to go indoor go-karting.
And I grew up riding go-karts,
but Riki had never been before,
and so I'm zipping around the track really fast,
and I look over at Riki, and she's driving so slow.
And then all of a sudden,
she stops in the middle of the track.
And I was, like, "What the heck?"
Like, what is going on?"
And then I found out what was happening.
Here's what happened.
Um, basically, I was sitting on
a big, giant vibrating piece of metal at a forward-tilted angle.
And, yeah.
And the faster I went, the more it vibrated.
And then I was just, like, "Uh-oh."
So I decided to go really, really slow.
But then I see Kate zipping by me,
and for some reason I thought,
"Well, if she can go fast, I can go fast,"
which I don't know why I assumed we had
the same vaginal sensitivity.
We don't.
I am a delicate flower. (chuckles)
And Kate is an unshucked ear of corn.
(cheering and applause)
(laughs)
Yeah, I said it.
Get in line, boys.
So, anyway... (laughs)
I just thought if she can go fast, I can go fast.
And I sped up, and then it was, like, "Nope, no, I can't."
And so I just pulled over and hung my head in shame
for the rest of our time.
An unshucked ear of corn, huh?
Yeah. (laughs)
Uh, well, you know,
the funniest part is you thought
that we knew what was happening.
Like, if you gave me a hundred guesses,
I would not have guessed that that is what was going on.
And also, if that happened
to everybody who went on a go-kart,
I think go-karting would be a lot more popular.
♪ Get on my go-kart, strap myself in ♪
♪ Rev up the engine, let the fun begin ♪
♪ Put my foot on the gas, and I'm out of the gate ♪
♪ But the faster I go, the more the metal vibrates ♪
(trilling)
♪ My body's tingling from my head to my toes ♪
♪ But the thing that's really buzzing, I hope nobody knows ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm feeling kind of funny in a biblical way ♪
♪ God damn, I'm shaking hard on my Georgia O'Keefe bouquet ♪
♪ I never guessed this trembling machine would ♪
♪ Turn the motor on under my hood ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, accidentally masturbating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, mechanically self-fornicating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, no stopping till I cross the finish line ♪
♪ Shifting gears, I can feel my heart throb ♪
♪ Hope nobody notices I'm getting a lube job ♪
♪ Don't need no gentleman to start my engine ♪
♪ 'Cause I can even feel a little rear suspension ♪
(trilling)
♪ Trying to cover up my scandal like I'm Goldman-Sachs ♪
♪ This (bleep) is getting real on this indoor track ♪
♪ I'm about to go blind, and I feel like a creep ♪
♪ 'Cause it's pressing on my horn like beep-beep-beep ♪
♪ Now my driving is getting erratic ♪
♪ 'Cause this transmission is automatic ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, accidentally masturbating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, mechanically self-fornicating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, no stopping till I cross the finish line ♪
♪ If the fruit is ripe, you might as well pluck it ♪
♪ Was gonna slow down, but then I thought, "(bleep) it" ♪
♪ No one look at me 'cause this it ♪
♪ Green flag, go, go holy (bleep) ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, accidentally masturbating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, mechanically self-fornicating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, no stopping till I cross the finish line ♪
♪ Key change... key change... ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, accidentally masturbating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, mechanically self-fornicating ♪
♪ Go-kart racing, no stopping till I cross the finish line ♪
♪ Ah, hallelujah... amen. ♪
(Kate, Riki giggling)
Thanks, guys.
My dad loves that song.
(Riki laughs)