- Will you pick up Wilbert?
- I will, yes.
(pig oinking)
(laughs)
(pig squealing)
(funky music)
- What's up?
- I'm Winston.
- Tatiana.
I don't.
(laughs)
- I am an animal person.
I worked a year at a veterinary clinic
that saw dogs and cats and exotics.
- I haven't really encountered that many wild animals?
Well, I regret signing a liability waiver.
Pets, yeah.
- Sometimes.
I could spot a rat owner probably in a crowd.
They do tend to shower less.
They're a little creepy.
- Hey, hey.
- Beanie guy's definitely giving me some exotic pet vibes.
What does your shirt say?
Weird?
She might got a snake at home.
- Someone who lives on a farm?
- He looks most like a farmer,
but I don't wanna blow my load on this dude.
(laughs)
I don't wanna waste it.
Can we cut out the load part?
- I immediately wanna say her
because she's the least likely.
- What makes you think I'm the least likely to own a goat?
- Because I think you're very pretty
and I don't think people think that
people in farms are pretty.
- Her.
Very naturally reached down and petted the goat.
- Can you like, pet Nugget?
Oh, okay, you went for the head kiss.
Maybe you went to a petting zoo and you saw a goat,
and you said, "Mom, Dad, that's what I want,"
and here we are.
This is Nugget's owner.
- Oh.
(laughs)
She just shit on me.
I think you're her mom.
- Nugget's laying some nuggets.
- [Tatiana] Yeah.
- [Woman] Come on.
- The fuck is this?
Oh!
Is this a Sonic?
- This is a pretty well-socialized hedgehog I think,
because I only ever met one that was out of its roll.
- Oh!
Ah, I'm gonna drop this animal.
- No, no, no.
Just stick him in there.
- I don't like rodents
and I think this is one of them, right?
- Hedgehogs have such a positive, cute energy.
I think somebody very bright and kind owns this animal.
- A hipster.
I'm gonna go with you.
See, he's confident.
- Oh, that is definitely hers.
No hesitation.
- Okay, so talk to him like he did something really good.
He won the race.
- You did a great job, yeah you did!
- This is Teddy's owner.
- That is a big ass pig.
- This is a cutie.
Reminds me of Ariana Grande.
- Okay, a pig owner.
This is definitely not somebody's first pet.
(pig snorting)
- [Woman] It's okay.
- Do you eat bacon?
Whoa, that's not his!
Would you ever eat bacon?
- I love bacon.
- Who doesn't like bacon?
Oh my god!
- Will you pick up Wilbert?
- I will.
Yes.
(pig squealing)
- That's his pig.
(laughs)
Take it away from me.
- If I'm gonna like really stereotype,
when I worked in a vet clinic,
every bird owner I met was a female.
- Good feathers.
Very calm, especially surrounded by a pig and a goat.
I think having the goat eat my shoe
with the bird on my finger.
- I'm gonna pass the bird off,
see how well you handle it.
That was pretty good.
- Oh, that is definitely his parrot!
You look like a Pokemon trainer like right now.
- Oh, yikes.
- Oh!
- Do you guys have a paramedic on site, what is this?
- There you go.
- Oh, I'm just enjoying my Britney Spears moment right now.
- Maybe he's strong.
I don't want him on me!
Whoa, this thing is trying to kill me!
- Sure, yeah.
- All right.
Yeah, kind of like that, yeah.
It's all right, buddy.
(sighs)
- I'm sorry, but fucking weirdos own snakes.
I'm sorry.
(laughs)
What does your t-shirt say?
Weird, oh.
Come back on stage.
Can you please take the snake, too?
- Snake owners are offbeat,
they're maybe like the weirdos of the world.
They definitely have to be
comfortable in gross situations
because you're feeding them fetuses of rats.
So with that being said, you.
(laughs)
Are you easily grossed out?
- No, I'm playing Resident Evil 2 right now.
- Oh, gamer.
Not all gamers are snake owners,
but all snake owners are gamers.
Would you like the snake?
- Absolutely.
- Fuck no.
(laughs)
I got bit by one once.
So that thing's not gonna come near me.
- If you're gonna transition
from just being a dog owner or a cat owner,
they're a pretty easy next step
because they're like, the chillest of reptiles,
so this could be their first exotic pet.
Come hither.
What Hogwarts house are you?
- Slytherin, obviously.
- I think then this is Boomie's owner.
- This seems like a very edgy pet,
and she looks very edgy.
Yeah, I did so bad at this.
- That's pretty good.
- Is that two?
- Yikes!
(laughs)
The hedgehog is yours.
- Nope.
- Goddammit!
(laughs)
This is so stressful.
(pig squealing)
- Come on over, snake lady.
- This is Hades.
- Hades.
- Yep.
- Isn't that the God of the Hell?
- Underworld.
- Underworld, okay.
- Yes, yeah.
- I think the shirt gave it away.
- Do you think of me as a weirdo?
- Yeah.
(laughs)
- How long have you had a snake?
- I've had him for almost two years,
it'll be two years in May.
You got the gaming thing right though.
- Do you like gaming?
- Yep.
- Okay.
(laughs)
- He's actually one of the coolest snakes
that I've ever met.
- Yeah.
- He's very chill, so.
- He tried to kill me, but he's cool.
- No, he cuddles.
He doesn't kill.
- Cuddles, oh, okay.
(laughs)
- So you own a pig.
- Mm-hm.
- Do you think pigs are smarter than dogs?
- Oh, absolutely, yeah.
He knows how to open the sliding glass door,
potty trained in a week.
- Do you own a farm?
- Don't own a farm, not a vegan,
but he's mostly an indoor pig.
- Oh!
- He doesn't like to be outside,
kind of a diva for a pig
but he has his own bed I guess,
he's kinda taken over mine.
So yes, I do sleep with a pig, yeah.
He comes into my bed, bites my feet
and makes me curl into a ball.
It's where I'm at, yeah.
- You seem like a pig in the nicest way.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
(laughs)
- Nice to meet you, man.
- Thank you, yeah, nice to meet you too.
- So a bearded dragon.
- Mm-hm.
Her name is Boomie.
She doesn't bite,
she's super, super chill and nice.
- I don't trust her.
(laughs)
- We thought she was a boy actually at first.
- I mean, what, nevermind.
- Well I thought when she was a little lizard,
I could have sworn I saw balls, I swear to god.
And then I realized reptiles don't have balls,
so that also told me so, so.
- Okay.
- Do you wanna put it on your shoulder?
She just hangs there
while I type and take meetings,
it's very, very exciting.
- Mm-hm, yeah.
I feel-
is she licking me?
- [Woman] She might be, she licks to like smell.
(laughs)
- So you have a little hog.
- I have the spiky potato, yes.
So this is Teddy.
- How are you not getting prickled?
- My hands have kinda gained callouses.
You can try right now if you want to try and brush her,
just like lay your finger gently over the top,
she might curl up.
- Oh!
(laughs)
- This is your bird.
- Yes, this is my bird.
- Does she poop on your shoulder?
- Sometimes, but she's potty trained.
- Oh, I didn't know you could potty train a bird.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- Sorry.
- Last one.
How long have you had Nugget for?
- Since she was born, so she's a year and a half.
Actually your comment about the petting zoo thing,
you like totally nailed it,
so I was trying not to laugh.
Because that's literally what happened,
I grew up in a suburb.
- The petting zoo got you.
- I've been obsessed with goats.
- Did you name her Nugget because she poops a lot?
- No, she was a runt, so she was really small.
I have two goats, but both of them were runt goats.
- Are they like siblings?
- They have the same daddy.
- Oh, whoa.
- [Woman] He gets around, so.
(laughs)
- I love animals,
so I was excited to interact with all of them.
I have interviews for vet school in a month,
so I thought like if I nailed this,
it'd be like a really good sign.
So feeling pretty bad about that.
- It was great, easier than I thought I would be.
Yes.
A corgi.
- Thank you guys!
- Thank you.
- All very cute pets.
(applause)