If I could teach couples before they got married one thing, it would be about how
to fight fair. The reason is because when you're getting married, you really
haven't had that many fights. And if you have you, haven't probably really
resolved them. You think, "Oh, this is just because we're stressed," - you make
excuses. Today on Reaction Reset I'm going to
explain how to fight fairly with your partner so that your marriage can
actually benefit from the fights rather than be destroyed by them.
It may seem a little cynical that you talk about how to fight fair when you
first get married, but believe me nothing will destroy a marriage more then
couples who don't know how to fight - who are mean when they fight.
In fact, if you've ever been around a couple who doesn't fight fair,
you will know it because you will feel awkward,
you'll feel embarrassed, and you will feel terrible. Remember, you're just
the observer; when you're in that kind of relationship
it feels really bad. So the first thing I want you to know is the research
supports that happy couples fight just as much as unhappy couples.
The difference is happy couples after they fight the couple feels respected and
closer together. So before we begin, if you and your partner have a fight and
you reflect on how you feel, and you feel humiliated, disrespected, as if your
partner has an idea that it's their way or no way,
they're not generous or open with their thoughts then this Reaction Reset is
especially for you. You can change your fighting pattern, and it's
important that you do, but you both have to start making changes. The number one
way that you can create a healthy fighting atmosphere is to use
"I statements." I statements are basically when you're responsible for saying how
you feel. So, in other words, you don't say 'you always do this' or 'you're to blame' or
'you made me feel.' It simply says, 'I feel like this' 'When you said that, I felt like
this.' From there, you can even take
further responsibility. You can say, "I felt like this and rather than turning
to you at that point or thinking about why I was feeling this way, I came back
with something else that was disrespectful." When you begin that
dialogue, your partner responds by not getting defensive and not going on the
attack for you. In fact, that will stop an argument in its tracks just by using I
statements. Secondly, once a discussion or an argument has started, always leave
room to finish it. This happens to
many couples because they're trying to get their way in before the timeline,
right? But it's okay to say, "I don't agree with that," or, "I don't
understand what you're saying. I don't agree with it, but I'd like to take it up
later," and then find a time when the two of you aren't distracted, aren't stressed
out, and have time to actually explore it. This is a sign that you're going to work
with your partner, you're going to negotiate. which leads us right into
number three. Remember, you guys are a team, okay? When you're playing on a team,
you don't go after your partner, you don't try to steal the ball away - you
work as a team. You pass it back and forth. With communication and, especially
fighting, there has to be a dialogue. "You feel this way," or, "I heard
you say you feel this way, but I feel this way and I'm wondering how we can
work this out to make it better for both of us." So you always want to do what's
going to go in line with your marriage - what's going to be best for your
marriage. Fourthly, use a time-out signal. Most of what's going to happen in
a relationship discussion or argument happens in the first three minutes. So if
you're getting all heated and you're starting to feel rageful or bitter or
resentment like you do, before you say something bad it's better to just have a
signal between the two of you. Whatever the two of you agree on it's like your
own little secret code. When you're out to dinner, if this argument
comes up, one of you can just go like this or like this and the other one
should always respect and align with that; remember, it's the marriage
that must survive. It's not either one of your opinions or what you want to do or
say at that time. Finally, keep in mind that you guys are the first examples to
children for what fighting fair looks like. I see so many adults who, when they
were growing up, they have said their parents had terrible fights. And guess
what it did to this now adult who is once their little child watching?
They avoid fights, they avoid conflicts, they're dishonest, they don't live
transparently, and they walk on eggshells because they're afraid. Don't do that to
your kids. Show your kids what a true team looks like. Show them that you honor
each other, you respect each other's opinion, and that what's most important
is the marriage. Because you are building the next generation of resilient, healthy
children who you want to have resilient, healthy marriages. When kids have been
modeled how to fight fair, especially with a couple who loves each
other, they learn, "Okay, yeah, it's okay to have light fights, or
well-managed fights." This is how kids learn that
people who love each other also fight together. But when they
fight, they end up feeling better about each other. The issues are resolved and
they still go back toward each other and love each other and make up again.
I cannot tell you how important that is because more and more couples are saying,
"Let's go to another room." The child knows something's wrong, so it's much better if
you have control of yourself and you're able to fight fairly so your child can
grow up in an atmosphere of learning what arguing or fighting with your
partner (that you love very much) looks like. If you can practice all five
of these, I say to you - bravo! That is fantastic. You are creating a
marriage that is always going to feel good and be healthy. If you can't or if
you're having difficulty, I remind you that feeling angry is one of the most
honest, truest emotions there is. Anger is not the bad guy. What people do with anger is.
Remember, when you change your reaction, you change your world.