- The holiday season is upon us once again.
And here at Smosh, that means something special.
(radio static)
(upbeat rock music)
(dolphin squealing)
- Hi, I'm Tommy.
Tommy Beau from Smosh.
Today I'm gonna be interviewing my exes
and I have no idea what the hell's gonna happen.
I'm very scared!
Uh, oh!
I'm expecting, uh hopefully not the one that I dated
in high school or the one that I dated
for the early half of college.
Hopefully not the one from the second half of college.
All the other ones really excited about.
(audience laughing)
- Oh yeah, I saw Guys and Dolls 2
(Tommy laughs) and it was a disaster!
Too many dolls, not enough guys.
Hello!
- Hi.
- I'm Bernadette Michaels.
- Hi Bernadette.
- As you know,
- I do know Bernadette. - My husband's name
is Charles, and you are my summer of fun.
- I know.
Oh, oh.
- Oops. - Please cover that up.
Bernadette, come on.
- Yes?
- You know I don't wanna see those.
- What?
- Hide those knees!
- Oh, that's not what you said to me back five years ago.
- Well-
- When we made out behind your dirty, dusty silver car.
I felt like I was 16 again.
- Hey, I am saving the environment by not cleaning my car.
Bernadette, stop swinging that purse!
- Well, I'm saving the environment
by having a second hand store.
(Tommy laughing)
- Let's get the second ex out here.
- Hello!
It is your Mental Illness!
(Tommy laughing) ( screaming)
- I've never had it done to me, it's-
- Wow, you look terrible!
(all laughing)
- Oh! Look, can I have an autograph?
Big Little Lies?
Old Lady from Big Little Lies?
- Oh sure.
And I'm not that old.
- You're probably like 75?
- Oh, that's just so harsh.
(audience laughing)
I'm 65.
- Mental Illness, your accent has definitely changed.
- Oh, yes!
- Okay!
(audience laughing)
- You are a nightmare.
- Mental Illness, I just gotta say,
how's that Wellbutrin treating you?
I gotta say, I'm having a blast not seeing you that often.
- Well, don't worry, it's gonna stop working very soon.
(Tommy laughing)
You look terrible too!
- You shut your little mouth.
- Okay!
- Their guest, come on out.
- What?
- Hi. - Hi.
- It's good to see you again.
I'm your ass, nose, and taint doctor.
(audience laughing)
- Are they looking okay?
- Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Taint okay? Ass okay? Everything good?
- Oh, yeah, you can check it out later if you'd like.
- Okay. - Doctor, what was your name?
- Dr. Taint.
(audience laughing)
- I just wanted to check that you still knew that.
Cause that's still the craziest last name I've ever heard.
Okay. This can go toward anyone.
What initially attracted you to me?
- Well, you were made in Florida, and you live in LA,
and you work here and you don't drink any water.
(audience giggle)
- That, yeah, that makes sense.
- Easy target!
- So your dating life went downhill.
Here's what I'm gonna say.
You remind me so much of my husband Charles,
like just spinning image.
But you're different,
'cause you're like a little bit sensitive,
and a little bit anxious.
and it felt like a job and I loved that.
It felt like I had work to do.
You're very exotic.
- How am I exotic?
- Oh.
- Oh! Because he poo-pooed himself in fourth grade!
- And a few years ago in New York.
- Because I wanna take a tropical trip with you.
- We should do that, maybe if you're down.
- Are you?
- Maybe, I'd have to run it by Kevin first.
Who by the way, sorry to all of you.
But that's a good one.
We've got a good one locked down right now.
- What's his underside like?
(audience laughing)
I could take a look if you'd like.
- You don't need to, Dr. Taint, but thank you for the offer.
I kind of know the answer to this,
but what initially attracted you to me here?
- You were broken and I wanted to fix you.
- Your ass hole was?
- I'm not talking about his busted undercarriage,
I'm talking about his lifestyle choice
of being a homosexual.
- You're a homosexual?
- It was a sin to me.
But I've since listened to Taylor Swift's new album
and I've come around full circle.
I'm in full support.
- Hey, thanks.
Bernadette, you seem shocked.
You seem shocked to hear that I'm a homosexual.
- I had no idea that you were gay.
Yeah, you wear overalls.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. - Shirtless.
- Sure.
- I think that's attractive.
- Yeah. - And that what's supposed
to signal to me that you're gay!
- And I love musical theater.
- Me too.
Don't see Guys and Dolls 2, awful!
Too many dolls, not enough guys.
- Mental illness don't see color at all.
(audience laughing)
- I think it's all pretty obvious Bernadette.
- Not to me.
(Tommy laughs) Not to me.
I can tell you were very into me
that one little summer that we had.
- Oh, I loved it.
It wasn't a little summer.
- Big summer, I was there.
- I was on a phone call.
(Tommy laughing)
Bernadette, what's your favorite memory of us?
- When I met you, I was walking the streets
and I was looking for a knock-off Gucci bag,
very hard to find,
and I heard music and I walked into this weird warehouse
with lots of colors,
and there you were at the top of the stairs
with hundreds of people below you
and you were DJing your own birthday.
Which I thought, "That guy's a go-getter."
- I thought we had a great time that night.
- That's where my memory are.
You kissed me and I felt like I was 16 again.
- I mean, granted Bernadette,
I kissed a lot of people that night.
- Oh.
- Mental illness, what's your favorite memory of us?
- Oh yes, of course.
My favorite time with you
was when we would undress ourselves
and look in the mirror and you would cry,
I would laugh,
because I make you see things that is not actually real.
(audience laughing)
- You embody Dysmorphia too?
- The gays have it baby!
- Then why'd you wear overalls? I can see half the torso!
- 'Cause the top part's the good part.
- But that's why-
- Wait, sorry, what does that mean?
(audience laughing)
- What's your favorite memory of us?
- You on my table laying there.
Me on my table lying there, a nice warm mic in my hand.
- Oh.
- A karaoke mic. Belting out to meat loafs.
I'd do anything for love.
- Yeah, I think I woke up for a second.
I kind of have this like faint memory of it
being like really cold.
- He's freaking me out.
- I don't know. I'm scared of you.
- You know, I wanted a refund for that
'cause you never actually did anything.
You just put me under and then I woke up.
- That sounds terrible, and not right.
- Bernadette.
- Yes, my sweet Tommy.
- Describe what it was like to kiss me.
- I felt like Barbara Streisand, in The Star is Born.
Minus the part where you die.
The kiss kissed my soul.
- Oh!
- And you went down on me for so many hours.
- You are gay?
- Yeah. (audience laughing)
How many hours?
- Five.
- Five hours.
- And I said "I'm asleep. You can come up now!"
- You two have a lot in co-
We have a lot in common then, I guess.
- No.
- No? - I was-
- In a metaphorical sense, Mental Illness,
What's it like to kiss me?
- Your Kisses were so good because you practiced
on Phil of the Future for like, 10 hours a day.
- Who read my diary?
(audience laughing)
This is demonic.
- Do you know Ricky Oman is Israeli?
(audience laughing)
- The actor of Phil in the "Future?"
- I know. (audience laughing)
- Dr. Taint, what's it like-
- Present.
(audience laughing)
- Describe what it's like to kiss me.
- Well, I don't wanna violate
doctor-patient confidentiality with everyone here,
but I can tell you privately if you'd like.
- [Mental] Yes.
- Too late for that.
You already said you both were on a table
asleep in darkness.
- And some karaoke was happening.
- Very good.
- Yes.
- Well, Dr. Taint said long.
(audience laughing)
In order to keep myself from freaking out-
- What the hell?
- We're gonna move on.
Bernadette? - Yes. Gay man, I guess.
(audience laughing)
- Bernadette- - I'm on my
questioning journey.
Questioning my sexuality.
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
- Again, another cryptic message from Dr. Taint.
- Bernadette. - Yes?
- Why did we break up?
- Well, you got very territorial over your music.
I asked you to come DJ my son's birthday,
which I know is risky,
but Charles had literally no idea.
He had no idea what was happening.
He was just dancing upstairs the whole time.
You started DJ-ing, and my son requested Imagine Dragons.
You said you were the only DJ, no request.
And it was your music. Yeah- - You hired me for a DJ,
so I'm gonna play what I wanna play.
- All he wanted to hear was Imagine Dragons.
You got territorial over your music,
but you never got territorial over me.
And you know what?
I just wanted someone to fight for me.
- You wanted me to think of you as my music?
- Yes.
- I feel like there's something going
on between you and your husband-
- What do you mean?
- I'm really, I don't-
- We've been married for over 20 years.
- I'm not one to get into that.
Maybe they need to go to couples...
You need to go to couples counseling or something.
- Why? Because he likes wearing his buzz light year pants
when we have sex and he slips his dick through it?
(audience laughing)
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
- I feel like you want your husband to think
of you as his music.
I'm sorry that I was like the person
that made this awaken in you. But like it was just a,
- You did. - Minor fling, you know?
And I'm sure your husband can make you feel
the way that I did.
Mental Illness, why did we break up?
- You started saying no!
And setting boundaries!
And you started taking Tylenol AM, PM all the time.
And believe it or not,
you can't get rid of me with meal prep!
- It's been working so far.
Do you have my secret plan? - Well, I'll be back!
I'll be back!
(chuckles) I'll be back like I always do.
- No, you won't be back.
Yes, I will! - No you won't be back.
Yes. I will!
- You're not coming back, okay?
We broke up 'cause I'm taking care of myself
and 'cause I kind of got rid of the homicide.
- Good. - Oh, you will come back to me
and Buzz.
- No, Buzz has nothing to do with this.
Buzz is PJ's my husband wears
and I should have never said that.
(audience laughing)
- Dr. Taint, why did we break up?
- You got everything you needed from me.
You kind of used, abused my skills of taint repair.
- Abuse them?
- Well, I feel used and a little exploited.
- Yeah, it went through my insurance and everything.
I mean, yeah.
- But you never- - It's a service.
- Yeah, but you never called after.
- You swindled him as well?
- So not even a thank you?
- Okay. Thank you.
- I appreciate that.
You are gonna come in again?
- What? - To see me again?
- No.
If something happens, yeah, but I-
- It'd be a shame if something were to happen.
- What the hell is wrong with this guy?
- Is that a threat, Dr. Taint?
I'm good.
- His Mental Illness has a PhD that I don't have.
(audience laughing)
- Bernadette?
- Yes? - What did you learn
from dating me?
- I learned to love myself.
And I learned that it is okay to take a bubble bath
for five minutes 'cause sometimes it just gets too hot.
- Just from one physical fling?
You've started loving yourself?
- Yeah.
- What's going on with your husband, man?
- Well we touch once a year.
- Well, Bernadette, that's kind of heartbreaking
to hear actually.
- That I love myself?
- No.
- Oh, you're a horrible human being.
- Stop!
Mental illness, what did you-
- Present.
- What did you-
- And all of us.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
- What did you learn from dating me?
- Well, I learned all the choreography to "Dance Moms."
We watched it every day, every week,
every month and every year.
I don't want to be Mental Illness anymore.
- You don't wanna be Mental Illness?
- (chuckles hilariously) Just kidding!
(audience laughing)
I just want to say you make great music.
- That means nothing coming from you.
- I know!
- Dr. Taint, what did you learn from dating me?
- I learned tolerance, acceptance,
and how to fraudulently plagiarize medical credentials,
and sneak into an operating room.
- I don't think you're a good doctor.
- I don't think he is a doctor.
- Oh, that's what's going on.
- Yeah!
- Through dating me, You learned how to do that?
- You were my first patient.
- Am I in a Netflix doc?
- What is happening?
- I hope not.
Bernadette, if you had the last word,
what would you say?
- Yes, I'm married but I also have a bottle of UV in the car
that we can pop, mezzanine seats
of an all blonde cast of "Dear Evan Hansen."
And we can go, you can go down on me, I can go down on you.
I can drive you there.
You can sit in the backseat
'cause it's not safe in the front seat.
And you can play any song that you want
as long as it's Celine Dion.
And honestly, you have control over the whole radio.
And honestly, I'll drive you home after.
And you don't have to talk to me ever again,
but I'll probably write you letters.
(audience laughing)
- Mental illness, if you had the last word,
what would you say?
- Well, I would like to say Tommy, that I love you.
- Aww.
- And um, take her up on the offer.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah. - Bye, bye!
- Bye.
- Dr. Taint, if you had the last word, what would you say?
- (exhales) I guess, I would tell you that I'm sorry.
And I miss you.
And Live from New York! It's Saturday night!
(upbeat jazz music)
(audience laughing)
- Okay.
- If you enjoyed this type of stuff,
we have a lot of crazy character stuff
all over Smosh right now.
Give us some love.
Go watch some stuff.
There's gonna be a video somewhere.
I don't know, just...
Oh, hi!
- Hi.
Yeah. And if you have anyone
that you wanna see, interview their ex's, comment below.
We'd love some comments and, yeah!
You can subscribe to the channel if you want.
I think Bernadette would like that.
- Oh, I would love that.
Is this a Netflix doc?
- It's not a Netflix doc, Bernadette.
- Okay. - It's a YouTube channel.
- Good.