But it's good to be with you.
I'm from the state of Georgia.
This is my first time into Utah,
(audience cheers)
but I had to fly
and I'm bringing this up
because I'm one
of those people, I'm afraid to fly.
I just don't like to fly,
I'm afraid to fly.
I don't mind flying once a year
just to catch up on my drinking
and my praying.
(audience laughing)
There's no such thing
as a safe airplane.
At 30,000 feet,
if something comes loose
and falls off, it's pretty much over.
(audience laughing)
It's not like you can go . . .
(makes noise)
Where's that noise coming from?
(audience laughing)
It could be a muffler, you know.
(audience laughing)
You know, even the airlines
know they're not safe.
That's how come they overly brag
about the safety features.
They seem to be especially
proud of their flotation seat.
(audience laughing)
Every single flight, regardless . . .
(audience laughing)
Regardless of the destination,
they will explain the flotation seat.
They got a video they show now.
Where it's located, how to strap it on.
How to hold on to it and float like . . .
(audience laughing)
And that's in case they
crash in the ocean.
That sounds good,
but there's no ocean
between Georgia and Utah.
(audience laughing)
If you wanna make me happy,
show me a seat
that's gonna bounce
out of a corn field.
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you the truth, I just—
I'm gonna tell you the real story
of when I first
realized how dangerous
air travel can be.
Not necessarily is, but can be
and this was decades ago.
You ever been to, like,
around the Bahamas
or the Caribbean Islands?
They have these planes
that take the visitors
and the tourist, tourist, tourist
(audience laughing)
from, like, one island to the next.
It's a quick trip like
a 20 minute flight.
By the time the plane gets
to the proper attitude,
it's time to start the descent.
They call this island hopping, okay?
Really, it only holds about
eight, 10, or 20 people.
Sometimes it's got
one or two propellers,
but the point is they
have to know the weight
of everything onboard the aircraft
before the plane can take off
and I had never been
through that before
and the guy comes up to me,
he's got a clipboard in his hand.
He said,
"Sir, how much do you weigh?"
(audience laughing)
I said, why do you need to know?
(audience laughing)
He says, "So we'll know
"how much fuel to put in."
(audience laughing)
I said, fill it up.
(audience laughing)
I weigh 500 pounds, fill it up.
(audience laughing)
Wouldn't you hate to die
in a plane crash
because some fat woman
lied about her weight?
(audience laughing)
And they'll do it, too.
(audience laughing)
Well, I'd just soon be dead,
as tell him how fat I am.
(audience laughing)