America doesn't need a big parade
to convince the world that it has a military.
Trust me, the world knows America has a military.
It's in their countries right now.
Like, if you... -(cheering, applause)
You don't need one.
If you really want a parade, just, like, every time
there's a drone strike, just fly another drone
behind it, playing marching music, you know?
Just like... (imitates marching band music)
(imitates explosion)
It's a parade.
And although Trump is really excited about,
uh, getting to play with the army like they're his G.I. Joes,
uh, luckily, most people are adults.
I say that it's a fantastic waste of money
to amuse the president.
It's kind of cheesy and, I think,
shows weakness, quite frankly.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
We've got to also be cautious on how we do spending.
We have a Napoleon in the making here.
I don't know. It seems like a waste of money.
-Damn. -(audience gasps, oohs)
You know it's bad when even Fox News
thinks this is a waste of money.
Yeah, they're like, "You can't spend that how much a parade.
"You need save it for sexual harassment settlements.
Come on."
But the reason... the reason a lot of people
are against this parade is not just because
of the waste of time and money.
It's because, France aside, military parades
have come to be associated with authoritarian regimes,
like North Korea,
the Soviet Union and China.
And, now, look, a military parade on its own
the doesn't mean that Trump is gonna be a dictator,
but it's when you look at everything else
that your Spidey-Sense starts to tingle.
You know? Yeah, like firing the FBI director
who was investigating his campaign.
Discrediting the electoral process by claiming voter fraud.
And he just this week "joked"
that not clapping for him is treason.
Yeah. I mean, he even
gave top government jobs to his own kids. All right?
And, I mean, sure, those are his smartest kids,
but who's their competition, you know?
And let's be honest-- none of this took us by surprise.
The whole time Trump was running for president,
he couldn't stop talking about how much he admired
strongmen around the world.
Saddam Hussein. You know what he did well?
He killed terrorists.
He did that so good.
I think I'd get very... along very well with Vladimir Putin.
REPORTER: On the phone with Philippines president
Rodrigo Duterte, president Trump says,
"I just wanted to congratulate you because I am hearing
of the unbelievable job on the drug problem."
REPORTER 2: What do you make of the North Korean leader?
Obviously, he's a pretty smart cookie.
Well, that's one way to describe Kim Jong-un:
"smart cookie."
Trump is so thirsty.
Like, yeah, I wouldn't be shocked
if he's on all these dictators' Instagrams,
just commenting on every pic-- "Great photo, follow back.
"Nice abs, like for like.
Come on. Sexy missile, follow back."
So, in the world of authoritarians,
many people are now asking where does Trump fit in?
I mean, I know he aspires to them,
but does he measure up?
Well, it just so happens that over the weekend,
they held the 51st annual Oppressy Awards,
where the world's greatest dictators
are honored for their work.
Now, you've probably never heard of these awards
because we made them up, but still,
I was asked to host them.
And that's not a gig that you can turn down.
You literally cannot turn it down.
They kidnapped me and threw me in a trunk.
But here are some of the highlights.
ANNOUNCER: The 51st annual awards
for achievement in the autocratic arts,
the Oppressys.
The president of the Philippines is here, everybody.
Rodrigo Duterte, everybody. Yeah, of course.
He's famous for killing drug users,
which I guess, is why he's not invited
to Seth Rogen's after-party.
-Am I right, Seth? -(applause, laughter)
If Trump takes home an award tonight,
it will be the first thing he's ever won without Putin's help.
The nominees for best oppression of political opponents are:
President Nicolás Maduro, Venezuela,
for using midnight raids to jail his political adversaries.
Prime Minister Hun Sen, Cambodia,
for dissolving his country's main opposition party.
President Donald Trump, the United States,
for demanding an investigation of a political opponent.
MINHAJ: And the Oppressy goes to: Nicolás Maduro.
LYDIC: Best performance by a dictator in a propaganda video:
Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, state run media.
Donald Trump, sword dance.
(dancers vocalizing)
Rodrigo Duterte sings "Ikaw."
(singing in foreign language)
And the winner is Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow.
The nominees for excellence in delegitimizing the media are:
Bashar al-Assad, Syria.
We're living in a fake news era, as you know.
LYDIC: Nicolás Maduro, Venezuela.
(speaking Spanish)
LYDIC: Donald Trump, the United States.
Just because the attack of fake news
and attacking our network,
I just want to ask you, sir...
I'm changing it from "fake news,” though.
-Does-doesn't that undermine... -Very fake news.
-I know, but aren't you... -(laughter)
LYDIC: And the Oppressy goes to Donald Trump.
("Hail to the Chief" plays)
I call it, you know, "fake news."
The level of dishonesty, where they'll take a story
that should be good-- I know good from bad--
In fact, sometimes I'll say, oh, this is gonna be nice
to read-- I'll say, whoa.
And they will purposely totally change it.
It's fake news.
(applause)
(cheering and applause)
Well, I guess Trump isn't quite there yet.
But good news, there's always next year.