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- Well, men, it's been a hell of a season.
Grif, your episode recaps
of Halo have been phenomenally adequate.
- Uh, thank you?
- Yes, sir.
I'm talking perfectly average. Builder's grade.
No frills. Standard issue recaps.
- How does he make a compliment sound so demeaning?
- That's how we do things in this man's Red Team, right
up to the military spec and not a degree over!
There's no higher compliment than precision sufficiency.
- Oh, on that note, what about my recaps, sir?
- Simmons, your performance has been outstanding!
- Really? Wow. Thank you so-
- That's right. A total disaster.
- What?
- You went above and beyond, exceeded expectations,
and completely over delivered.
- And that's bad?
- Without question.
You went the extra mile, and fuel is expensive soldier.
Haven't you heard about inflation?
- Damn Simmons.
You really blew it when you crushed it.
- Hold on.
We still have to recap the finale.
I can do better.
- Dude?
- Um, what I mean to say is less better than before.
- Give it your medium shot.
- So, the finale begins
where we last left Master Chief, face down
in the gym after getting tuned up real good
by Vannak and Riz.
- Thankfully he manages just to peel himself off the floor,
but stumbles around like how getting your ass
kicked gives you a hangover.
- Getting punched drunk and regular drunk
have the same consequences,
unless you built up a tolerance
to both, which is why I'm on a steady diet of bar fights.
- In all the confusion, Makee makes off with the keystones
in a Covenant ship, and Keyes confesses to Vannak and Kai
that he kidnapped them as kids.
- Bonded by their childhood trauma,
Silver Team is back on the same side
and rush to stop Makee and Halsey from escaping.
- Nothing like deep wounds from the past to bring together
an elite force of super soldiers for a high stakes mission.
- Kind of like us.
- Grif, what are you talking about?
- Well, we may not have the high stakes mission,
or be an elite force of super soldiers, but we are together
and we do have deep wounds from the past.
- You know what, you're right.
Maybe the real high stakes mission was the deep
wounds we made on the way.
- Speaking of wounds, Kai jumps on board Dr. Halsey's ship
and uses Adun's face to clean the ceiling,
which is the most helpful he's been all season,
but not before Halsey escapes in a pod.
- Master Chief, Riz, and Vannak are also too late
to stop Makee from making it off world.
- And all of this happens
before the opening credits. Pretty hot for a cold open.
- With no idea where the Covenant took the keystones,
Master Chief remembers something Makee said
about the Covenant prophecy and the location where
the Halo would be revealed.
Super strength and super listening skills?
Wow, he's the total package.
- I'm glad the Covenant have such long humanity
extinction ceremonies, 'cause this
buys Silver Team enough time to suit
up and find their hidden temple.
- Meanwhile, Dr. Halsey is caught and brought
into custody where her daughter delivers the news
that her punishment is execution.
- Now this is where things get awesome.
If you wanted to see hot grunt-stomping action
and savage brute beatings, you've come to the right place.
- Here's where we get to see Silver Team
in some real combat.
And while they take out a bunch of Covenant soldiers,
the brutes really beat the hell out of our heroes.
Oh, and remember Dr. Halsey?
She's headed for the gallows right?
Plot twist.
It turns out the Halsey they captured was a flash clone
and the real Dr. Halsey is on the lam.
- If I had flash clones of myself, I'd have
them do all the things I don't want to do.
Exercise, dental appointments, homework, any work.
You know, the basics.
- Then wouldn't you be a lazy out of touch slob
just sitting on your butt, telling other people what to do?
- Exactly. A boss.
- Oh, true. Yeah, yeah. Fair, fair, fair.
- Thankfully, the keystones only reveal part of the map
to the Halo, which complies with the ironclad
cinematic rule that all maps in movies
and TV must be incomplete when you first see them.
- The only thing complete in this scene is the beat down
Silver Team takes. Brutal stuff.
- Yeah. After more Covenant troops show up,
Master Chief gets his shit rocked
by a brute and is left with only one choice.
Let Cortana fully take over his consciousness.
- After a moment of thinking
the Master Chief is dead,
Cortana takes the reins and goes ballistic
on the Covenant army.
- It's a bonafide hero moment.
And with John 117's consciousness on the back burner,
he's able to touch the artifacts without activating them,
and get everyone on board their ship for a daring escape.
- The episode and the season ends
with Kai asking Master Chief
if John is still in there.
Master Chief, now fully controlled
by Cortana gazes ahead without a word.
Boom! End credits.
- So Sarge, how was that?
Was my recapping up to, uh rather, down to snuff?
- Simmons, your performance was without question,
one of the most gleaming and spectacularly acceptable things
I've ever seen. Paramount Plus might even let us come back
and recap Season Two.
- Really? Totally requisite?
- Absolutely. In fact, I'm gonna give you a sticker.
- A gold star?
- Nope. A gray circle. Fantastically suitable!
- Wow. This is the OK-est moment of my life.
- Well, thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.