Secret time, one time my dad shit his pants
in a Banana Republic, secret time.
Swear to God, the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday
or brown Friday as we call it.
But religion came up with Petunia recently.
My wife and I were talking about cute things
that Petunia could be involved in and I said,
"Oh, what if we got like a biblical painting done
with Petunia in it."
And my wife was like, "Oh, that would be so cute.
"We should do like The Last Supper."
And I was like, "Oh my God, that would be so cute.
We should do all different French bulldogs
as the different apostles."
And my wife was like, "Oh, and we should have Petunia
in the middle where Jesus is in front of the turkey."
And I was like, "Wait, what did you just say?"
Did you say, the turkey?
And my wife said, "Yeah, why?"
And I said, "Oh."
I said, "Would you just answer me one question?
"Do you think
that in da Vinci's The Last Supper
that Jesus of Nazareth
is sitting in front of a turkey?"
And my wife said, "Yes, I do."
And I said, "Thank you for your honesty.
"Just one more follow-up question.
So then, what do you think they're celebrating?"
"What do you think those guys are celebrating?"
And she was like, "Okay, I get it.
I don't get this shit 'cause I wasn't raised Catholic
and I'm fucking glad I wasn't
"cause it's a fucked up organization."
I said, "Oh, no, no, no, we all know that."
"But what do you think those guys are celebrating?"
And my wife looked at the floor
and then she looked at me and said, "Thanksgiving."
He goes, "Oh, I'd love to have your job."
"All you gotta do is get drunk as fuck and tell secrets."
Secret time, my dad hit me when I was a kid, secret time.
Secret time, one time my dad shit his pants
in a Banana Republic, secret time.
That's true, that's actually true, 100% true.
Swear to God, the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday
or brown Friday as we call it.
We go to Banana Republic, I grab a sweater
and a leather jacket.
The sweater's for him, I get in line and I go,
"Yo, watch my kids."
He's like "All right."
Then he comes back without my kids.
I go, "Where are my kids?"
He's like, "Fuck your kids, buddy, we got a problem."
I was like, "What?"
And he goes, "I think I'm gonna shit my pants,
"what do I do?"
I was like, "Stop making eye contact with me, stranger."
And then he shit his pants.
And I saw it happen in his eyes.
Just, (gasps) I shit my pants!
He makes a beeline out of B Reps.
My mom and my wife come up and they're like,
"Where's Dad?"
I was like, "Dad just shit his pants."
My mom jumped on it like a soldier.
She was like,
"Someone get him a new pair of khakis, 38-30"
"I'm gonna go find him."
I was like, "Does this happen a lot?"
I promise you, give us a solid eight days
you will see results.
Because we don't care, we just want things to work.
Imagine harnessing the power of Asian people
in government.
Oh my God!
All the Asians in government
just going down a list of broken things,
fixing it one by one with no agenda,
just pure logic, right?
Just going down the list, live long and prosper.
That's fine, that works, that's pretty good.
Separation of powers is awesome.
That works most of the time, that's okay.
That's okay, that's fucked, that's fucked.
Environmental Protection Agency's fucked,
Medicare's fucked.
Do your fucking job, just slapping people in the face.
Every nine months in this country
there's like a congressional gridlock.
Everyone always threatening a government shutdown.
Government shutdown?
Yo, there's no government shutdown
with Asian people in charge.
We don't shut down for anything.
Yo, we don't shut down for Christmas,
do you understand?
We work through public holidays.
Any city in America when it's 3:00 a.m.
and you're hungry, where do you go?
You go to Chinatown, that's where you go
because things are affordable, delicious,
and open.
Does that sound like a country you want to live in?
We don't shut down for anything.
Thanksgiving means nothing to me.
Do you have any idea how meaningless
the concept of Thanksgiving is to me?
Fuck turkey, it's dry.
Yeah, I'd rather fix healthcare
than eat turkey, how about that?
Is that someone you want in charge?
Please, vote for the Asians when you get a chance.
We'll work while you're eating.