I'm going to share with you today. Why most couples fail
in marriage counseling and how you can avoid the trap?
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a professional psychologist. If you're in counselling, this will help you to get
your money's worth and if you're not you'll know exactly where to start. If you see the trap first,
it'll be much easier to avoid it, and I'll give you some powerful alternatives. One of the first
things I learned, as a professional psychologist and just starting out with couples counseling was
some research that was done by Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman institute. This research changed
everything for me. I heard Dr. Gottman present this himself, at a conference I was attending early in
my career. When he said that roughly, 70 percent of the problems in a marriage are unresolvable.
Now, I share that with some people and they're just like well, then, what's the use? Right? And other
people are just relieved because they realize maybe, they're not so weird. Here's how I made
sense out of that. Problems are simply conflict, and anytime you bring two different people together,
you're going to have some conflict. Because they have different preferences, and different
backgrounds, and different ideas, about how things should go. Those are defined to be unresolvable,
by Dr. Gottman because differences are what create the conflict. But if we get rid of the differences,
we don't have any reason for the relationship. Notice, that it's differences that make us relevant,
and interesting to each other. It's the differences that give us a reason to have that
relationship at all. If you're exactly, the same as that other person one of you is unnecessary.
So, we gotta have differences, and as long as we have differences we'll have conflict. Now,
conflict doesn't have to lead to misery. In fact, here's the most interesting part of that research.
Dr. Gottman found, that this number, this 70% unresolvable problems was true of miserable,
highly conflicted, headed for divorce couples. Makes sense, right? He also found, that number was
true of the happy, well-adjusted, stable, satisfied couples. There was no difference in the number
of unresolvable problems that these two groups had. You couldn't even distinguish between those
two groups based on that metric. Now, what does that tell us? It tells us, that the folks who are
happy, are doing something different from what the folks who are miserable are doing. Does that make
sense to you? So, the bottom line here is we've got to do, more of what works, and less of what
doesn't. That leads me to the trap. That I wanted to share with you, why most couples fail in marriage
counseling, and it's because they come into that setting to talk about their problems rather than
the solutions. They're focused on the problems and they do it in a way that automatically, undermines,
and sabotages the process and that is that they're focusing on what their spouse could change
to make this better. Now, going back to the research Dr. Gottman found, that the people who were on the
miserable side of the page were doing something that he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The criticism that he is mentioning doesn't have
to be real or intended, as long as it's perceived it works. How does someone feel when someone else
identify something that they could change? How do you feel? If I were to come at you and say,
you know what, you really need to work on this, and this, and this, and tell you everything
that you need to do to improve. Even if it's true, that's not helpful, because you feel defensive.
Yeah, that's the second horseman of the apocalypse, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
We're not going to get into all four of those, because the trap starts with the first two,
criticism and defensiveness. That's the mistake most people make in marriage counseling. They think,
that things would be so much better if their spouse would just, and then they put in all
of these wonderful sounding thing., Be more compassionate, and kind, and forgiving. Yes.
And you know what I'm gonna give this to you because you're right.
Things would be better if your spouse shaped up, that happens to be true, and
it's not helpful, it's not useful. Because as soon as you identify, what your spouse can change
they feel defensive, they're being criticized. Even if you don't intend
it that way. That's the reason most couples fail in marriage counseling, that's the trap.
Identifying what your spouse needs to improve. So, what does work? If we're going to do more of what
works, and less of what doesn't, we know, we need to stay away from the criticism, defensiveness,
contempt, and stonewalling. The four horsemen of the apocalypse that John Gottman talked about.
Well, what's on the other side? What is it that makes couples succeed? And it's based on principle.
In fact, Dr. Gottman also wrote a book called The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.
I have found in my career of almost 30 years now, that there are nine principles, that are guaranteed,
to save and enrich, your marriage, and I'll even give you a copy of them. In fact, go to
the URL that's on your screen right now, drpauljenkins.com/9principles.
I'm gonna give this to you for free. So, that you have those nine principles in your possession
drpauljenkins.com/9principles. I'll send it to you, just tell me where
you want it. You'll get the list for you to refer back to but let me just cover them really quickly.
Positivity, which is what I've built my whole career on it's basically, understanding how to
operate the equipment of your own mind. Positivity is not pretending that everything's okay. In fact,
that's kind of irritating, and annoying, to me, when I hear motivational speakers or gurus on
the stage saying, just think positive. No, we've got to get down to the psychological roots of how to
operate our own mind, that's what I mean by positivity. The second principle is values, what are
the common shared values that we have? Number three, humility, which is giving up your need to be right
in exchange for being open. Number four, forgiveness, because guess what? You're gonna get hurt. What are
you gonna do with that? Well, you're gonna forgive. Five is respect. Six is love. Seven is compassion.
Eight is work. No surprises there, and nine, wholesome recreational activities. I could
spend an entire video doing and I probably have, on each one of these, go look in the
channel and you'll probably, find them. But these nine principles are guaranteed to save and enrich
your marriage. Do you remember, when I shared with you, why most couples fail in couples counseling?
It's because they focus on what their spouse, could change, or improve, it's really tempting
to go there. It's no different when we go to the nine principles. Because I guarantee
even as I was sharing a list with you. You probably, noticed three, or four, or five, that
your spouse could do a little better, and the tempting thought is if my spouse would just, and
then pick one of those nine principles. Be more compassionate, be more loving, be more forgiving,
that would improve our marriage and it's tempting to think that, because you're right,
It's true. If your spouse would shape up, things would be better, but it's not helpful because it
gets us right back into the trap of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Don't
do this. The safety guidelines for using the nine principles is that these are for personal use only.
Have you got it? Put that in your notes, somewhere. Personal use only. If you go out and use these to
try to improve someone else, I guarantee, it's going to go south on you real fast.
These are for personal use only. So, you look at any problem that you're experiencing in that
relationship and the question is which of these nine principles? Which of these tools in my toolbox?
Can I apply to make this a little better, I guarantee, that is going to change the game,
they're guaranteed. I hope that helps, I know it will, if you'll apply it. Now,
if you didn't get your principles yet, go to drpauljenkins.com/9principles.
You can write them down from the screen too, but I've put it together for
you, I'll be happy to send it to you. I've got your back on this. Let's work together.