tone of voice, through the way that we set up their space.
And they will
receive that message and live up to it.
If our expectation is that they're going to be
constantly 'bugging' us or that we're going to be annoyed or that they're going to need
our help then that is the expectation they'll meet.
So I'd like you to do a little bit of mental work to understand what it is that's stopping
your child from playing and is part of it your own expectation.
Now if you tell a child: 'Go and play!'
angrily.
Or you're annoyed at them and you're trying to get rid of them because they're a nuisance,
then playing is not a very attractive thing for that child at that moment.
Playing is a way of their parents getting rid of them.
That's almost painful.
It becomes a form of punishment.
Play is your child's birthright.
Independent, immersed, autonomous play is their birthright.
This is something that they were born to do and that they can enjoy doing and beg to do
as much as possible if that is the tone of the house.
So you need to set that tone.
You need to show that this is an obvious thing that your child will want to do.
And an obvious thing that you can facilitate and allow.
And you do that by all of these things that we're discussing, but first and foremost by
the intention that you set within your own self.
You may well want to consider keeping your playspace near to you.
I've discussed this in previous videos, but many children will not go down to a basement
or up to their room or out to the garden by themselves.
And that makes evolutionary sense, they want to be close to their caregivers.
So if they're within earshot of you or if they can see you that might actually encourage
independent play.
So this is not about leaving a child alone, this is about leaving their play alone.
Leaving their play up to them, so that you're not involved in it.
Imagine yourself sitting on the couch reading a book while they're playing next to you.
Or doing your work at the desk.
Or cooking in the kitchen while they're playing.
That's the type of independent play we're going for at the young ages.
As a child gets used to that and separation is healthy, then they are able to take more
distance.
Physical distance, from you.
But to begin with at least it doesn't mean that you have to be physically distant.
It just means that you need to be uninvolved in their play and let them lead it.
Very important in the play space is that the children be able to manipulate the storage
on their own, and possibly clean up on their own as well, if this is something that you
want in your own home.
storage bins that are too big, too heavy, too difficult to open and close are not going
to promote independent play because, again, they'll be calling you over for help all the
time.
So having a small amount, but an appropriate mix of toys available to them in a way that
they can reach is going to promote independent play.
On the point of setting your expectations - you want to be cautious about your tone
of voice and the words that you chose when you discuss play.
So instead of making a whole long speech: 'Now I'm busy, you need to go play by yourself,
don't disturb me' etc. etc.
I would keep it as light and airy as possible.
'You can play now'.
'Lunch is done, you can go play.'
or 'Would you like to play a bit before bath?'
Just something that is an easygoing thing, a choice that the child has control over - they
can chose not to do it, of course.
But not something that you are putting pressure on or expectations on.
In his book 'Free to Learn', Peter Gray talks about the importance of independent play.
And he talks about the idea that children, for the most part, have their happiest and
most fulfilled moments of flow when they are immersed in play, by themselves.
Where no one is watching them or evaluating them.
Generally speaking, evaluation and monitoring inhibit intrinsic interest and satisfaction.
What that means is that if you are watching your child and offering praise or feedback
for the way they are playing, or even commentary, that will inhibit the independent play.
So when your child is immersed in something, my number 1 rule is: Do not interrupt.
Do not even make eye contact.
Allow them that flow, allow them that concentration, without somebody - yourself - disturbing them.
In order to do that you really need to have a very strict rule that when a child is plying,
everybody tiptoes around the house.
Nobody talks to them until they are done.
This is the equivalent of someone who's writing a novel, and you keep coming over and saying:
'Oh I like that paragraph.
I like how you did that.'
or 'That looks great!
Look at you, working so hard!'.
It's the most annoying thing anyone can do when you're really in the deep flow of important
work which is what children's play is.
So please, if your child is playing, even just for a few minutes, or just for one minute,
don't say anything.
Do not evaluate.
And this leads me to the next point which is that praise, as I just said, inhibits intrinsic
satisfaction and meaning.
Which means that if you tell your child that they're playing so beautifully or that you
love how they're playing alone, look how they gave mommy so much time by herself - that
is actually going to minimize their interest in playing by themselves.
Do not praise it, do not reward it, certainly don't punish it, this is not an emotional
exchange.
This is a birthright that your child has and you just need to allow it to happen without
disrupting it.
And the same goes for all controlling behavior on your part.
Telling your child what to play with or how to play with it - there is no correct way
to make a puzzle, or to build a train, you don't know what kind of creative concepts
your child is concocting in their brain when they combine the lego with the playmobil or
put it in some way that might be a new and interesting creation.
That doesn't mean you should praise it, it just means that you shouldn't get involved
and control it.
This is not about teaching, this is about your child's independent processes of exploration
and learning through tactile and imaginary play.
Which means that you do not want to be mentioning that 'That's the color red!'
or that 'That's the letter A' or that what they're doing is so lovely or so awful or
incorrect or correct- don't!
Just don't get involved, don't talk, allow them to play.
You never know what a child is working on, allow them the space to play however they
want to play.
To do that, create a safe space, with toys that they can manage, that isn't overwhelming,
that is close to you, where they can manipulate their storage, and the clean up.
And then, most importantly - leave it up to them, do not interrupt.
And if you want to kind of ignite some free play, instead of saying 'Why don't you go
and play' you might just want to open a box and leave out a toy.
Possibly a toy that they haven't seen for a while, novelty often attracts deep interest
and independent play.
So if you suddenly put out the magnatiles that they haven't seen for a month and just
leave it there, without saying anything - you'll see the magic unfold.
One more point on this is about siblings.
If your child has a young baby or an older sibling that disrupts their play, that interrupts
them, you might want to consider creating a space that is safe for them where no one
can interrupt.
Not you, their sibling or a pet.
If someone keeps breaking what they're building or moving the pieces that they're in the middle
of using, they can get very frustrated and they will give up on the independent play.
So protect them as much as you can, if it's putting what they're playing with up on the
table so that the baby can't reach and they can sit at the table, or in a different room,
or using a baby gate, consider this the holy work of the child, that really is his sanctuary
to be protected and preserved by us, the parents.
Did you like this video?
I really hope you did.
If you did I would love it if you could share it with all your friends, that would just
be fabulous.
It would mean the world to me if you subscribe to the channel and if you have some tips on
how to cultivate independent play in children, I would love to hear them.
The best place to have that conversation is over at www.theparentingjunkie.com so head
on over there now and leave a comment I love to hear from you guys.
Keep on loving parenting, and parenting from love, because your kids need you almost as
much as you need them.