I mean, if you want to see child
abuse-- see, y'all don't have it up
here.
But in the Midwest,
if you want to see child,
you want to learn how to tighten
your son or daughter go to Walmart.
(audience laughing)
Oh, man.
I was in the Walmart the other day,
this little boy I don't-- little
white guy, nice-looking young man.
He's grabbing candy so fast
because he's got a wall of candy
around.
You know they got the candy,
and he's in sugar heaven.
And he's grabbed the candy so fast,
I thought he was a brother at first.
(audience laughing)
They didn't get that joke last week,
did you?
You see, it's hipster idea.
Look at you, what's he talking about?
(audience laughing)
I thought he was a brother at first.
(audience laughing)
Now, stay with me because this is
going to come quick.
You ready?
Are you ready?
I went up to him and said, "You've
"got enough.
"You are going to get
"us both caught."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I've been there man and--
I'm going to take my hat off
to white moms, I'm so proud of you.
I take my hat off because y'all used
to have a thing called time out,
which is the stupidest thing I have
ever heard.
The child kill somebody,
he gets to go in the corner
and think about it.
(audience laughing)
But white moms now, you aren't
kidding no more.
Y'all are worse than sisters.
(audience laughing)
Who hits their child with a shopping
cart?
(audience laughing)
A mad white woman will.
I seen it.
This lady, she was trying--
she was trying to talk
to the children.
But when they covered by sugar,
they can't hear.
He was seeing the sugar
and she's in there trying
to explain, "Honey, don't.
"Please, don't.
"You sit in the car, you're always
"acting like this.
"Why don't you stop?"
And then, and then something
happens.
(audience laughing)
It's so deep, even big Black people
go, "Get off that white woman, see.
"You got to get back, see?
"No, I don't see everybody play
"with her."
(audience laughing)
When they snap, you can hear it
in their voice.
When white women have had it,
and I mean, they take it to the end.
They go, "I have had it.
"You're just like your daddy.
"He thinks he can touch anything
"he wants to too.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
"When I tell you to put that candy
"back, you will put that candy back!"
(audience laughing)
Are you all right, honey?
You all right?
Pull the mask down so you can get
some air.
(audience laughing)
I pull up to the lady
and said, Listen, I don't mean
no harm.
I think little Johnny is dead.
(audience laughing)
"ou wedged his head into the
snicker bar.
How are you going to get them nuts
out of his nose?
(audience laughing)
Discipline.
Spanish women ain't playing either.
Any Spanish woman in the house?
Listen, y'all have a thing called
the Chantakla?
- Chankla.
Let me explain to the White people,
it's a flip-flop.
I had to talk to this side
of the room.
(audience laughing)
They're getting everything.
Listen, you know how you walk
through the thing and sometimes
when you walk away with your basket,
it just seems like in Walmart you
go in slow motion.
(slow motion swoosh)
I'm walking and I don't know-- this
little--
I don't know the language that you
use I can tell when you said they
get whooped.
(audience laughing)
See, I know that language.
It sounds the same in any language.
She was like, (babbling)
I couldn't believe it.
I'm walking now,
and she's doing this.
This happens between two aisles.
She goes, "I'm not playing
"with you."
(audience laughing)
Threw the flip-flop in the air,
grabbed the little boy, pulled
his pants down, grabbed a flip-flop.
Bam, bam, bam!
Threw it back up, pull his pants up,
grabbed the flip-flop, bam, grabbed
him and dragged him down the aisle.
(audience laughing)
Discipline, discipline.
(audience cheering)
Discipline, we ain't playing
with you people. no more.
(audience laughing)
How are you doing?
Are you having a good time?
[Audience] - Yes!
- Are you ready to have a good time?
(audience cheering)
- ♫ I know you won't leave me.
(audience cheering)
Old school.
You know, I was glad to see you come
in because I saw all
these young people who know nothing
about life.
(audience laughing)
See, I see,
I got brotherhood members giving
this sign right here,
we're in the brotherhood.
You know what that means?
We have stayed with people we can't
stand.
(audience laughing)
That's so you could go off and get
an education, to come home and live
with me.
(audience laughing)
You look good, some of you.
(audience laughing)
I see some of y'all coming out like,
woo!
My comedy is about bringing people
together.
I think it's time for us to try
to come together,
I think it's time for everybody
to have fun.
Everybody got stupid people.
I know some Black people I'd like
to give to the Russians
as a show of good faith.
(audience laughing)
Shut up, get on the bus,
they're going to love you!
(audience laughing)
You don't have to wear a face mask.
(audience laughing)
I know some trailer parks.
We need to build a wall around them,
build a wall around them.
And people don't ever need to come
out, build a wall around them.
(audience laughing)
This is how you come together.
Man I was up there watching you
and I said, they look good.
They look like they're ready have
a good time.
Woo hoo hoo!
I just had a birthday,
can I share it with you?
My age is going to freak you out.
I'm 64 years old.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
64, just had a birthday,
I'm excited.
You see, you get
excited because things change when
you get older.
Young people don't know what I'm
talking about.
You get older, things change.
Do you remember when you could
remember things?
(audience laughing)
Do you remember when you knew
exactly where it was?
Now you're doing this,
I just had it.
(audience laughing)
I just-- you start yelling at people
in the house.
Well, cut that music down.
That's why I can't find what I'm
looking for.
(audience laughing)
You start getting mad about stuff
that's got
nothing to do with you're doing.
Cut-- you know money don't grow
on trees, cut them lights out.
I can't find what I'm looking.
You're just like your mama,
I'm tired of this.
(audience laughing)
You get older.
Enjoy youth, enjoy being young
and jumping around and having
a good time.
Because one day is going to come
where you will not have oxygen.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
How can you be hurt
from a good night's sleep?
(audience laughing)
Have you ever woke up
to a good night's sleep?
You just go on to the bathroom
and you're hip go, I ain't going.
(audience laughing)
You got a drag over here.
Get out of the bathroom,
I'm going to pee on whoever's
in there.
This is my house.
(audience laughing)
Your urine got no control no more.
(audience laughing)
It's funny.
You use the bathroom,
you wash your hands,
you think you're good,
you walk there's a rain shower going
on.
You've got to go back
to the bathroom now,
pull your pants down and you just--
(audience laughing)
You get old and things just change.
You're going to get
some new friends,
they're going to be called aches
and pain.
Let me tell you.
Have you ever lost your keys
at the last second and freaked out?
You looking for your keys.
Got to have my keys,
I don't know why I--
just had they keys.
I'm not playing, son.
So you start yelling.
I'm like, I can't find,
I can't find my keys.
I'm not playing!
I need my keys.
Every time you all are always
picking up something in his house.
I'm sick of this!
My son, Anthony
came down the stairs
because he's worried about me,
high blood pressure tension.
He said, "Daddy, Daddy,
"what's wrong?"
I said-- and I didn't know what
to say because you start crying.
You get that?
You do?
My son said, "Daddy stop tripping.
"They're in your hands."
(audience applauding)
I'm a disciplinarian,
I believe in discipline.
I believe that we've got a group
of kids out here today,
you know what I'm talking about.
I believe in discipline.
And if we don't come together
on discipline,
we will lose a whole generation
of kids.
I'm so glad my mother spanked
my butt, she saved me.
My mother's Southern Baptist,
you know what that means?
She will call on the name
of the Lord to kill you.
(audience laughing)
And he helps her.
(audience laughing)
How long can you do this?
(audience laughing)
My mother's favorite saying
is "I'm sick and tired."
Because the house is always--
You know, when you've got kids
in the house, you will go crazy
trying to keep the house clean.
"I am sick and tired."
And then she'd make this face
and look around,
"I am sick and tired."
Does anybody have a stupid brother
or sister in their family?
(audience laughing)
Listen, my brother would say,
"Next time she say that, I'm going--
"next time she says sick, I'm going
"to say and tired."
I begged him, I begged him.
Don't do it, don't do it.
Don't do it, don't--
Because she stayed mad at my daddy,
don't do it.
My mother gave me a kick off,
she said, "I am sick--"
my little brother slid
across the pool
like he was Tom Cruise, stopped
in front of my mother and said,
"And tired."
We ain't seen him since the day.
I was downtown today looking
for him, I thought maybe
he's working at the bookstore
in Provo.
(audience laughing)
Woo!
(audience laughing)
See, we had the kind of parents who
would make you go outside and get
a switch to beat yourself.
And you got to, "go out there and get
"me something to beat you with."
And you couldn't come in
with no little switch, my mother
go get a tree.
"I'll show you.
"You think I'm playing with you,
"do you think I'm playing?"
(audience laughing)
Until I was 13, I thought my mother
was a ninja with a switch.
(audience laughing)
Discipline, you got to have it.
Before I came here,
I went to Walmart to--
I live in by the way,
I live in Wisconsin.
I'm from Wisconsin,
I'm from Oshkosh, Wisconsin.
Thank you.
Only two people, the rest of you
"go back!"
Anyway--
(audience laughing)
I like this section because you all
just look like y'all came
in on the little yellow bus, follow
Suzy.
(audience laughing)
Sandra, pull your panties up,
they're falling down.
This side of the room is cool.
They just-- yeah!
I don't care.
(audience laughing)
Oh, OK.
You know when-- in terms
of discipline, if you don't know how
to work your child,
and don't get me wrong,
I'm talking about good discipline.
I'm not talking
about abusive discipline.
I'm talking about just a little butt
whooping every now and then.
I'm talking about "you better hear me
"when I'm talking."
I'm not-- "you are eight years old,
"I'm not explaining nothing to you."
(audience laughing)
"You're your Mama's fault.
"Say something else.
(audience laughing)
"She never listens to me."
(audience laughing)
I mean, if you want to see child
abuse-- see, y'all don't have it up
here.
But in the Midwest,
if you want to see child,
you want to learn how to tighten
your son or daughter go to Walmart.
(audience laughing)
Oh, man.
I was in the Walmart the other day,
this little boy I don't-- little
white guy, nice-looking young man.
He's grabbing candy so fast
because he's got a wall of candy
around.
You know they got the candy,
and he's in sugar heaven.
And he's grabbed the candy so fast,
I thought he was a brother at first.
(audience laughing)
They didn't get that joke last week,
did you?
You see, it's hipster idea.
Look at you, what's he talking about?
(audience laughing)
I thought he was a brother at first.
(audience laughing)
Now, stay with me because this is
going to come quick.
You ready?
Are you ready?
I went up to him and said, "You've
"got enough.
"You are going to get
"us both caught."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I've been there man and--
I'm going to take my hat off
to white moms, I'm so proud of you.
I take my hat off because y'all used
to have a thing called time out,
which is the stupidest thing I have
ever heard.
The child kill somebody,
he gets to go in the corner
and think about it.
(audience laughing)
But white moms now, you aren't
kidding no more.
Y'all are worse than sisters.
(audience laughing)
Who hits their child with a shopping
cart?
(audience laughing)
A mad white woman will.
I seen it.
This lady, she was trying--
she was trying to talk
to the children.
But when they covered by sugar,
they can't hear.
He was seeing the sugar
and she's in there trying
to explain, "Honey, don't.
"Please, don't.
"You sit in the car, you're always
"acting like this.
"Why don't you stop?"
And then, and then something
happens.
(audience laughing)
It's so deep, even big Black people
go, "Get off that white woman, see.
"You got to get back, see?
"No, I don't see everybody play
"with her."
(audience laughing)
When they snap, you can hear it
in their voice.
When white women have had it,
and I mean, they take it to the end.
They go, "I have had it.
"You're just like your daddy.
"He thinks he can touch anything
"he wants to too.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
"When I tell you to put that candy
"back, you will put that candy back!"
(audience laughing)
Are you all right, honey?
You all right?
Pull the mask down so you can get
some air.
(audience laughing)
I pull up to the lady
and said, Listen, I don't mean
no harm.
I think little Johnny is dead.
(audience laughing)
"ou wedged his head into the
snicker bar.
How are you going to get them nuts
out of his nose?
(audience laughing)
Discipline.
Spanish women ain't playing either.
Any Spanish woman in the house?
Listen, y'all have a thing called
the Chantakla?
- Chankla.
Let me explain to the White people,
it's a flip-flop.
I had to talk to this side
of the room.
(audience laughing)
They're getting everything.
Listen, you know how you walk
through the thing and sometimes
when you walk away with your basket,
it just seems like in Walmart you
go in slow motion.
(slow motion swoosh)
I'm walking and I don't know-- this
little--
I don't know the language that you
use I can tell when you said they
get whooped.
(audience laughing)
See, I know that language.
It sounds the same in any language.
She was like, (babbling)
I couldn't believe it.
I'm walking now,
and she's doing this.
This happens between two aisles.
She goes, "I'm not playing
"with you."
(audience laughing)
Threw the flip-flop in the air,
grabbed the little boy, pulled
his pants down, grabbed a flip-flop.
Bam, bam, bam!
Threw it back up, pull his pants up,
grabbed the flip-flop, bam, grabbed
him and dragged him down the aisle.
(audience laughing)
Discipline, discipline.
(audience cheering)
Discipline, we ain't playing
with you people. no more.
(audience laughing)
Losing their minds.
Black women don't care where they
are when you make them mad.
They are already mad.
They kill for that on TV,
but I'm telling the truth.
There's something happened,
somebody that made me mad
as I'm going home.
I saw a mom.
Oh, she looks so nice.
And I like it when your kids look as
good as you do.
Some of these people
got kids that just look like-- they
look fat
and the kids look like refugees.
(audience laughing)
You seen this, haven't you?
And you feel so sorry,
but you can't say nothing.
Not at Walmart, you might get shot.
You don't say nothing, let them walk
right by you.
Let the guy
with the purple and pink hair
walk right by you
just like you don't see it.
(audience laughing)
It's me and you on that,
they didn't get that.
They didn't get that at all.
Yeah.
She's telling the girls,
two beautiful little girls, they'd be
a year apart.
They had their hair all done
with the clips and claps
in the game, and they looked nice.
And she had a son.
And you know kids are when they get
new shoes.
They're happy when they get
new shoes because they're
so happy they start lying about it.
If I could get these shoes,
I'm going to rebuild the house.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to paint the kitchen
any color you want.
And the girls were happy.
But the little boy
and the little boy had some shoes.
Now, you have to understand the kids
don't get this, "I would love for you
"to have some Jordan's, but I have
"to get everybody something.
"If you get a pair $200 shoes
"from me, you will be going down
"court with LeBron James
"or something."
(audience laughing)
He couldn't get the shoes he wanted,
and I can see it in his eyes.
And I was praying, don't do nothing
stupid.
(audience laughing)
He took the shoes and threw them
down, the box exploded.
I grabbed all the stuff I had
and I got out of the way.
(audience laughing)
This sister's weave went up.
(audience laughing)
She grabbed him like she tore
his arm off his body,
but I loved it.
He tried to run, I tripped him.
There he at!
(audience laughing)
That's your son.
That's cold, man.
She went over to my boy, "Come here.
"When I tell you
"I'm not playing with you, you better
"never--" She took his arm off.
She said, "Look at what you made
"me do.
"Go pick your arm up.
"Stop crying, pick it up
"with your other hand.
"That's why your brother ain't got
"no arms now."
(audience laughing)
I'm talking about.
Having a good time in life, though.
I love it when the crowd comes out
and have a good time.
People choking on their mask.
(audience laughing)
You all look like you about to rob
somebody.
I don't know who--
(audience laughing)
I don't know who or what
the group is.
And when we leave we're going
going to hit something.
How are you doing, Murphy?
You didn't know what to wear
tonight, did you?
She picked this shirt out,
didn't she?
Women do that.
"Put on that stupid shirt
"and come with me."
(audience laughing)
Women kill me because you have
to-- women today,
they have their own groove.
Young people won't get it,
but me, brotherhood members,
brotherhood members,
we have had to learn their language.
When women say stuff,
it's not what we think.
(audience laughing)
When women say nothing, that's not
what they mean.
(audience laughing)
When women say nothing,
they're saying, "My mother told me
"not to marry you.
(audience laughing)
"But I wouldn't listen and
"look at us now.
"We have nothing."
(audience laughing)
When women say, "Fine!"
They don't mean fine, OK.
They mean, "Fine!
"You're an idiot!"
(audience laughing)
The best one, I love this one.
When you talk to them they go,
"Go ahead."
Don't do it, don't do it.
No, they already know it's going
to be bad.
Don't do it.
Yeah, you're tricky.
And you know the one that kills most
men, just to start the argument
in the car
before you get in the car on the way
there, on the way back.
When they tell you after you've told
them the two days before,
we leaving at 9.
"I need five more minutes."
Five more minutes in women's space
is an hour and a half.
(audience laughing)
Everything is changing
But my generation, we have
some wonderful music.
I miss our music, don't you?
I don't know what this new hippity
hoppity--
(audience laughing)
No, man because it's so serious.
(beat boxing0
Get busy, I killed my mother,
I killed my father.
Killing you won't be no bother.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
I want the music to be wonderful.
Who don't remember
where they were
the first time they heard this?
(vocalizing)
(audience cheering)
You know what?
My father took me to see--
my father loved gospel music
growing up.
And I was 13 and 14 years--
13, I think.
And he took me with him to a gospel
show.
You ever been to one
of these Black religious events.
I can't think of the name of it
right now.
You know, some kind of tent thing.
(audience laughing)
But the music is good,
they sell the food, it's wonderful.
My father took me--
I didn't want to go, my mother
made me go because I didn't want
to hear people be yelling
and screaming.
And when God get into these women,
these women weigh
500 or 600 pounds.
(audience laughing)
And when Jesus get in them,
they float to the ceiling.
But they come down
on 13-year-old children.
(audience laughing)
So I didn't want to go.
(audience laughing)
And the group is called
The Temptations, I didn't know who
they were.
And I knew that night I was going
to be an entertainer.
Oh, goodness.
There was some-- we had some music.
♫ Mustang Sally.
(audience cheering)
Look at the young people.
Oh, what did she do?
(audience laughing)
♫ I think you there
♫ through your Mustang.
(audience cheering)
You remember that?
Back in the day, the closest person
we had to rap music was James Brown
because we don't know what he was
saying either.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)