WE'RE BACK.
WE'RE BACK WITH JIM GAFFIGAN.
HELP ME OUT HERE, DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE THE BEARD OR IS THIS A NEW
THING?
>> IF I WANT MY CHILDREN TO NOT
BE FRIGHTENED, YEAH.
I HAVE THE TYPE OF FACE THAT
NEEDS TO BE COVERED.
LOUVRE LAUGH.
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
NOT IN THE LEAST.
>> LAST YEAR I JUST HAD THE
MUSTACHE.
BUT I HAVE THE BEARD.
I LOVE MY BEARD.
I LOVE IT.
BECAUSE I'M A PALE GUY AND IT'S
JUST KIND OF ROUND LIKE A BLOCK.
>> Stephen: YOUR WHOLE FAMILY,
YOU HAVE A LOVELY FAMILY-- THESE
ARE YOUR FIVE CHILDREN RIGHT
THERE.
LOOK AT HOW ALL OF THEM-- ALL OF
THEM BLOND, ALL OF THEM-- WHAT
ARE YOUR-- WHAT ARE YOUR
SUNSCREEN COSTS IN YOUR FAMILY.
>> THERE'S A LOT.
THAT'S HOW WOE STORE THEM, TOO.
THAT'S HOW WE STORE OUR
CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND
DID YOU JUST TOUR IN JAPAN?
>> WE WERE IN JAPAN.
I-- NOT JUST FOR STAND-UP.
I WAS THERE MODELING.
I WAS MOD LENGTH.
( LAUGHTER )
SEE, I WISH THAT WASN'T FUNNY,
YOU KNOW?
I WOULD MUCH PREFER PEOPLE SAY,
"REALLY?
MODELING IN?
BUT PEOPLE SAYING, "YOU
MODELING?
NEVER."
I WAS IN JAPAN.
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, THE
JAPANESE-- THEY'RE JUST BETTER
AT BEING HUMAN.
LET'S JUST BE SERIOUS.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?
>> I MEAN, DESIGN-- YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE POLITE.
I MEAN, THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS
THERE I FELT OVERWEIGHT--
PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM
OVERWEIGHT.
BUT LIKE THEY'RE GENERALLY-- THE
JAPANESE ARE THIN.
THERE ARE OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE IN
JAPAN, BUT NOT LIKE IN AMERICA.
WE'RE BETTER, RIGHT.
BECAUSE IF YOU GET REALLY FAT IN
JAPAN, THEY MAKE YOU SUMO
WRESTLE.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY MAKE THEIR FAT PEOPLE FIGHT
EACH OTHER.
( LAUGHTER )
TO ENTERTAIN THE THIN PEOPLE!
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND THE FAT PEOPLE IN JAPAN GO
ALONG WITH IT!
>> Stephen: IT'S AN HONOR.
IT'S A REAL HONOR.
THEY WEAR THAT LITTLE DIEPER AND
THE HAIR--
>> THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY ARE WE
DOING THIS?"
"IT'S PRESTIGIOUS.
NOW YOU TRY TO PUSH THAT OTHER
PUDGY GUY OUT OF THAT CIRCLE
WHILE WE TRY NOT TO GIGGLE."
>> Stephen: DOES YOUR-- DOES
YOUR COMEDY TRANSLATE TO THE
JAPANESE?
>> I'M VERY-- YOU KNOW, I'M VERY
AMERICANA, BUT THERE IS --
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU SAY
"HOT POCKET" IN JAPANESE IS THE
QUESTION?
>> DUMP LING?
I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS AMAZING IN JAPAN.
AND I-- I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN.
AND NOT JUST I LOOK JAPANESE.
AND THEY'RE SO POLITE.
AND MY CHILDREN-- YOU SAW THEM--
THAT'S THEM BEHAVING WELL, IN A
PILE AT THE AIRPORT.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> MY KIDS ARE HORRIBLY BEHAVED,
AND EVERY NOW AND THEN WE WOULD
CATCH A JAPANESE PERSON LOOKING
AT OUR KIDS.
AND THEN THEY WOULD LOOK AT ME.
AND I WOULD ALWAYS SAY THE SAME
THING, "WE'RE CANADIAN."
YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK
YOU.
>> OF COURSE, WE'RE NOT
CANADIAN.
>> Stephen: SURE, YEAH.
>> BUT THAT'S WHAT AMERICANS DO
WHEN THEY TRAVEL
INTERNATIONALLY, THEY TELL
PEOPLE THEY'RE CANADIAN-- WHICH
I THINK IS COWARDLY.
THAT'S REQUEST I TELL PEOPLE I'M
NORTH KOREAN, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
I GET THE RESPECT I DESERVE.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT A
LOVELY WIFE.
YOU HAVE THE LOVELY KIDS.
FATHER'S DAY IS COMING UP.
DO YOU HAVE BIG EXPECTATIONS FOR
FATHER'S DAY?
>> NOT REALLY.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE KIDS--
THEY DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY,
RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER )
THEY HAVE NOVEMBER MONEY
BECAUSE-- AND THEY'LL MAKE STUFF
FOR YOU, AND THEN YOU'RE JUST
LIKE, "GREAT!"
( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I'M JOKING.
BUT IT'S-- IT'S ALL GARBAGE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW?
( APPLAUSE )
YOU LOOK AT IT AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO..." I
MEANTIME AMOUNT OF LYING, RIGHT.
LIKE THEY GIVE YOU A CARD, AND
YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS GREAT.
CAN I HAVE THIS?"
YOU DON'T WANT IT.
YOU KNOW.
BUT YOU HOLD ON TO IT.
AND THEN YOU JUST STUFF IT IN
THE GARBAGE.
THAT'S HORRIBLE!
I DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF THEM!
I WAIT TILL THEY'RE IN THEIR
ROOM AND I BRING IN A GARBAGE
CAN AND I THROW IT IN THERE.
NO, I DON'T DO THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE-- YOUR WIFE
IS ALSO YOUR WRITING PARTNER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS CREATE
YOUR SHOWS TOGETHER.
I UNDERSTAND SHE IS RECOVERING
NOW FROM A SERIOUS-- SHE HAD A
BRAIN TUMOR.
>> IT WAS INSANE.
>> Stephen: IS SHE ALL RIGHT?
>> TWO MONTHS AGO-- YEAH, SHE'S
FINE.
THEY REMOVED A BRAIN TUMOR.
IT WAS DEBENIGN.
SHE'S FINE.
SHE'S HOME.
THE BRAIN TUMOR IS GONE.
>> Stephen: WAS IT-- WAS IT
BIG?
>> IT WAS-- IT WAS BIG.
IT WAS-- IT WAS-- THE BRAIN
SURGEON TOLD ME, HE GOES, "IT
WAS THE SIZE OF A PEAR" WHICH
IS-- WHICH IS HUGE.
AGAIN, SHE'S FINE.
IT WAS CONFUSION-- I DON'T KNOW
WHY THEY ALWAYS-- YOU KNOW, I
THOUGHT MAYBE-- IT'S ALWAYS
FRUIT PEARS OR LEMONS.
AND I THOUGHT ARE THESE DOCTORS
BAD AT ANALOGIES?
BUT THENY REALIZED THE SURGEON
HE WAS PROBABLY JUST LOOKING AT
ME GOING, "I HAVE TO DUMB THIS
DOWN FOR THIS GUY.
NO WAY THIS GUY UNDERSTANDS
CENTIMETERS.
HE PROBABLY DOESN'T EAT FRUIT,
BUT HE'S PROBABLY-- MAYBE HE'S
SEEN A PEAR ON HIS WAY TO BUY
ICE CONGRESSMEN, YOU KNOW."
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR
SHE'S FINE.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS ON
THE ALBUM.