-James, can I get some thank-you note-writing music, please?
♪♪ Looks good.
He looks good. -Oh, my God.
-It's coming in hot!
[ Laughter ]
It's coming in hot!
♪♪
Thank you, going on a diet,
for being the original inflation reduction act.
Yeah, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Topical.
-Diet season.
-Thank you, "House of the Dragon," for sounding like
a Chinese food place with two stars on Yelp.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, camouflage shorts, for being perfect
if you don't want people seeing your crotch in the forest.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh! Wow.
I can't see anything. -Ankles and a torso.
It's amazing. -Disappeared.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you, meeting your college roommate,
for being a great way to get to know the person
whose guts you'll hate in three months.
[ Applause ]
Oh, this is a good one.
Thank you, state fairs, for being 10% rides and 90%
"Can I deep-fry this object?"
[ Cheers and applause ] Sure. Twinkie? Go for it.
[ Laughter ]
-Deep-fried butter. That was a crazy one.
-Which one? -Deep-fried butter.
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah. You're going like,
"That's a joke, right?" No.
-Deep-fried butter is a jam, yeah.
Have you ever had deep-fried Oreo and all that stuff?
-Yeah. -It's pretty good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I don't care what anybody says. I think deep-fried food is good.
It tastes good. -I don't care what anyone says.
Christmas is fun. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
I don't care what anybody says. -I don't care what anyone says.
-I like my birthday, you know what I mean? I have fun.
-I like to celebrate it every year.
-You know what, too? I'm going out on a limb.
I mean, the Beatles are pretty good.
[ Laughter ]
-That's you, man. It's all on you. It's all you.
You be you, man. -Yeah.
UB40. -Yeah, man.
I be 47. -Ooh, nice.
-My birthday was in September. -Really?
-Yeah. It was interesting.
-What did you do for your birthday?
-It was in September, so it's like fall,
so it was autumnal theme. -Right.
-So I said, well, maybe Nancy and I will go on
like on a hay ride or something. -Oh, my God, hay ride.
-So, I go, "Well, who's gonna drive the tractor?"
She said, "Dude, we don't have a tractor."
So I had to buy one from a farmer.
I'm like, "Nice to meet you." He's like, "My name's Hank."
I go, "Oh, that's an odd voice."
He goes, "I was just doing a character. My name's Hank."
I go, "Oh, nice to meet you. Could I borrow your tractor?"
He's like, "Borrow? No, but you can buy one."
I go, "Alright, how much is it?" He's like, "$300."
I go, "Thank you." So, $300. I bought the tractor.
I hooked it up. Then I go to get hay.
-Right. Where'd you get hay at? -Well, then I went to --
I went to the, uh... -Hay store?
-Yeah, the hay store, thank you.
They got all the hay, put it in the back,
and as I was driving away, you know what the owners said?
-What? -"Hay!" Yeah.
So I go like, "Hay." It was fun.
[ Applause ]
You had to be there. You had to be there.
-Oh, yeah. -You had to be there.
-Oh, I had to be there.
-No, it was a mandatory party.
Yeah.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, travel toothbrushes,
for saving me a whole two inches of space in my suitcase.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Whoo. Wow.
Almost didn't make it on the plane.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, pet birthday parties, or as your dog remembers it,
the worst day of their life. There you have it, everybody.
Those are my thank-you notes.